She watches **** at 3am, and has both ******* pierced
her nails are like white roses
and her palms like the thorn of every flower dead or alive

I feel like if I *** in her mouth she'll keep me inside her forever

I have to google "how to get hard" with every girl that's not her

she's a dead head, barley leaves her bed
keeps a rusted flask under her pillow
and a knife to rip her beat up wrist
there's nothing glorifying about her image

It isn't beautiful the way she pukes on the floor and can never find bandaids
and on sunny days she'll get this feeling in her stomach
that makes her run to the nearest drug store frantically pushing everything out of the counters, looking for scar cream

when she goes long enough without sleep she'll text everyone she knows an apology for something she did three years ago

and I will always love her, but I cannot marry pills and blood

and all the people know her as a crazy, crying *****
she was born with a different heart beat
as she was counting days left, the other little girls were counting sheep

Anyone who calls it a curse to bruise easily has not felt the way their blood vessels smile and squeal when they jump
like when the keys of a piano can't hold itself up
even though you have the gentlest of fingertips and they make melodies out of the comfort of your pain,
but can't get themselves to speak when you're on to the next one


I won't be in high school forever
one day you will see all parts of me
and it will feel as misplaced as the skin between my teeth
coming out to blanket the pearls beneath my braces

and it will be so hard to wash myself off smelling like your skin the mornings that I want my mother to be the only human in the world that loves me
I have watched things from mosh pits in sketchy clubs
to lesbian body shots at house parties
and can say with my honest eyes that the inside of frames
is the only thing that makes memories in my mind
or a collection of words, but not the kind you say

They say home is where the heart is
but I never knew my home had the capability of flicking me off a cliff, watching me tumble, but still keeping every safe inside closed tight

and I never knew it hurt more to get locked out in mid spring, during a park picnic, and airplanes above you;
but nothing inside you

and my house is a brothel in war zone
but my heart developed a case of agoraphobia after fully soaking into you

Liquid Impulses seep through my bones
and become an unavoidable poison
with the power to shatter my glass organs right through my bleeding skin
I am getting you *****, but you handle secrets well

anything to make you feel more special than standing at the airport making small talk with every pair of lungs so it doesn't look like you're facing all this mass alone

I asked you politely to stop forcing continents and veiny constellations on me
but nightly pleasure is your forte

and I'm not going to pretend I want you to stay

you have handguns that you pray you'll never use, during your long visits to ceremony

you call yourself lonely, but can barley say it because like always you're loosing your voice

You came up my throat like the last overdosed pill
I can’t even remember how you got here against my will
So I tried to paint you in colors that weren’t real
Now I need back the parts I let you steal.

I compare your eyes to the red autumn sky
There’s a whole world inside your pupil, a whole world high
You said you weren’t special
But you slowed train tracks with your hands, and then brought them back again

I told everyone regrets get left behind in the hills of summer
But kissing someone new isn’t making the seasons go by
You were my favorite way of passing time

I can’t pretend anymore
I want to love again
Please hold my hand
I’ve been around a time or two
And no one gets me to feel like you

I said I’d never be like you
But now I’m non stop saying things I don’t mean

And whenever I think I’m playing with his feelings
I remember he knows my breast better than my brains

And when I look back at our conversations, they’re all the ******* same

He pulls me down onto his lap and I try to feel your hands on my back

I said I’d never be like you
But when I’m supposed to be loving him, my bones are aching for two

I smile when I think of you
how could I let that go?
you echo eternally, in disassembled bodies
and alien oxygen suits
and the ears of deaf women who will never even meet you

and when you laugh the world stops to listen
just like when you collapse and every one of earth’s hearts cave in

I started telling stories about you before I even knew you were real


so  when you tell me you love me, why does it still feel like a secret?
like love is just man made matter gone before you can feel it.