"You can't wear that,"
"You're too fat,"
The words echo inside my empty belly,
"You shouldn't have eaten that."

In the back of my throat is a model,
A body type I've aspired to be,
I shove in my hands to grab that model,
Bringing back everything I had for tea.

I look in the mirror,
Presented with teary, bloodshot eyes,
Seeing my aspiration that had gone to ****,
I still don't look like that model,
I'm still just a "fat *****".

I am a girl, I must be weak,
I must know that men are stronger,
I need reassurance that I should be pretty,
All because I am a daughter.

I am a girl, I must love pink,
I must wear a skirt and a dress,
But not too short or I ‘must’ be a ****,
But of course, a ***** would never impress.

I am a girl, I must be 'asking for it’,
I mustn’t object when I am cat called on the street,
Because 'I have a nice ***’ and 'every man has free speech’
And I must want attention regarding the heels on my feet.

I am a girl and I should be paid less than a man,
I mustn’t be able to do the right amount of work,
I am supposed to have a clean job, such as a nurse,
A baker, or a hotel desk clerk.

I am a girl and this is what I was brought up to believe,
I was taught to be anchored,
To never cross the line between the sexes,
To never deceed the standard.

I am a girl and I am strong,
I will not be stereotyped by a colour,
I will never be your 'eye candy’,
Do not underestimate my gender.

I used to lay my secrets in the wind,
Secrets that only the wind and I would share,
Secrets that without the wind should drown me,
Secrets I could only tell the wind.

Secrets you wouldn't dare to imagine,
When I pulled the wool over your eyes,
What did you think I was up to?
Secrets only I could imagine.

Secrets that came in numbers,
Just like you and I, a pair,
But you aren't the only half in my pair,
Or a third, or a quarter which comes in numbers.

I can't decide why I cannot be one for one,
For a singleton is never enough, not for me,
The boredom I receive does not suffice,
Not from one, two, or three.

The guilt I carry is but a secret,
A secret just for me,
A secret in my mind, I grinned,
Another secret laid in the wind.

Becoming numb on a suicidal Sunday,
Seeing your heart beat through your shirt,
Wishing it would stop,
Oh God, why won't it stop?

Feeling the burn of toxic coping mechanisms,
Intoxication becoming pure bliss,
The liquid surging down your throat,
As if it were washing your woes away.

Writing with solely a semicolon,
For everyone praises it as a solution,
A solution to suicide, self harm et cetera,
But a few lines on a screen are only skin deep.

Laying in bed waiting for tomorrow,
Terrified for tomorrow might not come,
For you might end it tonight when your mind is in twists,
When all is empty and glum.

You ask me how I am,
My answer's always the same,
"Really I'm fine" I say,
Yet I hide my wall of shame.

The shame that comes from your friend,
The one you have no idea about,
The one I might desire to be with,
But in our relationship, there's no way out.

It's because you'd make me feel guilty,
The things you do for me leaves me in lust,
It's hard for me to tell you how I'm feeling,
So it's with you I stay, I must.

My feelings are complicated,
I hold them for him and for you,
It's hard to choose because none of you I love,
Yet it leaves me being blue.

Our relationship isn't going anywhere,
Our lips have never touched,
You seem to hold back, as if I didn't deserve your love,
But our minds are always clutched.