I am older and wiser
And hopefully
A little kinder
As kindness
Is nicer than
The alternative.

I tied some string
Around our
Little fingers
In a bow
Because it's the
Only knot I ever
Bothered to learn
And wished
That it would be
Enough
To keep you by
My side
Forever.

Yesterday,
You told me a story
That I had told you
The day before
But you were so excited
To share it with me
That I let it be yours
And laughed in all
The right places.

In my mind's eye
I still see you sometimes
Swirling a glass of red wine
That rests in your right hand
Like a lifeline.

Your left points at me
Beckoning me to you
With the arrorgance of age,
The age of someone who
Should know better
But chooses to be
Ignorantly obstinate
Instead.

Another night,
You sit, red wine in
Your right hand
A novel of some sorts
In your left.
The cover depicts some
Modern art, the sort I
Never cared to understand
But you always cared
To tell me about.

I should interrupt
But you are absorbed
In it's enclosing pages
And your tongue
Wriggles free from
Your mouth like a serpent
As you focus
As if betraying
The skin underneath
The real skin.

The red wine stains
Your teeth
And I deliberate
But eventually decide
To leave you there.
Focused as you are,
It seems silly to interrupt
A little foolish even
To pause the great mind
Just to tell you
That I am going
And that
You will never
See me again.

I miss the fruit I never tasted
The lips I never knew
The seeds of change are planted
But they grow slow and are but few.

My candle flame is fading
My dreams are of only you
Rejections dance like embers
But I'll pretend the words aren't true.

You've trapped me in a bottle
Of glassy, inky blue
I'll wait on this boat forever
For my love, what else am I to do?

My empty harvest is mud slick
Trampled as a path straight through
But maybe in this ruined garden
Redemption somehow grew

So I blow away the ashes
And imagine something new
Something only I could hope for
Something far far away from you.

Saturday nights and it appears
I'm still wishing you were here
Even though it could be a million years
And you still wouldn't want me.

I could fight my way through crowds
You could be figuring things out
I'd be scared, I'd be soulless
I'd be whatever just to cope less
And you still wouldn't want me.

And the thought of that it haunts me

Because I'd change my hair
I'd change my clothes
I'd be yours down to my bones
Lose all of me that I have known
And you still wouldn't want me.

I'd do whatever it takes to know you
Be your sun when days are blue
Be the love you never knew
But I feel it in me like a stake through
After doing all that I could do
You still wouldn't want me.

You've never ever wanted me

And I could shut my eyes
And deny the truth
But this right here is real life proof
I've given all I can while she gives none
And you still cannot want me
What does it take for you to want me?

I'd give midnight kisses
And dances in the dark
You'd have my all, you have my heart
I'd even get used to wanting
I'm getting used to haunting
The places we used to go
Ignoring the people we used to know
And I feel it still
As I walk myself home
The sinking feeling
Of knowing what I know
The caustic sting
In streetlight glow

You will never want me.

I'm tired I'm tired
It's the way that I'm wired
I'm tired
Of living this way.
I'm hung and I'm dry
I'm the furthest from high
I'm tired
So I need to find
The sun in the sky.
Because I'm sopping
I'm soaking
I'm tired of hoping
That something is
To be said for coping.
I'm tired
And lonely
And not thinking clearly
If only, if only
The thoughts would
Come slowly
Instead of
A cacophony
Of things I needed to hear.
I'm tired and I need
Something in me
To breathe
To crack and consider
How to be a beginner
Because I'm failing
At anything more.
I'm tired of friends
And I'm tired of ends
Of goodbyes and
Broken ties and tears in my eyes
I am tired.
I think I need to be
In order to see
Those who work best
When they're putting
Doubts in my head
And a sword through my chest
I'm tired of their
Supposed sincerity
And twisted apologises.
It is late and I'm low
I have no more to show
My reel has run fully
It has failed to fool me
As all that it is
Is mine
I am tired, it's true
But I swear it to you
I'll be fine.

The gentle crush of a treasure trove
Beneath my thick soles
Brushing over
And stomping through
Rubies and shining coins
That begin to slowly
Curl up at the sides.
There is a peaceful power
In holding the last of the
Years warmth
Between my palms,
Slowly faded watercolours
That the bees long ago
Neglected
When the chill in the air
Took over from the last
Sleepy rays.
It's a slow route to
Stiff mud and sharp frost
Meandering past
A scene of beauty.
The last of green swiped
Like a paintbrush and
Dotted with sunset spices
Is damp from fairies dew
Beads of glistening diamonds
Atop the fronds
And wetting my feet.
Wings struggle to hide
Among wooden branches
But camouflage completely
When within the fallen riches
At the twisted root
The ground still soft enough
To retrieve the feasts of summer
Before they wither away.
Richer air forms my breath
Free from the thick cling of humidity
And not yet a chill down my throat
The soft wind tickles around me
And all around is golden
The day fading into a ruby glow.

Because summer ends
As it always does
And I'm the one who's still in love
Stupid and young and jaded
Waiting for the giddy heat.

The cooler air
Is bracing and hard
A fairytale of broken parts
That sting in ways they
Really shouldn't.

I cling tightly to the aged dream
Of something sweeter
And shut myself away-
You could always be meaner.

The enchantment of my youth
Is lost in the forest
Locked down in material layers
And words that mean more to me
That were meant when spoken.

You wish me nothing but the best
And avoid my eyes
But not my chest
It's a sweet farewell I'm sure.

When you touch my cheek
It doesn't matter that
I feel so incomplete
As it's the briefest euphoria
And its taste is ambrosia.

The leaves fade past golden
And nothing changes
I wish I could hold on
And everything moves on
Except me.

I fail to adjust to the season
Wither and brown in the cold
I have nothing here to lean on
So I hide and cease to exist
Under a blanket of burnt out stars and sticks.

I'll stay that way until winter
Until frost and ice
Until they know me and
Have caught me in their frozen grip
And I no longer
Give a ****.

That will be the New Year's freedom
And suddenly it will be spring.

And I would have been
What you wanted to see
But that doesn't matter
Because you'll never want me
And all that you wanted
I never could be
Empty dreams fly away
And you set yourself free
Little bird
Hope you like being free
Little bird.

You peeled away my siren skin
When you didn't choose me
Left my shimmering scales
Raw and exposed,
Dripping seawater tears from the
Jagged edges.
You ripped off my disguise
You see,
When you showed just how much
You didn't want me,
A sheep in wolves fur,
Timid and unsuitable
Dragging behind you
And hiding in shallow waters
Until I could smooth my mask
Back into place.
I thought I could rest
In those shallow waters
Not have to show my
Burning cheeks for a little while,
But instead
I floated far out to sea
And in the swirling waters
Dark, inky and cold
I lost my scales.
A siren with a song and beauty
No more
Instead a shark, biting at the ankles
Of those who dare
To sing the sirens song.

You're my Romeo of the dim streets
The master of the dark sheets
That we're drawn to
To hide our shame under
Cheeks flaming with rosy heat.
I seek your
Bedroom eyes at parties
That look straight through me
Wanting someone else instead.
We both ignore the
Inevitable affection of connection
Stone like facades
Worn as a tragedy mask,
Mine cracking from time to time.
As always, I can't escape
My childish long for your
****** words of affection
In bars with sticky tables
And cheap drinks I bought myself.
I savour the warmth of your
Parting embrace
From which I dread letting go
As that means letting you go
In some twisted way.
Then from my tower window
I watch you stumble home
Regret like a crown on my head
And carelessness the emblem
On your shining armour shield
That glows under the amber lamplight
Until it doesn't
And the dim streets are empty once more.

The raven on the roof
Cries out a warning
Of the mourning that is sure
To arrive.
With the west winds
Outside is colder
Than I have
Ever recalled
I wrap my coat like a cloak around me
Tightly tightly
And hurry home.
The raven sits and watches
A gleam of something
(Malice or sorrow)
In his beady eye
Watching the little
World hurry by
Like pieces on a chess board
All the while
Crying out a warning
That I'll forget as soon as
I'm indoors with the kettle on
And warm lamp light
To keep away the shadows

I once had
Pictures of you
Pinned all over my room.
Snapshots of times that I laughed
Times where it felt
Like I was glowing.
They were my favourite pictures
Taken in moments
Where I felt giddy
And like I was someone special.
I'd even keep the bad ones
The blurry, the blinking
The "Delete that now!"
I kept them all
As when I was with you
I smiled so much.
Time moves on
And you never treasured
Those pictures
Those memories
In the way that I did
So, after a while,
I took the photos down
And filled their space
With other days
That I barely remember.

In the warm glow of birthday candles
My playlist on in the background
I tell myself
It's moments like this
I'll remember forever.
I'll remember being young
And laughing
Forever.
And it will make me smile
As I am having such a nice time.

My youth is slipping through my fingers
Hot butter, melting down my palm
Cascading slowly
Drip dripping
And there is nothing I can do
To hold onto it.

You are honey dripping
Through my
Outstretched fingers,
Saccharine sugar dissolving
On my tongue.
After tasting you
My lips are sweet
And syrupy,
Sticky and shining
In the opal light.
Without you
I am coffee
Scalding and bitter.
But
After you sample me
I am a blend of spices
Aromatic and vivid
Exotic and rare.
I make your
Tongue burn with heat
And tingle
Long after I've left you
You can still
Taste me in the air.
I dream of your
Cloying sweetness
And you my
Powerful, consuming heat.

I watch my window weep
Condensation
Small droplets drip
Onto the sill.
I should learn to listen
To sorrow
I cry
And always will.

I hate the burn of rejection
It cuts with a claw
That will sting
My heart wants
Only devotion
And yet
Craves  
Any small thing.

My mind calls out
For an answer
And thinks silence
Is a thing to be missed
I miss the warmth
Of a lover
And my lips still
Long to be kissed.

It's lonely here in the ocean
My boat floats
Far out to sea
I only wish
That somebody
Was home and
Calling for me.

So my window weeps
Condensation
And I cry for the lost
And the free
I face the fear
Of a world that is open
When I am caged
And oh so empty.

You pick me up in your car
I'm already waiting outside
Shopping and lunch, you suggest
I think it's the perfect plan.

As you drive, we catch up
(I hate that we've been apart)
You tell me stories
About people I don't know
Jokes I don't understand
But try to laugh at
All the same.

Somewhere, on the way
Your car splutters
And fails to start on the hill
You're annoyed, say we'll be stuck here
I am secretly thrilled
But then worry
That you don't want to be with me
For that long.

It clearly shows on my face
As you reassure me
Put your hand on my leg
(I wish you would keep it there)
And tell me help is on its way.

Your Mum arrives
As you're calling a repairman
She calls me your girlfriend
I don't correct her
And stand close to you
When your phone call ends.

I try not to read into it
When you don't move away
(After all, we're used to being close)
But still savour the warm smile
Your Mum gives me
Before she drives away.

We window shop for hours
Slip back into our old rhythm
I reach for your hand
Instinctively
But you move yours away
Before mine has reached it
And I'm left grabbing
At the air
Trailing behind you.

We try on stupid hats
And laugh and laugh
(Is it weird that we're friends now?)
You're in a great mood
And I'm proud to be with you
As you put on a show
That passers by
Stop and smile at.
(It's awful being just your friend now)

We have lunch at a bistro
Our table is small and intimate
And our knees touch
Under the table
It makes me blush but
I love it.

You say you have something
You want to tell me
My heart leaps
And flutters.
I take a sip of milkshake
To avoid saying something
Stupid.

You look me in the eye
And tell me
That you've met someone
And she's perfect
You couldn't be happier
You have a smile
 fixed on your face.

The milkshake
Curdles with my stomach acid
My mouth is dry
I think I'm going to be sick
And excuse myself.

You don't notice
That I'm quiet for the rest
Of our lunch.
You speak enough for
The both of us
Telling me stories
That I don't want to hear.

My ears ring
Like mourning bells
And I feel dizzy.
My face is pale
Under the artificial lights
I wish I was anywhere
But here.

You drive me home
Thank me for the
Nice afternoon we had.
I go in and know
That I can never see you
Again.

As I am not your friend
And never can be
As I am not quite over you
And I'm hurting
More than I'd admit.

I put sun cream on in the bedroom
You told me you liked the smell.
Later, sand stuck to it
When your hand was on my thigh
And your tongue in my mouth.
I tell my mother but not my friends
Because it wasn't as good
As I thought it would be
And I'm worried I did something wrong.
The next day
I avoid your gaze in the cafe
But you see me and
You pay for my ice coffee.
We go for a walk
I'm too awkward to say a thing
Our hands nearly brush, never touch.
We reach the pier
And I feel comfortable enough
To tease you about
Your Hawaiian shirt.
You're bashful, tell me it's second hand
And it smells musty, like dust
I suggest sun cream
And you smile, it's not awkward anymore.
You walk me home and
Kiss me before I go in
I thank you for the coffee
And watch as you walk
Down the path
Glowing in the evening sun.
Summer ends
And you promise to call
But never seem to find the time.
I watch your life unfold on Facebook
And we become strangers.
But I still think of you
Whenever I smell
Sun cream on my skin.

I feel your gaze
Tracing the outlines of my face
As I turn page after page
Of the book
That I now cannot
Take in a word of.
Instead I pretend
That I'm still
Absorbed in the words
While simultaneously
Running my tongue
Over my lips
To make them shine
And sitting up straighter.
I wonder if your observations
Are of disdain, curiosity
Or even admiration.
I pretend they are
And let myself feel beautiful
And powerful
For a minute at least.

How do I feel?
I'm feeling lonely and bitter
Twisted and unsatisfied
My eyes hurt from crying
And my head pounds
I've been pushing down
The overwhelming urge
To sob
As I have to get through the day.
But I feel fine mostly yeah
I'm ok
Just heartbroken and all that
But fine I promise.

My too sweet jam on toast
And my too bitter coffee
Should have made for
A perfect morning.
But I am in mourning
So it all turned to dust
In my mouth.

You said you liked
My skinny blue jeans
Which I took to mean
You really liked me,
Because I like you
Early in the morning
With your hair messed up
And it's so ****** up
Because I dreamt
I was good enough
But I'll never be good enough
For you.
And you laughed at
The love letters
Thought you could do better,
Dismiss the girls that we meet
On the glistening streets
Who fawn and paw over you-
I know how they feel
Because I feel it too.
I'm sorry if I bore you
But I really adore you
Because you were so nice to me
Once upon a time.
I like your smile
And your old blue fleece
I once felt complete
But now I struggle
To feel anything at all.
I can't pretend
That I'm more than a friend
Because reality grounds you
Shows the world in it's true hue
Like the ending of tragic tv.
Because you never liked
My skinny blue jeans
And you certainly
Definitely, in all honesty
Never liked me.

Every day I fall in love with strangers
Our one second, once chance meeting
Becomes a beautiful story.
Most end with tragedy
The sorrow beginning
When I inevitably never see them again
But the story is perfect all the same.
The boy in the blue tshirt
Sat across me on the bus
Becomes my troubled protagonist
He's flawed but perfect all the same
Our paths won't cross again
But wasn't our tale magical
While it lasted?

In hindsight,
Maybe you weren't as perfect
As I originally thought.
Looking back,
Maybe I put you on a pedestal
That you were only too happy
To sit on.
Maybe, deep down, your flaws
Were only too obvious to me.
Now they stare blinking at me
As if caught in the middle of a crime
A deer in the headlights.
I'm still drawn to you somehow
But, in hindsight,
Maybe I can learn to keep my gaze
Straight ahead
Not straying to you.
Looking back,
I should have done that all along.

I have a mother in my head
A child in my heart.
They both want me to be happy
In their own unique way.
For them I will make sure
To eat my vegetables
And wrap up warm
Before going to splash
In rain puddles
And look out for falling stars.
For them I will live in the moment
And laugh whenever possible
As it is those memories
You look back on
The most fondly.

She said to me, one night
I sincerely believe
That good-for-nothing boys
Should be avoided
At all costs.
This is unless, of course,
You simply can't help it.
Then you should let them
Put a shy grin on your face
And make your pulse
Pound and flutter.
They will leave you
With very good
Forbidden memories
That you will treasure
One day when it's over.

Why do I do this to myself?
Making lists in my head
Of why I should feel sad
Why I do feel sad
As if experiencing them once
Wasn't bad enough.
Why do I cling to the lyrics
Of depressing songs
Take the words to heart
And recite them under my breath
A mantra for the tears.
None of this helps
Reading words like this doesn't help.
I search for solidarity
In my loneliness
Hoping someone else
Is feeling the same as me
When really all I need
Is a distraction.
I eagerly await a better feeling
To flood my veins and consume me
But do nothing to create it
Except open my window
And hope it flies in.
I only ever mange to summon
A cold breeze that mingles with
The sound of the road below.
Maybe the chill of it will
Cool my flushed skin
And provide
The good sense
To put my feelings aside
And carry on with the day.

Why do I long for home
As if it was something
Lost to me
Out at sea
Under the waves of oblivion.

Why do I feel empty
And indifferent to it all.

I would like to lie
In the suns gaze
And shrug off myself
Give my thoughts the slip
Just for a moment
A minute, an eternity.

Carry on without me
I'll be here awhile
And imagine I'm sat
Under the sky I know
So much better than this one
The one with the brighter stars
That I can reach
And graze my fingertips across
Remembering the burn of promise
As if it was tingling still.

Home where are you now
Have you flown somewhere far
Where I cannot reach
Without a guide
Without some aid.
Will I stay here on this island
That is so
Familiar but detached from me.
When will I be ready
To brave the storms
For possibility
For more than what I have made
And chose to stay in.

Why does the sight of you
Still ignite shy joy
In my long ago frozen veins
When you were the one
Who made me cold
To the touch.
Why do I seek your smile alone
In the crowd
When others would
Grant me theirs
Without the price of reproach
Hating myself
When left alone in the night.
Why do I miss the thought of you
When in my mind
You remain eternally present
And by my side.
In my darkest dreams
You never leave, you never left
And yet
simultaneously elsewhere
As time goes on
You're walking away
Towards someone else
Who doesn't need to miss you
Who doesn't need to think of you
To survive.

You've been sweet talking
Me lullabies
And holding my hand
When it's dark outside.
You've been so steady
When I've stumbled
Holding me in
When I start to crumble.
You've been a reminder
Of my flaws
And why they don't matter
The way they did before.
You've been broken and twisted
Yet simple and kind
So like me where it matters
Our lives entwined.
I've loved and despised you
Had you in my brain
You've kept me close by
And pushed me away.
We've fallen and risen
Survived a spiral, a whirl
A story, so simple,
About a boy and girl.

I wear my makeup like a war paint
To me it's not a cover up
A camouflage
But instead what allows me
To charge into battle.
It enhance my best features
Instead of concealing the bad
After all,
A bright lipstick
Will only draw attention
To my smile
And why wouldn't I smile
When my cheekbones sparkle
When they hit the light
Or when my lashes flutter
So I feel like a disney princess.
Don't think I'm insecure
Just because I'm secure in
Choosing how I show my face
To the world.
Don't think I'm hiding
Behind a 'fake' or 'false' me.
My makeup is my war paint
And with my head held high
All can admire it
As I gracefully charge
Into battle.

I am surrounded
Completely and fully
With love
It drenches my hair
Dripping silky and smooth
Down my spine
And leaves my skin
Damp to the touch
Like a fine mist
A haze
That I breathe in,
A perfume that
Makes me see straight
And keeps my breathing
Steady and even
Lets my heart keep beating.
Love whispers to me
While I sleep
Keeps the bad thoughts away
And settles me
Glowing in the corner
Of my room
Keeping away the dark
And surrounding
Me in light
So I am weightless.

After the sleepy days of winter
I am ignited, brought to life,
The phoenix rising
And soaring through
Daydreams and memories.
I am caught by the edge of
A summer breeze
I whirl around in the air
Like a dandelion seed
Carrying the promise
Of a wish
The promise of tomorrow
The promise of summer.
I am a rainstorm after
Days of sticky heat,
I am the change of pressure
In the air, humid and thick
I am not stopping anytime soon
So couples dance and splash
Raincoats over sun dresses.
Today, because of me,
Everything is lush green and alive
So that when the sun peaks around
A cloudy corner once more
Nature will march to the order
And stand straight and tall
Breathtaking. Beautiful. Summer.

In the crowd of the room
The flashing lights
And pulsating tempo
Of music
That makes my bones
Shake
I am only focused on you.
Your hair, your eyes, your smile
Your confidence and ease.
In any other moment
Your lack of equal interest
In me
Would make my heart feel bruised
And my chest ache
As if it was cracked and hollow.
But, in this moment
I savour the opportunity
To drink in every bit of you
Unnoticed
And pretend that I'm
As much a part of the crowd as you are.
I repeatedly
Commit your face to memory
And then let myself enjoy
The feeling of your skin on mine
You in your overpriced designer t-shirt
Tanned arms bare in short sleeves.
And me in a strappy top
My carefully made up face
That is of no interest to you
Though you might have told me
I looked nice (as you sometimes do
Before we arrive
At these parties).
I cling onto these words
And let them guide
My easy and carefree smile
And swaying movements.
With you in front of me
It's easy to pretend.
I fool even myself
In these little moments
Convince everyone
And maybe even believe that
I am having the best time of my life
And then wonder
When I am alone
Why happiness feels so empty.

Today, the outside air smelt of summer.
It hit me with the same ferocity
As a strangers too strong perfume
But with the same familiarity
Of that of your mother's.
But how did a season have a smell
It was not the smell of
Freshly cut grass
Or flowers
Or even fruity drinks
The marketed, scents of the season
But instead raw, wonderful summer.
Were my senses altered?
Did I confuse the warmth of sun on my face
Or the blue of the sky
As a scent?
Then surely the harsh, chilling winds
Should have carried the scent
Of Autumn or Winter
And mangled into a sensory explosion.
No, the air smelt of summer
And huddled in my coat and scarf
Feet crunching on leftover snow
I longed for summer and her lazy warmth
So I breathed in deeply
And then hurried on in
As not to shatter my
Thoughts of summer
A perfectly good daydream.

I feel like an unfinished painting
A portrait of a woman
The figure without a name.
I am always
A nearly masterpiece,
The unfinished sequel to
An artist's best work.
Critics will consider
My half shaded eyes
And sheer, lifeless hair
From too little paint strokes
Or careful pressure of a pencil
A pity.
They will declare that I
Could have been a showpiece
And won awards
Maybe they will ask
Why I was never completed
But know not to push the matter
As not to upset the artist.
Instead I am shut up in an attic
A dustsheet hiding me from view
Maybe I have become
Damaged from exposure
To sunlight and damp.
Maybe I have been forgotten
As an unfinished, abandoned project
A mark of shame
For the genius
Whose other works
Were a roaring success.

When I was small
You seemed to be a character
Straight from the pages
Of the storybooks
You would read to me at bedtime.
An unappreciated genius
Tall and strong enough
To make me fly like an aeroplane.

When you came in from work tired
I would tiptoe past the sleeping giant
And you would pull me in for a hug
Warm and safe.
When it was my turn to be tired
I would ride on your shoulders
Pretend I was as tall as you
And let you join in my adventures
Through fairytale lands.

You were the patient one,
As I struggled over the maths problems
My dreamer brain
Could never seem to understand
But was another thing you
Were good at.
You would amaze at my
Appetite for books
And encourage me
To keep my head in the clouds.
Now I see that we are more alike
Than I would have ever forseen
Despite the differences
I used to think were mountainous.

I think of you with every song I play
And know you're thinking of me
As you do the same.
Although I've grown too much
To still ride on your shoulders
You've remained a part of my adventures
As we instead walk side by side.
Even now, I still see you
As an unappreciated genius
And my safety net
The strong, sleeping giant
With the gentlest heart I know.

You looked tired today
Soft and sleepy, like a little boy
I wanted to have your head in my lap
To run my fingers through your hair
Soft against smooth
Warmth against warmth
But I felt too much like a little girl
With blushing cheeks
Shy and unsure of what I want
So I hung back, afraid
Offered you a cup of coffee
Lectured you about an early night
And stayed in the safety
Of being just a friend
Always, just your friend.

I am many miles away
I have left home
Flown the nest
Towards the sea.
I am now
Past the age of dependency
And yet I have
Never needed you more
And as usual
You are there
My eternal source of love
And reassurance.

I have grown past the age
Of needing to be rocked to sleep
But I know you stay up
Waiting for me to come home
And let you know I'm OK.
I am not the child
That needs to sit on your knee
And have my hair stroked
But I know the spot is always free
When I'm sad and need you.

You will always be my source of wisdom
You tell me how to cook as you do
Warn me who cannot be trusted
As you showed me how to read
When I was small
And as I can always trust you.
Now I teach you
How to use your phone
So we can send silly photos
And make me feel at home wherever I go.

To my mother
Who I miss everyday
But know is just a phone call away.

I want to dream
of fresh, green fields
Wildflowers, sweet and heady
Tickling the end of my nose
As I stare out at blue skies
And feel the warmth of the sun
On my face as my eyes shut.
I want to dream
Of laughter and stories
Surrounded by love and light
A face that aches from smiling
and cheeks that are tinged pink
My glass always half full.
I want to dream
I feel it as a longing
Deep inside me, rising and falling
Like waves.
I want to dream
And feel it fill me up
Complete me and fix where
I have broken and frayed.
I want to dream
And have it come true.

I have loved you for a long time
And hated myself
For you not loving me
The scorn of being
The unrequited lover
Burnt into my skin.
But you are my best friend
With you I have laughed
So much that I've cried
And cried myself to sleep
Thinking about why
I am the undesirable
The unlovable, the always
And yet never quite.
At night you are
The man of my dreams
And in the day
Perfect and somehow godlike
Bathed in sunlight and self-confidence
While I dim in the shadows behind you.
But I cannot hate myself anymore
And I cannot love you anymore
So I must turn my back on sunshine
And let myself enjoy the rainbows
And the rainstorms.

We were in love
Once upon a time
It was wonderful.
But then we woke up
Why do I always
Have to wake up.

Life is sour
A taste that makes you wince
As if you've been
******* lemons
For when life hands you lemons
You can pretend
You squeezed them in your eyes
That explains the tears.
My heart feels bitter
I've left it open for too long
I should throw it out
As what's the point in salvaging
What can so easily be replaced.
Yes I'm feeling sour
Bitter, rotten
Who wouldn't be
With your name on their tongue.

You are sweet
Like tea with too many spoons of sugar
The mug you cradle and
Drink while it's still hot.
You are sweet
Like picnics and walks along the beach
Holding hands with damp palms
My heart beating fast in my chest.
You are sweet
Like the treats you shouldn't have
But I feel I will never grow sick of you
Or feel I have to push the plate away
To be polite.
I don't drink tea
And it's too cold outside for picnics
But with you the world is fuzzy
Golden glazes my eyes
And I find myself liking the taste of
Honey on my tongue.

If I could start a fire
And watch the world burn
Out
Out like a light, a shutter, a spark
For I am a star, a star to burn out
Out
To float in the space, in the void
Just to sit and wonder, and leave, just to go
Out.
I think I need something, I think I need-
I think I need to get out
Out.
I'll wipe the tears and the soot from the ash
Because this fires gone, the flames have burnt out
Out.
I am the flames that are gone.
I am the star that is dust.
I am the space in the void.
I think I need to get out.
Out.

Jealousy is like
A swarm of insects,
Within your bones and veins
With small feet- like knives
That cut and cut and scar
Leaving your pride stung
And your sense of self subsided.
Jealousy is like
Tar, thick and sticky
Leaving the words you want to say
Caught in your throat
The difficult words
Blocking your airways
Leaving you gasping for breath.
Jealousy has become
Another ***** to me.
It burns my chest, swirls my stomach
Flashes behind my eyes
Emerald green, a vial of poison.
I feel it as part of me
Just as much a part
As the parts of me
It made me loathe.
I live with jealousy
I am jealousy
The tumour, the parasite, the ****.
Who am I to fight it
When it has become so at home
For it is I who fuels it
And lives with it alone.

What I want
Is a hand to hold
Warm and rough to the edges
Clasping my palm and my fingers
Like an embrace.
What I want is a conversation
A check in
Someone who wants to know that I'm OK
Even if I don't have an answer right now.
What I want is someone
Someone who thinks of me
Not to benefit themselves
But because they want to
Someone who cares.
But what use are wants, I'm sure I have many of them.

In my mind
There is a place
Where green grass grows
And sunbeams filter
Softness
A sweet glow of gold.
This place
is unlike any other
The leaves on the ground
And the fallen branches
Whisper to me
A gentle reassurance
That any path here is safe.
The sky is forever blue
Not a mass of brightness
Radiating like an LED sign
Instead a water colour painting
Of pale hues
A silky blue
Dotted with wispy white clouds.
Here I could sleep forever
And wake to
Petals
Pink and light
Falling on my face
Like the flurries of
First snow in winter.
Here they speak of heroes
Mighty rulers
Kings and Queens
Their Princes behind them.
But what need is there
For a brave hero
When no villain lurks
Around the corner.
And what do powerful Kings
Rule over
In a world of freedom?
This place is a moment
Not a continuing existence
But a glimmer
A possibility
Of what could be.
But
Stranger
Don't think too hard
Lay back
Bathe your skin
In warmth and light
And tell yourself
For now at least
You are content.