She left on a winter afternoon,
leaving her cup of chamomile

tea cooling on the kitchen table.
A cough of car exhaust and she

was gone.

She left behind only certain things:

a thin procession of dresses
hung in the bedroom closet,

a strand of costume pearls
curled in an unworn shoe,

a tube of coral lipstick abandoned
on the bureau beside her hairbrush.

Today the crocuses began to bloom.
I can bear the things she left behind,

but the warble of the robin’s song
is the sound of love as it unwinds.

I woke up today in a house, a house I knew was my own but looked much different than I remember. The kind of house one sees in dreams, unfamiliar yet definable. In some way or another. I was tangled in a bed of sheets that had clearly been slept on for months without cleanse. Painted with ****** secretions, ranging from love-making to menstruating. Ash, from pipes to papers. Make-up, from nudes to noirs. You, a stranger, walk in with a giant bowl of cereal and two spoons. You knew it was my favorite, but I didn’t know you. But I knew you, you know? In some way or another. I wanted to call you a name, but it didn’t seem fitting. Maybe it belonged to a memory, what was that memory again? Oh, I don’t know. But you looked at me like we had shared so many memories that we became a new name. You spoon-fed me Wheaties and folded your feet between my legs. You kissed me and whispered a Van Morrison tune, “I never knew the art of making love ‘til my heart yearned with love for you.” And that’s when I knew.

I shoot up from the bed, leaving a concave within the foam mattress, and eye the carpet as if my feet were going to fall through.

“Hardwood. This is supposed to be hardwood.”
“What?” your eyes follow me in confusion.
“Be quiet.”

I grab a loose end of carpet near a corner and start tearing it up from its bonds. Low-and-behold, blonde hardwood sat quietly beneath it, as if it’s been waiting for me to unearth it. Unearth you.

You.
I buried You.
Everything started rushing back to me.

I get up unsteadily and tear down the wallpaper to find a screen playing back every memory. The faire. The zoo. The restaurant. The concert. The park. The bed. Our path. A doorway. A starry night under a deck. Loose cigarettes and empty bottles. A volume so loud I can’t hear myself assess. A voice echoing off every wall; “I love you’s” in infinite delay. “I hate you’s” in infinite succession.
I’m running through this half foreign house now trying to find You. Who, what, and where are You? You’re nowhere to be found. I’m searching behind every door, rustling through every nook and cranny, tearing down every trinket of décor. I’m falling to my knees and crying in my palms. Where are You?

I cry every last drop from the ocean of despair within me, open my eyes, and let the reality sink in:
This house is empty and You’re nowhere to be found.

She touches me and knows not why and that frightens her.
She's the only one that can make me cry, so she wonders.
How can I let her know I'm no threat just an admirer.
I only wish to touch her kaleidoscope heart as when friends confer.
Yet she watches me from a distance and that distance she keeps.
The longer she stays away the harder my battered soul weeps.
I have no dark motive nor any sinister plans.
Even if I desired, I could never be what she demands.
I guess convincing her of this is completely out of my hands.
So in the darkess corner of her mind is where I'll remain...is where I'll stand.

they roll in like storms
upon a quiet shore…
these memories
unforgiving in their clarity
yet i protect them
nurture them
your twisted, unwavering distrust
enveloped me in it's pain
and fed your misguided cruelty
i lived to enable you
for a glimpse of love
would appear from the shadows
in those rare, quiet nights
when you allowed yourself to love me
the few moments i remember
being alive

I never fell in love with you
Falling implies disillusion
As if i didnt know exactly
What i was in for
When i looked into your eyes
And found constellations
That i had searched for
My whole life

It implies a failed understanding
Like i had walked off a long pier
And suddenly found you there
In the water, holding me
Instead of rushing to the water
Knowing you would be there
To catch me when i dropped
And never drowned

I never fell in love with you
I grew love for you
A slow budding bloom
That became a vibrant blossom
Ever growing, ever changing
I swelled love for you
It rising and falling
Like an unsure tide
On a new-formed shore

I built love for you
A home of it
All bricks and mortar
In the sacred parts of myself
Where you are always welcome
To walk through the door
And never fall.

The disappearing nature of things
A man with hammers in hands
And pain in his heart
Breaking apart walls and sidewalks
Everything
He falls in love with
Do we wonder which way the wind blows?
Well
I only wanted to say I love you
But I can't be happy
Not until your broken
Broken like me