march 26, 2019

despite all my cracks,
i still put on my mask
Hide the flames churning inside
Hide the flood of tears in (crossed out: your) my eyes
Hide the rocks weighing down

my

soul.

i'm embarrassed
of all the people reading my life
and passing through
no comment, no like
just watching

watching as time goes by
on the bleachers
waiting for the game to end

cheers and shouts
my distanced gaze is different from all the rest
meaningless numbers are shown on the board

only cheap thrills
temporarily balancing your thoughts
until it doesn't work

What are these voices in my head
that keep telling me I'm worthless?
They say it with a smile
as my happiness dissolves.
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe it's just me, but I feel like my brain isn't ******* on right.

I wish I could feel your soft pale skin against me
I wish I could run my fingers through your hair
I wish I could comfort you
at your worst moments.
I love your sweet smile
I love the way your so beautiful I can't capture it on paper
I love you
more than anyone could ever love you.
I want to hug you for hours on end, never letting go
I want you to tell me everything is going to be okay
I want to kiss you
by the lockers.
I need to know when you're hurt
I need to know when you need me to come and save you
I need to know why
we love the way we do.
I know it's wrong
I know these feelings might not last
I know it's just young love,
but want to kiss you.
I guess it's stupid
I guess it's dumb
I guess I'm going to regret sending this to you later...
but I just need to tell you one way or another how much I love you.


I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'D TRADE THE ******* WORLD FOR YOU.
I KNOW WE'VE BEEN JUST BEST FRIENDS FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG, BUT I REALLY WANT TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL. I REALLY LOVE YOU.
LIKE, I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE YOU.
PLEASE ACCEPT.

I'm sorry, mommy.

You told me you loved me. For the first time in years. You were tucking me in bed with tears stinging your eyes.

I stared back, looking at the ugly wrinkles lining your face.

"Well...I don't!"

I turned away, staring at the plain white wall.

You shouldn't have seen my wounds.

You waited for me
And I failed to come
I deserve to be forgotten in this dusty hole
Because of what I've done