Because I want what I want.
My Id insists
I need more, never enough.
Forbidden fruit in your garden of tenacious love,
Give me my desire.
I want to burn my hands in fire.
I lust for what I can't have.
Me, Me, Me, I, I, I.
What will it take to inspire?
Give me something that I admire.
Let me sleep in my own funeral pyre.
I crave that. That which makes me die.
So Why cant I...?
Because it's a liar.

I'm so **** tired
I need to go to bed
But the thought of her smile runs through my head
Reliving fantasy makes the analogy that my imagination created theology
But watching pool on that bar stool reminds me of how that ***** love had destroyed me
I'm so **** tired
I want the desire dead
But the fire in our match remains bright red
Reminiscing on memories paint the reverie, that my hell was so heavenly
But now the stables are empty, the horses now dead, I left Rome, and torched our homestead
I'm tired, so **** tired
I will dream tonight
Expire to achieve
Seeking in serenity
Let passions retire
Sleep in bed
Sit in my soul
Let my thoughts deny Her

x

-o-0-o-
With my two eyes closed, the third sees beyond the edge of the horizon.
Keeping us within its sight, unopposed.
In the center of the energy, I experience an alternate path that has not been disclosed.
Unending, undivided.
You are not alone, this symphony plays for us both, and this Universe we interpret will provide it.
Keep digging, diving, deriving, speaking, seeing, hearing, feeling, believing, sensing.
Unrelenting, still unconditional, yet undeniable, so undefinable, and indescribable...
Yet Loving

Will I remember the relief I felt when I was dragged into those rooms?
Will I forget the love that I threw away, the conundrums and curses, I wove into my loom?
The life I threatened to **** away when I couldn't see myself in the mirror?

It will never come back if I don't come around.
It will always be there if I walk back and start over, remembering to follow the sound.
The rooms will always be there, waiting to accept me with open arms.

By empathy, I take vicariously from those who say God keeps us from harm.
By praying for me, as I pray for you.
Release me from my suffering and give me an honest you.
That would be enough,
That will do...

Ad Infinitum.
I'll just do what my heart tells me to do.

I find the tragedies of people so heartbreaking. Addiction is misunderstood, and this has become my understanding.

I realize that this disease is not about drugs. Drugs are only a symptom of addiction or the "ism". Some people do drugs, while others collect things, suffer endlessly in painful relationships, others obsess over things they cannot control.

The real beginnings of many of our problems comes from far back in our lives starting with childhood and upbringing. We are told that we are expected to be a certain way and that we must follow the examples of others. Even though we should believe that adults that abuse us are wrong, we internalize it and find it to be our faults. “What did I do wrong? I shouldn't have done that. I must do better next time.” I have looked inside of myself and translated that this life terrorizing issue is hard to understand, yet simple.

We have a personality we have grown up with and created. An ego represented by coats of armor that we put on. We put on a new layer of armor each time we are hurt or learn a lesson. Eventually these suits of armor start to get so heavy, we cannot move, we cannot breathe. We try to walk around and be true to ourselves but our defenses make it nearly impossible. We only want people to see what we let them to and tell our true nature to shut up. We think our true selves aren't enough to be loved and isn't worth showing people. We become ashamed of what we actually are underneath. Our Egocentricity takes over and creates that facade we want people to see.

There are several walls we must break down in order to free ourselves of the thousands of layers of armor we put on over our lifetimes. We have the first wall: our personality we present to others. We must know it and see ourselves for what we actually are. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a wonderful human being that is deserving of everything life has to offer. The second wall is the big brute who bullies you at any cost to keep himself alive: Self-hate. It is your greatest critic, your manipulator, and your source of evil. You must look at your self-hate as a black dog behind you that is always barking, looking for attention, undisciplined and untrained. Wild, vicious and dangerous, it will do anything to get what it wants from you and does not love you. It will beg and give you those puppy eyes, but it is always lying to get what it wants... In front of you is another dog. Your true self. It is a little puppy that has not been nurtured or given attention in a long time. This puppy does not bark, it does not cry. It just wants your unconditional love as it has for you.

You must not ignore the black dog behind you. It must be stared straight in the face and you must say NO. This is where the last wall and line of defense against your true nature and love for yourself hides: Fear. You are afraid that this desperate black dog will bite you when it doesn't get what it wants. It will bark so loud you cannot hear anything and you are afraid of being ripped apart and die if you do not give it what it needs. Yet, this dog has a hidden chain attached to it you have never seen or knew about before. It cannot get to you if you don't let it near you. You must make the deep and soul searching decision through great fear and with courage to never give this dog what it wants again...
Turn your eyes forward...

See the little puppy in front of you? It looks at you with those big eyes filled with the desire for you to love it and take care of it. That puppy is you... Don’t be afraid of the work it takes to raise that puppy, because it will grow up slowly yet surely and be your undying companion; always guiding you to the happiness you deserve. Give it some water, some food, your love and take it on walks.
This is you. This is your puppy. If you can learn to love this puppy and nurture it, you will have found you love yourself. When you can love yourself, you can then love another...
The suits of armor come off and you can finally move away from that black dog behind you forever. The love you found will flow into you. You will be able to live with freedom, unchained from your self-hate and fears. Nobody can say you are a bad person anymore. You have taken such good care of that puppy that you don’t need anybody's approval. Your own puppy is happy, and he loves you unconditionally. It is unconditional love for yourself.

Everybody has this armor on and everybody has different weights on their shoulders. It is up to you to decide when to break free. I will pray for you all in the mean time. Please pray for yourself and others.
And as you do, remember to love freely.

v