i often fantasize about the things i wish i could've done differently
looking back
it was only a handful of moments that really
just
well
anyway
i purposefully watch recorded memoirs of us making love
eyes locked like a heavily armed diamond safe
we couldn't break the code of our iris' and souls merging
i purposefully read notes and messages that were written in total bliss
somethings i scoffed off as nothings that ended up being the most something somethings that were ever somethings and they were special
never asking myself why
why did you walk away with fists when they should've been full of flowers
why did you terrorize the medicine man
why did you find solace in an eggless bird when you had the comfort of a lion leading a pride of loyal and loving knights and healers
the more i remind myself how much
much
i can't even put to words the agony i caused to your open heart
****
it makes me so much less bitter and hateful towards you
because your only crime against me was loving my touch and eyes
when I didn't deserve it.
but at least i can set you free
and hope you get the love that i should've blessed you with
the way you blessed me
only now it's starting to feel like a curse
because i'm starting to feel
like i can't feel
that feeling
that love feels like
what does it feel like?
it's been too long and my heart is beginning to turn to black ice

13th and pine
15th and pine
12th and federal
broad and morris
13th and spruce
juniper and lombard
juniper and locust
13th and walnut
18th and ellsworth
12th and kater
23rd and christian
15th and rodman
9th and filbert
17th and carpenter
10th and spruce
17th and cecil b. moore
23rd and annin
17th and ellsworth
somewhere desolate in Germantown
broad and catherine
12th and spruce
4th and catherine
10th and christian
16th and reed

I'd rather be alone
for the rest of eternity
than spend one more minute
waiting for you
to call me back.

how do i always manage to end up with my gloves up?

imagine this:
unbroken eye contact leads to an exchange of numbers that are now part of the modern identity
you think i can't tell how fearful and intrigued you are of my sharp tongue
intrigue leads to lust
rolling around flannel sheets at 2 am after hours of ****** bliss
then we sleep for hours and hours
swimming through each other's dreams like mermaids in the sea
repeat
repeat
your laugh begins to annoy me
repeat
my unwavering adoration is beginning to make you feel trapped
repeat
egos bruised and words that can't be taken back are thrown against the wall
repeat
i've been pushed over the edge
repeat
sleep alone
repeat
want you back
repeat





it's over.



start from the top again.

i feel like an egg that was born without a yolk
smooth white skin that is beginning to crack
there's nothing to spill out

i feel like an abandoned home in the middle of winter
condensation clouds floating through empty rooms that echo the sound of creaking wood and ghosts that used to be so comfortable

a bead of sweat slowly runs down my anatomy
from my red hair it begins slowly inching its way to my cheek
it feels like a tear
it is wet and now sits beneath my eyelash
yet it doesn't sting my blue iris

i've lost all control of my legs
the ones i use to twirl around Philly with
with you
they twitch and shake as the words dripping off your tongue roll into my open ears, as if i'd never heard such provocative language spat inside my cranium

have you made me more innocent?
discovering shapes, curves, rivets, and freckles in myself
transfiguring all my flaws into beauty

sitting in delicious silence
that's filled with sugar eyes and resting limbs on one another
candy falling from our jovial lips that are rarely not kissing

we could just sit here for hours
watching the smoke leave our lungs and enter each other
seeing each other without looking
hands clasped
sun sets
a smile
a kiss
black out

no amount of whiskey or **** can numb my undying desire for you
i still remember the texture of your skin against mine
where did you go?
i don't really want to know
to be honest
if i saw you again i'd probably freeze and die
like a sapling in winter
please
just
can we erase all the animosity?
i miss watching tv with you and ******* until we couldn't move
your mom's name has slipped my memory and it destroys me
the bark of your dog and the way she'd snuggle me haunts me
emily was your sister and we had nothing in common
yet we still were close because she knew how much you loved me
i'm so sorry for ruining everything
i would do anything
anything
to have you back in my life
your endless understanding of my battered soul
and the way you'd look at me before i would leave for the night
god
come back
you've become a ghost
and it's killing me.