In my mind
There is a place
Where green grass grows
And sunbeams filter
Softness
A sweet glow of gold.
This place
is unlike any other
The leaves on the ground
And the fallen branches
Whisper to me
A gentle reassurance
That any path here is safe.
The sky is forever blue
Not a mass of brightness
Radiating like an LED sign
Instead a water colour painting
Of pale hues
A silky blue
Dotted with wispy white clouds.
Here I could sleep forever
And wake to
Petals
Pink and light
Falling on my face
Like the flurries of
First snow in winter.
Here they speak of heroes
Mighty rulers
Kings and Queens
Their Princes behind them.
But what need is there
For a brave hero
When no villain lurks
Around the corner.
And what do powerful Kings
Rule over
In a world of freedom?
This place is a moment
Not a continuing existence
But a glimmer
A possibility
Of what could be.
But
Stranger
Don't think too hard
Lay back
Bathe your skin
In warmth and light
And tell yourself
For now at least
You are content.

To me, my eyes are windows
My soul exposed
Showing to the world
My every joy or suffering.
What I never realise
Is how the windows are blocked
Curtains drawn
Blacked out from the inside
With cardboard and tape
A weak defence
Subconsciously put up
A weak defence to hide behind.
My tears are blocked in
Slowed to an escaping trickle
Burning and stinging
As it prevents the waterfall.
Can't you see
How I feel?
I'm drowning here
Look through the gaps
Through the window
A broken soul remains.

Words are like
Spilled ink on a page
They mean nothing
But stain everything they touch.
These words
Burn and can heal
Destroy and bring together.
I have known them to
Create an empire
But then send it crashing down
A ghostly reminder
That the pen is mightier than the sword.
These words
Are sharp and cutting
They have to be
In order to catch and claw
The attention that they want.
In the wrong hands
These words
Can obliterate
But can also be useless
And ruin reputation.
These words are
A weapon, a living
A way to live
They are older
And wiser than you
Or me.
Let them sit for a while
Get a good look
For these words
Will come and go
With the springtime.

Why amongst the peace
And simplistic
Normality
Do I feel dread
Burning up inside
Acidic and sour
Upon my tongue.
What is this hollow
Emptiness
That cannot be filled
with birthday cake
Laughter
And smiles
A hollowness that echoes
And drums
Beating in my ear
Until I feel dizzy and sick.
The thud of it
Rushes like
Footsteps
Stomping
And Stomping
An endless cycle
That can be drowned out
But never stopped
For it rings in my head for days
And pounces when
I am vulnerable.
Sometimes I wish
It would stop
But sometimes
I let it wash over me
Like a cycle of waves
Over my head
Over it all
Until it ends
And I rise
A survivor of the wreckage

A blush on my cheeks
A smile spreading wide
A laugh at every word
That comes out
Of your seemingly
Perfect imperfect mouth
Childishly wondering
If you think I'm pretty,
Or if you find my mouth
Perfect too.
Hidden glances
To meet your gaze
And stare into your eyes
And forget the world
For a while.
I spend my days with
A spring in my step
A twinkle in my eye
Oh if I had the courage to try-
Poetics aside,
You make me a wreck
My stomachs flips
And churns
And my skin tingles
When our arms brush.
I'm not saying this is love
But yet instead
An intense
Admiration
Adoration
But still
Hesitation
For I am shy
And will surely wait
Until this feels right
By and by.

My childhood sits
At the opposite end of a room
Alongside a worn, comfy chair
Clear in my line of sight
Until someone stands
And obscures my view
And I wait for them to move again.
It's a room that I never seem to leave
But at times it seems
So distant
And unfamiliar
As if facing a stranger.

The room is full
And the air around
Smells like something I know well
Salty sea air, dog fur
Coco chanel
And wet paint.
It's a mix of tangy
And sweet.
A cocktail or a witches potion.

I face straight on,
But
From the corner of my eye
I can see
Yellow and blue swings
Soaring straight to the sky
And back again into
Warm loving arms
That patch me up
As I fall time and time again
But remain fearless.
If I whirl around I feel that I can
Face it
But it blurrs and blinds my eyes
So I turn away
Remain detached.

At times I feel like
I have been cruelly snatched
From my place here
But deep down I knew
I was beginning to outgrow it
Even though it seemed to
Fit so well.
My new skin sometimes feels rough
And flimsy
Stretched and put back together
Nothing like days of sunshine
and our own world at the beach.

I'm still living in the daze of a disney dream,
Still afraid of the dark
Eagerly awaiting my prince charming
Hiding in my imagination
Pretending to be myself
As if I'm content in adulthood.
I know behind my shoulder
Childhood stands
Waves and beckons
Begging me to join them
In play and fun.
I force myself to walk on
Knowing that if I turned around
It would disappear
Fly away like dust in a breeze.
Because my childhood has left
And only a room
Of disorganised
Well loved
Memories
Remain.

Why do I place
My self worth
Into others
Blindly trusting them
With my heart and my soul
My faith in others.
I live for the high
Of the value and trust
They give to me
Their priority
The feeling of being needed
Appreciated
But this isn't a gift
Instead a loan
That is cruelly ripped away
Given to someone else.
Leaving me low
As if after a sugar boost
A false sense of energy or fulfilment
Grasping and snatching
Scraping
Like an addict
Desperate for the scraps
Trapped in self loathing
Disgust
Until I can place my worth
In another disappointment.

Why do I never
Fit
into the shapes around me
Am I missing a part
Or do the parts I have
Hold me back
Refusing to bend, break or adapt
Do I want to change?
Lose myself for a sense of belonging
A sense of false loyalty.
Do I enjoy
Being only half in
Back exposed to the cold
Isolated
And forgotten easily
Never quite right.
I am a lost puzzle piece
How have I
Wandered from my home
Where I fit
Like key into lock
And hand into hand
A perfect fit
Before I was placed
In the wrong box
By someone careles.
I dream of blue skies
Where I sit safely
In the middle
of a coffee table
Home.

I feel numb
A twisted kind of invincible
Where nothing can hurt me.
I'm walking through
A battle ground
And I'm shot down
Again and again
But I feel nothing
But an itch
Like the absence of a limb.
I feel numb,
Floating on smog
Thick and dark and choking
It's burning my lungs
Staining my clothes
I am a doll
Move me however you like
I will not feel a thing
For I am merely numb.

Why do thoughts
Creep
Like a stranger on the stairs
Into your mind
And dig their way in
Like maggots
Into decay.
They leave traces
Reasons to doubt,
Worry and over think.
These thoughts
Pollute
And distort.
Your mind becomes a haze
Unclear,
Hiding
In a sea of fog.

And the strength of the lion
Was matched
By the courage
Of the butterfly
Who flew from flower to flower
And left the past behind her
As a closed book.

Your gift to me
Was a wilted flower
In spring
When the new buds were growing
Stronger and more beautiful
Every day.
Your gift to me
Was salty tears
Hot and fast
Falling down my cheeks
Like an avalanche.
For you, I learnt
How to appear nonchalant
When my heart was breaking,
My brave face cracking
Like plaster on a wall.
You gifted yourself regret
Learning that green grass
Surely wilts and browns in winter
But sand and sea remain
A constant in the ever changing.
I will turn my tears
Into salt water
Powerful waves
That will carry and support me.
I will not drown you, my love
But I will no longer be your life raft
As you are only a boy
Not a puppet master.

The world is new
Stained with swirls
Of sky blue and pink
and lit up
By thousands of
Glowing stars.
I am its spectator
Eternal and unafraid
Reassured
As it is familiar to me
Like a daydream
And it welcomes me
Like an old friend
Holding my hand
In the darkness.
Arriving as quickly
As a thought
And dissipating as quickly
As a thought forgotten.

Expectations
Are the mistakes of the hopeful
Expecting an ocean
and turning up to a puddle
Shallow and murky.
Expectations
Are the mistakes of the dreamers
Seeing a world of
Magic and comfort
But opening their eyes to
Loneliness and an old pop CD on repeat.
Expectations
Are the cause of
Trying to stop crying
At 3 in the morning
In your new dress
Mascara running down your cheeks.
Expectations
Teach you that
You will never be good enough
You learn the hard way.
Expectations
Are a burned out star
A crater, a broken heart, bloodshot eyes.
Expectations
Are time and time again
As a hopeful dreamer
Never learns.

Dear you,
The mysterious stranger
My old friend
The one with stars in his eyes
To you,
The boy who has
Captured my heart
And broken it at the
Same time
As if you thought
As silly as it was
I was something
Precious and fragile
Like glass.
You,
The mysterious stranger,
My oldest companion
Who has the answers
And yet
Is still somehow
Ignorant to the world
Lost boy,
Explorer and conqueror
Afraid of the dark
And failure.
Am I forgotten?
Scorned like rain
Or broken
Like  a promise.
For you,
My dreamer, 
The world awaits.

At times
I feel like
An artist
With a blunt pencil.
A writer
With a pen and no ink.
At times
I feel like
A musician
But my instruments
Have no strings.
How do I share
The thoughts inside
My mind
When my tongue is
Twisted
And my words
Are bulky
And do not flow
Like a stream
Or a river
In spring.
Perhaps, I shall create
A masterpiece
From broken tools
And call it abstract.
An abstract of the human mind.

Welcome to the
Wasteland.
You've been here
For a while,
But the stars
Let you think
You were somewhere
Else
And for that,
I am sorry.

What I hate most about being grown
Is in your life, you're all alone
When you're sad, and down and blue
There is no one there to comfort you
And when the world seems big and wild
You have to face it, you're not a child
No ducking behind the covers, scared
You're an adult. Why aren't you prepared?
When bad dreams strike in the dead of night
Who is there to ease your fright?
Is there a manual that I've mislaid
Because all I am is a little afraid
This adult life is not for me
I've had it with responsibility
I think I'll build a blanket fort
Stay hidden inside, never caught short
Come fetch me later, when I'm ready
to live adult life without my teddy.

It was worse
To say nothing
But now we have
Reached nothing
And the candle
Has gone out.

We're one step closer
To paradise
My darling
But one step back
And you'll fall
Don't trust the strangers
My darling
We're not one step closer
At all.

Mankind
The kind who love
We're kind
It's in the name
But, we're choosy
Picky
We've earned it after all
The smartest species
Who can outsmart themselves
For who needs to love
Or be kind
When hatred
Is stronger
Our poison
Fuelling us
Polluting us
Misting our eyes
How is it
That mankind
The smartest species
Could be so cruel?
Maybe we're not the
Smartest species
After all.

Oh what joy it is to lay
In lush green grass
On a summers day
And oh the pleasure of a summers breeze
Curling through hair
Like branches on trees
Oh how nice to feel the sun
Warm your skin
When the day is done
And oh how calm to be outside
Free from the walls
In which you had to reside
Oh how charming to admire the view
Watch the endless blue skies
As if the world was new
And oh the laugh of a barefoot skip
And crystal clear waters
In which your toes may dip
Oh the sweetness of a birds song
The buzz of the bees
Where the creatures belong
For what joy it is to lay
In lush green grass
On a summers day
When the world is full of glee
And time is meant for you and me.

Love blossomed like a spring flower
Small and hopeful
Like a promise of sunshine
Shielding the greys of winter.
And it shone within me
Like a candle
Flickering through the darkness
A ray of hope to grab onto
Like a safety rope.
But holding onto it was like
Hanging off a cliff edge
It burned my fingertips
As I stayed
So close to falling
And yet so close
To being saved
If only somebody
Would reach and pull me up.
But time went on
And the sun began to shine too brightly
Scorching me.
Yet, still I stayed, close to the warmth
As I was tired of the cold
And I was tired now
As it was just too easy
To shut my eyes
Lean back
And fall.

Speak up, speak out
They say
This is your chance.
But, I have no voice.
Mind full of thoughts
But no voice
In which to share them.
Around me
People are shouting
Screaming and banging their fists
But I am unable to share
a word or whisper
That will be heard.
Around me, the world is
changing
Evolving, growing and shrinking
My mind is filled with dreams and possibilities
But even in a land of free speech,
And empowerment
I have no voice.
So I keep quiet
As my mind screams
And nothing is done.

Your gaze searched
But never seemed to find
Mine in a room of so many others
As, why would eyes as real as yours
Think to look through the crowd
And down
To see a pair as hopeful as my own
That patiently wait
And wait forever
For you
When I, am nothing but
Small, insignificant, a waste.

Your smile floated on a wave
Sparkling and shimmering
As if it had absorbed the sun.
It made me smile too,
Watching you shine
But, then I stopped as you
Floated further until I could
No longer see you
But still, I reached out, arms stretching
Turning, twisting away
As what reason now did I have to smile
Trying, fighting, losing
Until I dropped like a stone and sank
Into the mud
As your shine cast its beams
Elsewhere.

I sat in the centre of the earth
Without a care in the world
I sat alone on the grass so green
With the sky so blue
But, in the distance, thunder rolled
The grass browned
the sky darkened
And then I saw it
A small, white daisy
So delicate, so full of hope
But then
The fool I am, and the fool I will stay
Picked it
Broke the bond
Destroyed the hope
And as the daisy slowly wilted
I looked around, opened my eyes
With the gate of hell upon my back
And saw a new daisy begin to grow
As for every hell there is a heaven
For every lock there is a key
And as my soul drifted away
I thought and dreamt of hope
Of innocence
And the daisy

I once knew a man
Who believed he could
Conquer the world
He burned brightly.
And then came
The end of a long day
And the man lay down
To bed
And thus remained
Conquering nothing.

A last breath exhales slowly
Dancing away on a lost promise
Over forests of almosts
And oceans of tears, lost
Until, it slows, and floats
Remaining next to the one
It once called home
And remains in its eternal slumber
Resting gently and peacefully
Until the other, too, takes its
Last exhale
And the two are United
Somewhere.

A soul burns brightly,
In a dark room of blind eyes,
Shining solitary and alone.
And, when the flame
Wavers,
Falters, and nearly dies,
Somewhere, in the depths,
A soul flickers back.

Who made this existence, not you nor I
But the day the swallows began to fill the sky
We remembered the things we shouldn't have done
The revolution of our minds had begun
There were smoke clouds and bombs,  our tears ran like rain
None of us willing to go there again
Our intentions were clear, our desires not met
They tried to fight back, longed for us to forget
Our minds turned to hatred, our souls turned to why
Who made this existence, not you nor I
We are searching for the answer we will never receive
We do not cry for our lost ones, we will not grieve
The day dead bodies littered the ground
They all lay silenced, not making a sound
We have no answer, we do not know why
Who made this existence, not you nor I