If you are the a sun,
Then I am life blossoming from your warmth.

If you are the earth,
Then I am the moon eternally by your side.

I texted you
at 12:30 a.m.
with a beer can on my bedside table,
asked you
if you remember
how my lips taste,
told you
it's been a while
since anyone's touched me
like you used to,
added
haha, I love you
to texts that
didn't quite make sense;

I asked for it.

That's what I keep
telling myself.
It's not ****
if I gave consent,
it's not ****
if you didn't touch me,
it's not ****
if I said yes when
you offered to make me less lonely.

I remember when
that boy you were always jealous of
told me he loved me,
I remember wanting to say it back,
I remember the smell of
my mom's *****
on his breath.

I said no.
Took his arm off my shoulder,
turned my head away,
told him not to kiss me,
told him not tonight,
told him he was drunk,
he was lying to himself,
he was just lonely,
he would not love me
in the morning.

I was right.
He told me
the last thing he remembered
was sitting down next to me,
he said
sorry if I tried anything,
I said he didn't.

My point is,

the boy I loved,
longed for,
still long for,
was giving himself to me,
his flushed cheek on my shoulder,
his hands in my hair,
my name on his lips,
and I said no.

My point is,

I, whom you knew to be vulnerable,
to be empty,
to be broken,
was begging you to save me,
my desire on your phone screen,
my scars in your memories,
my cries echoing in your eardrums,
and you asked for more.

My point is,

there comes a point
in every person's life
when they are given the choice
to do the right thing,
or do the wrong thing
and convince them self
it was the only option.

My point is,

I could have been
at your doorstep,
in your bedroom,
begging,
pleading,
naked,
ready,
and the right answer
still would have been
no.

My point is,

you did not **** me,
but you made me feel violated.
You are not a *** offender,
but you are an awful person.
I did say yes,
but you should have said no.

My point is,

I may have asked for it,
but that doesn't mean
you should've given it to me.

My dad dug his foot into my back like a shovel breaking soil.
If I do enough push ups, can I put a smile on your face.
If I move the earth for you, will meteors stop me.

I carried sparklers in my hands while cannon-kisses erupted in the sky,
and my cousin swore that I'd hurt myself.
But I explained to him that history repeats itself,
and that my hurt is unavoidable.

Like the hug of a grieving grandmother,
and the staring off into space,
as her tears stain my white oxford lie.
There's no way to get out of this place.
Finding new ways to live in death.

I don't want to be cool. I don't want to be cool.

And her fingers left a ******* on my back.
And my mouth melted onto hers.
I love her until my eyes **** in sleep.
And it's deep. And it's deep.

The swirl of the ceiling sank down
like a child being drowned by his mother.
And I missed my brother, and I missed it all.

I don't want to be cool. I don't want to be cool.
No, not anymore.

That text,
That call,
That's all it takes,
For the air to thin
And the mouth to dry
As the blood pressure breaks.

Palms are sweaty.
Knees are weak.
All in a moment,
The future seems bleak.

Thoughts are clouded.
Eyes go blind.
The ground pulls down
And arms are tied, useless to climb.

Body trembles with deep,
burning what ifs.
Memories resurface
As the past is relived.

But the voice within,
The weapon was ready,
Calming the breathes and heart,
Making all become steady.

Though I am stronger now,
Thanks to the time.
I'm still yours,
Even if you're not mine.

Dear, it breaks me as much to write this
as I know would do you when you read
but time has come to reveal the secret
to tell you, I love you still,
have loved you all this time
and I doubt if I can love her more
the woman I'm leaving you for
who right now seems to possess something
worth more than all you have given to me
and who the urges inside me tell
would make me happier more than you could
would find me another home different
better, brighter..
and my dream for the time to come is such strong
that I'm ready to commit anything for that
even parting from you seems not high a price
except that I can't imagine how you would look
when you read this and break down
with my hands not beside to hold in comfort
wipe away the torrents
when surrounds you a loneliness
you never knew existed all these years.

*The home is as yet unbroken.
He now loves her more than ever.

The letter was never posted.

Never trust a white man,
Never **** a Jew,
Never sign a contract,
Never rent a pew.
Don't enlist in armies;
Nor marry many wives;
Never write for magazines;
Never scratch your hives.
Always put paper on the seat,
Don't believe in wars,
Keep yourself both clean and neat,
Never marry ******.
Never pay a blackmailer,
Never go to law,
Never trust a publisher,
Or you'll sleep on straw.
All your friends will leave you
All your friends will die
So lead a clean and wholesome life
And join them in the sky.