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Apr 2020 · 97
i love you
annie Apr 2020
i love you like the moon loves the stars
like the grass loves the rain
like teenage girls love silly cliches

i love you like you couldn't know
like i never thought i could
like words could never say

i never wanted to love you
i never needed anyone
the way i need you

i don't know how to love you
i don't know why i love you
but i don't know how i couldn't

i love the way you smile just right
the way your lips fit with mine
the way your eyes twinkle in the sun

i want to tell you how i love you
how you help me forget
how you keep me alive inside

i don't deserve to love you
i don't deserve your sweet words
your patience when i can't say the same

but i still love you like a cactus loves the desert
like the sun loves the blue sky
like words love the page
for jamie
Apr 2019 · 100
i want to write a poem
annie Apr 2019
i want to write another poem
another few words about the world i feel

the world that's closing in on me
but i keep pushing
and pushing
and pushing

the world that won't let me go
grasping
reaching
crawling its way through
trying to find something that's no longer there
or maybe it never was

i want to talk to someone
i want to let it go
i want to scream to the sky and tell it what it's done
the blood it's shed
the tears i've let fall on my bathroom floor

i want to write another poem
but instead i'll sit here
hands cracked and dry and aching for the release of pen on paper
as i fade away
nobody wants to hear it anyway
May 2018 · 211
semi-colon
annie May 2018
i'm so ******* tired of all of the
broken girls
complicated girls
save me girls
girls with pretty little red lines running up and down their arms

girls just waiting for the perfect guy to love them enough
get a semi-colon tattoo
buy some colourful clothes
and feel all better

where are all the girls
with scars hidden so no one can see
trying bottle after bottle of medication
talking to anyone who will listen
swimming in circles but trying to escape
no-one to pull them out

where are all the boys
armed with tape and glue
trying to fix every ******* piece
but leaving ***** fingerprints instead

show me recovery
show me relapse
show me that i'm not alone
i can't be alone
annie May 2018
maybe i wasn't meant to be the girl
with wind blowing through her hair
laughter twinkling through her lips
gently parting to make way for another
held gently in their grasp
softly
sweetly

maybe all my destiny holds
are drunk nights and forgotten memories
fleeting glances saying
"text me.
later."
8 am bus rides in last night's clothes
never spoken of again

sometimes i'm okay with it
air finds a way in
i can scrape my body along the dirt
and the bruises don't hurt anymore

but sometimes i start to bleed
it fills my lungs
i ignore the drowning
but sometimes i get tired
of not being able to breathe
Apr 2018 · 185
why
annie Apr 2018
why
i get so **** tired
sitting
waiting for something to come my way
i grew up with stories
of princesses and witches
and parties and beautiful things happening to beautiful people
and i wish
and i wish
                   and i wish
that was me
but i sit
and i tire
and i waste
and i cry
why
why not me
Mar 2018 · 186
a note
annie Mar 2018
i really hate the way how in teen movies the guy is often older by 2+ years, especially ones where the guy is in college. when i was 17, i was sleeping with guys that were 19+, and because of all this positive messaging, it didn't seem like a big deal. i'm nearly finished my first year of uni now - the same place where those guys were in their life - and i am an entirely different person. the maturity differences between someone who is 15/16/17 and someone who is 18+ cannot be understated, and it hurts me to know now that even though i thought i was the same as them, this was not the case. i need every teen reading this - even you "adult" teens - to know that it's okay to wait. you won't shrivel up, you won't die, you'll be alright on your own. it'll be okay.
Feb 2018 · 212
hey there
annie Feb 2018
sometimes i open my eyes
but i never wake up
drifting
wandering
mouth opening to no sound
breathing without air

if i could speak
i would say all the words
you want to hear
but darling
speaking is harder than waking

so believe me when i say
not with words
but through action
that i need you
and someday
i may wake
i may speak
as long as you wait
Feb 2018 · 147
stars
annie Feb 2018
12 was a punching bag
****** the other direction
eyes closed, uncontrolled
breaking down each fibre

13 was self-hatred
competition turned cruel
replacing his hand with mine
trying to peel the fat away

14 was tornadoes
clouding all vision
unsure where to turn
chaos in the aftermath

15 was betrayal
perfection not cracked
however hard I try
why could nobody see?

16 was manipulation
lust lists marked as friendship
number six he said
others just a picture

17 was spoonfeeding
syrupy silver words
up and down
all that work for him

18 is unclear
speckled and sparkled
not shiny and new
but trying to fit the puzzle
Jan 2018 · 158
people.watching
annie Jan 2018
sitting here
faces pass
one
     by one
          by one
               by one
masks
reflecting reflections of all the others

pry beneath
what remains
but empty husks
trying to feel full
injecting themselves with smiles and dreams
only to wake
empty once more

blur
numbness inspires
absorb radiance

dull shines brighter
Jan 2018 · 274
release
annie Jan 2018
there's nothing like the feeling
of letting go after holding on
so tight for so long

u n c l e n c h
feel the blood rush through your fingers
the energy flow through your soul
every fibre melting

letting go of what was
what could have been

filling instead
with warmth
and kindness
and the feeling that maybe

your own energy is all you need
nothing better than letting go
Jan 2018 · 236
what i want
annie Jan 2018
hey
i know im not perfect either
i just wanted you to know
that i would just appreciate if maybe
you realize that i am an adult
and i dont appreciate when you try to teach me "lessons"
about my personality or whatever.
i know my flaws
and i hate myself for them
but i also work so hard every day to better myself.
you really don't know enough about me
to be treating me like you do.
i know you dont care to know me
but that also means you dont get to tell me how i should be.
i know i laugh it off 99% of the time
but like it actually gets me really upset,
i just dont like to make a scene like that.
if i made the same kind of comments to you,
you would stand up for yourself -
but its really hard for me to do that.
i guess all im trying to say here is
please understand things from my point of view
because i'm trying to push myself in the right direction
and i just wish you wouldn't try to push it back.
what i wish i could say
Jan 2018 · 337
conflict
annie Jan 2018
nothing is right
no look
no feeling
no t o u c h
except yours
your soft grasp
encasing every inch

but i can't t h i n k
this isn't right
but is it okay
anyway?
i wish you could be the one for me
Jan 2018 · 167
1:13 am
annie Jan 2018
I just want you to know
you're a good person
and I think you're cute
and you should go to bed
a cute text i got tonight. really needed it.
Jan 2018 · 381
HELP
annie Jan 2018
there's a hole in my left arm
it's not big
you wouldn't notice it if i hadn't told you
but trust me
it gnaws
boring darkness through my veins
rooting itself within my shell
it smells a little
rotten eggs
growing
permeating the air all around
i try to sleep it off
starve it away
carve it out

nothing helps

it will consume me
Apr 2016 · 249
breathe
annie Apr 2016
i've always been good at swimming
the consistent
repetitive
stroke after stroke after stroke after stroke
breaking the water
entrancingly rhythmic
but with you
i find myself
tossed around
unsettled by your waves
i don't remember how to breathe
annie Apr 2016
maybe you used to try
maybe you used to go to bed thinking of the day to come
figuring out how to make things better
fitting the puzzle pieces together
maybe you used to try
maybe you used to smile into the mirror every morning
counting every blessing in your life
wondering what surprise would come next
maybe you used to try
maybe you used to scream into your pillow
writing of the world plaguing you
hoping a hero would save you
but life is no longer a fairy tale
the puzzle pieces just don't fit
the mirrored man's eyes aren't so bright
but maybe
you can try again
Apr 2016 · 381
crying into the pillow
annie Apr 2016
you could be in a room full of people
and still feel the aching loneliness you feel right now
laying in bed
wondering if you had said this
done that
would you still be so ******* alone
would your mind still wander into these corners
unlit
unexplored
unintentionally destroying everything you are
forcing you to face all of it
all the flaws that cover your body
cover your soul
all the flaws that put you in this place again
Apr 2016 · 216
sleeping
annie Apr 2016
there is nothing poetic about being empty
there is nothing beautiful about waking up at 4am
wondering when you will feel real again
wondering if you try to hurt just one more ******* time
will things get a little sharper for just a fleeting moment
will you deserve a spot in reality
instead of sinking into the hole again
it's not even dark
I've always been uncomfortable with the dark
some would say scared
but it's not scary
or sharp
or uninviting
maybe I'm just used to it
maybe it just makes a better home than any house I've ever been in
than any bed I've ever slept in
Apr 2016 · 301
cold feet (2 ways)
annie Apr 2016
-4 degrees today
freezing temperatures
I know I make a lot of jokes
about my cold heart
but darling
that's not true
it contains a fire burning
sparks flying
the warmth of life
my feet
however
are a different story altogether
bad decisions
leaving me frozen
not knowing where to go
or what to do

maybe I'm not really talking about feet anymore
Feb 2016 · 813
A note to my dear husband
annie Feb 2016
I can swear it will never happen again,
Although, that is a promise I repeatedly made to myself in the past
And I have found it as empty as the space within my heart,
With not enough “sorry”s to fill the hole,
For darling, it beats, but never for you.

You always have been, always will be, my confidante,
My isle of sanity in the strong tides
Threatening to drown my mind in the sea of blue.
But, the issue at hand is that this feeling is it, and nothing more,
Nothing close to my feelings for another.

Eyes radiating warmth,
Threatening to burn with their fiery gaze -
I have received many a third-degree injury -
For I have done the undoable,
Spoken the unspeakable,
Touched the untouchable.

How could my love extend to another when my duty is to share my heart with only you?
I did share my heart,
and the rest,
with you,
My futile quest for passion as hot as yours.
Alas, that spark could never be alighted,
And it pains me to say that this naïve
Young marriage has been an extended study in unrequited love.

So many years have passed, so many years I have tried, and tried I did.
Not a soul can say I did not try -
By God, if there was an award for trying, this vessel would win first prize -
But I have been anchored down by the weight of your love
Without any of my own to keep me afloat.

Your touch is rough,
And in love it scratches, eroding my skin and revealing an undesirable form.

Hers is soft,
Gently caressing my every nook and cranny,
Taking the bad and making silky-smooth good,
If only for a little while.

Your lips do not fit upon my face.
They are as out of place as a puzzle piece
Chosen with good intentions by a child
But upon examination,
Does not complete the picture,
Being jammed in where it will never belong.

Her kiss locks perfectly upon every piece,
Paralyzing me in a timeless tableau,
Wiping clear, if only for a minute,
How much I abhor every fiber of my sordid being.

For how could I ever be such an abomination in the eyes of our Lord?
To not only be an adulteress, but with her of all people in this immense world?
This is not how I was raised,
This is not how I want anyone to live,
A life as despicable as the worst criminal,
Making me a murderer to my own morals.

The most disgusting part is
How our future children would be reared.
Would I be capable of loving the poor things
Or would my soul reject them such as it has you?
Is there a limit to the hole in my heart?
I am fearful that there is an answer to that,
That I ought to know but have turned a blind eye upon,
Never thinking,
Never thinking.

And that is why I write melancholy papers
With blurry eyes and cheeks as red as the sun that is settling for its nightly rest.
My words spill out, too abrupt for such a note,
But they drop true
Appearing as simple stains I pen them word by cold word.

I should be savouring these final phrases
They will be my last for eternity.
I used to believe we would be together,
Even through the vast expanse of death,
But I will never be allowed through the pearly gates of God's kingdom,
He has long forgotten about me.

For I will not allow to child I carry to enter such a broken world.
You deserve to have a China doll family with a perfectly whole wife,
One that does not have these chips and cracks,
Having to paint a porcelain face on every morning.

I am very sorry for you now,
For this cannot have been an easy read,
Not like your Sunday papers that you voraciously peruse,
Or the novels upon our shelf that you say You will read when you have time -
You never do.

You will have lots of time now,
No longer futilely attempting to please me.
Please, never think you are at fault -
The blame is all mine.

This mess is my tragic legacy that I will not
Allow to be perpetuated.
My final word is this -
Take care,
eat your greens,
Find a woman capable of loving a man as wonderful as you
As she ought to,
My best friend.
this is a dramatic monologue set it about the 50s? idk I got bored
Mar 2015 · 342
blue bird
annie Mar 2015
the blue bird sits on the willow tree
i stare at you, you spare no glance for me.
the blue bird flies into bright skies
was there ever a chance for you and i?
the blue bird cries out to empty air
nothing i imagined was ever there.
the blue bird leaves for the vast unknown
i realize in the end we're all alone.
Mar 2015 · 649
don't go
annie Mar 2015
please just leave me
but don't go
i love you more
than you'll ever know

i love your touch
i love your taste
please don't let her
take my place

you made a mess
inside my brain
after your touch
the first time came

i cannot breathe
i cannot feel
you make this life
seem so unreal

you hurt my head
you hurt my heart
took everything
with your depart

i crave to feel
i crave to see
how life could be
if i was free

but deep i know
that if you go
i cannot make
it on my own

i'm not sick yet
but it will come
you make me think
i ought to run

but i cannot
it must be you
that leaves this hole
this hole of blue

please just leave me
but don't go
i love you more
than you'll ever know
Mar 2015 · 410
glow
annie Mar 2015
speak, they say
let the words peer out
let your ideas shine
but if i am the golden sun
they are the blackout curtains
i cannot see past them
the world can no longer see me
i try to push through
to find another way around
and let them feel my warmth
let them know i am more than the cold blackness that they see
show them all that i can shine
show that i am not dull and distant as they know me
but i have been blocked out
censored
by those who do not wish to see
do not wish me to be who i am
do not wish to feel
what i could make glow
what i could make grow
they take it all and lock it up
throw the key away
and they will never tell me why
but i know that i will burn them down someday
i refuse to be extinguished
Mar 2015 · 445
too warm
annie Mar 2015
how is it raining

when you are the sun
shining bright and lighting the world
dissolving darkness into colour

when you fill my mindspace
poking out through every crack
chiseled by those who came before

when you evaporate my memories
making me forget the danger
of getting too close too quickly

because when comets fly around the sun they burn
Mar 2015 · 596
worthless
annie Mar 2015
sometimes i close my eyes and all i see is black
i am alone, there is nothing else in the world.
it is peaceful, until i begin to think:
what if there is nothing else? what if this is all there is?
does my existence really matter this little? what is the point?
i think and think but someday i'll realize that
my thoughts matter as little as my life.
but sometimes i close my eyes and all i see is white
i am a speck in the sea of wonder that is the universe.
it is comforting, until i begin to think:
what if there is something else? what if it is truly infinite?
does my existence really matter this little? what is the point?
i think and think but i've come to realize that
my thoughts matter as little as my life.
Jan 2015 · 1.1k
liars
annie Jan 2015
they lie to children
saying they will get smarter
wiser with their years

they lie to children
saying they will be free
no longer confined by rules spoken and not

they lie to children
saying they will be happy
surrounded by friends and family
Jan 2015 · 268
drowning
annie Jan 2015
help I'm drowning
as my life bled from my veins
dripping down to the floor
washing away the clots in my mind
I guess it flowed too strong this time
engulfed me within myself
left me struggling to breathe
stuck in the hole I dug myself
with years of self-hatred and a lack of reality
I was too weak to swim with the rolling tide
Dec 2014 · 259
give it up
annie Dec 2014
push out emotions
a sad here a mad there
make them leave
make me numb

take in surroundings
a girl here a boy there
make it stop
make me love

give up morals
a cut here a slash there
make it burn
make me cry

throw down consequences
a "why" here a "how" there
make it "right"
make me numb
finished.
Oct 2014 · 249
kk
annie Oct 2014
kk
I'm sorry that sometimes
I get so lonely
and I cry out
but I'm too loud
and it hurts

I'm sorry that sometimes
I feel so **** cold
and I think a lot
but it's too loud
and it hurts

I'm sorry that sometimes
I feel so attached
and I run back
but I'm too dumb
and it hurts
unorganized but yeah.
Feb 2014 · 267
no use
annie Feb 2014
it's no use
she screams
slamming the bathroom door
on the only person
who can see her
as more

it's no use
she cries
dreaming of dragging a blade across her wrist
because that's all that she knows
all that could save her
from the dull pain

it's no use
she writes
hoping no-one will see
but hoping
someone
will know
and someone
will save her
Feb 2014 · 322
work out
annie Feb 2014
I can try
to work this out
but who am I kidding
it will only work out
to be more than me
and I'm not ready

I can't live
while working it out
it has to be gone
and I will be fine
but I can't do it
any more

someone save me
I think I'm going insane
set fire to me
save me from my pain
just help me breathe
or stop it
Feb 2014 · 327
deal
annie Feb 2014
tear it all off
of my bones

leave me
to deal
with the hand
I've been dealt

just please
let me
go
Jan 2014 · 286
day one
annie Jan 2014
new age beginning
brings new promise of failure
oh what a doomed life
Nov 2013 · 404
the difference
annie Nov 2013
drip
drip
rain falls
giving life
giving hope

drip
drip
water falls
on the floor
drowning all

drip
drip
hope drops
past the soul
buried deep

drip
drip
blood falls
on the tiles
too deep

drip
drip
i fall
to the floor
all i wanted
was one more
Nov 2013 · 345
open (10w)
annie Nov 2013
nose covered
eyes closed
lips sealed
wrist slit wide open
Nov 2013 · 711
help
annie Nov 2013
somebody
anybody
save me
take me away
from my early demise

to put it bluntly
I'm freaking out
I think
I might be going insane
but it's okay
I'm just
"overreacting"

maybe if these screams
trapped inside
would finally burst out
I would be
unclogged
cleansed
free of my sins
my sorrows
disappointments
          to me you everyone

cantcantcantcantcant
helphelphelphelp
saveme
please

ma­ke me happy
make me free
please
somebody
anybody
Nov 2013 · 373
idk
annie Nov 2013
idk
I don't know
why my brain
works the way it does
I mean
I know
it's not right
but I don't think
there's any
other way
to do this

I can't handle
the constant
disgust
displeasure
utter delusion
looking in the mirror
looking at my arm
I'm so
over
this
Oct 2013 · 441
feelings
annie Oct 2013
You ask me
For my feelings
But darling
Those are too strong
I cannot dilute them down
Enough for you

I can tell you I love you
But will you accept it?
I've gone so long
Trying to show
There does not exist such a thing
And I'm sorry
Because it is
True

I can tell you I need you
And I'm so thankful
For every second
Of every minute
Spent talking to you
And I'm sorry
Because it is too far, too
True

I can tell you I'm sorry
For I've been far too harsh
In every word
Trying to portray indifference
As if I can't feel these things
And I'm sorry
Because I really am,
Truly
Oct 2013 · 341
to(o) you
annie Oct 2013
you say
you wish
you were someone else
you wish
you could have their abilities
and darling
you are not perfect
you will never be
but in the most
imperfectly perfect way
you make it work
and you work it
and it works well
so never think
you should be
someone else
never think
you can be
too you
Oct 2013 · 1.1k
slimming
annie Oct 2013
slim chance
of going back
to what you were
who you were
(it's too late)
your hopes
not shattered
but simply
slimmed down
bit
by dwindling bit
(to nothing)
grinding away
you start to hope
they would just
leave
quick
(like a bandaid)
and take
the demons
too
leaving you
with
n.o.t.h.i.n.g.
Sep 2013 · 490
ach
annie Sep 2013
ach
there is so much
flowing through my brain
but not positive things
negative energies
no
not those
just
thoughts

eating is bad
i cannot stop
eating is good
i must use moderation
but can i
or is this
another classic example
of all or nothing
Sep 2013 · 404
haha
annie Sep 2013
******* triggered
kinda funny
how it's always
the same thing

substance

food

things i should need
do need
should want
do want
don't want
at least
the biggest part
doesn't want them
the biggest part
how odd
that that's what it has become
that that's how i've ended up
consumed
by ana
no more
anya
no more
fat
thanks
Sep 2013 · 577
my take on depression
annie Sep 2013
I have become accustomed
to the feeling
of building up walls
only to have them shatter
engulfing me
in false pretenses
inadequate misinformation
and all-around
good for nothing
lies

trying to wade through the dust
get out
get out
only to have it
grow
bigger
deeper
impossible to escape

now
I know how to swim
but for some reason
all knowledge alludes my mind
leaving me frozen
not like ice though
because I sink
drowning
down
down

now choking on the dust
ashes
of memories
people
lives that once danced
to the song of life
with me
now trap me
in darkness

but wait
I can see a light
the dust, once settled
stirs just so
a foot marches overhead
I try
screaming
nothing
not a sound
I remember
how frozen I am
thanks to my cold heart

the footsteps past
I am left in darkness
unable to stay in this world
unable to make a move to leave
unable to tell
real reality from my reality
Sep 2013 · 440
i promise
annie Sep 2013
I may not know
the situation
exactly
that you are suffering
but I know
the feeling
of a knife
stabbing straight through your heart
stealing precious life
love
everything
away
I know that you have to lie to yourself
pretend to be okay
stretch to the limit
snap a couple times
but it's okay
because there will always be someone there
to glue your shattered pieces
back together
and if there comes a day
when all is lost
and no-one seems to listen
know
in your broken and shredded heart
that you
are beautiful
and you
are worth every
minute
of your existence
so darling
smile
you only need yourself
Sep 2013 · 420
hell
annie Sep 2013
poking through
wishing it hurt
never enough
to break this

every word
pushing in
maybe this time
i'll change it

but can anything
really be felt any more
pushing and hitting
and wishing for more
hell
I'll escape it
or maybe just change it
settle in
make it my home
Sep 2013 · 406
slip
annie Sep 2013
just a slip of the tongue
leading to something said
               more left unsaid
the latter cutting deeper
leaving more
to doubt

just a slip of the blade
leading to secrets
              always left unsaid
never cutting deep enough
leaving me empty
and full of doubt

just a slip of the brain
leading to something
              better left unsaid
cutting right through me
leaving more questions
and unspoken lies
Sep 2013 · 1.1k
fuck-up
annie Sep 2013
im not sure
but if i had to pick
one motto
for my
sad life
i ****** up
seems pretty suitable

im not sure why
but i **** everything up
Sep 2013 · 650
distraction
annie Sep 2013
writing it down
marking it up
hello
my name is
nothing
but you
my dear
are beautiful
Sep 2013 · 376
heard it in the news
annie Sep 2013
i heard
you finally found someone
the one
congrats
i guess i'll never know
that feeling
but that's just a side effect

i heard
she was beautiful
the kind of girl
i'll never be
the kind of girl
i oh so dearly wish i could be
i should be
but i guess
that would be a miracle
Sep 2013 · 329
not happening
annie Sep 2013
maybe
i should let you try
because i'm wondering how
you could possibly want this

maybe
i should keep you from falling
one more time
even though i may fall, myself

maybe
you're for me
but maybe you're not
i guess we'll never know
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