You never appreciated such

until he touched you and told you that if you were in a room full of people, you would be too delicate to take pictures of. He rubbed your arms like you were an oil painting. He kissed your cheeked and it felt like a brush swiping a canvas. But you forgot that you were the painting hanging on the wall. You took pictures of him every chance you got, and he never returned. You looked at him like he wasn't for sale. You saw him as priceless, something hanging in France. You lost your worth. The museum closed on you and the only thing you could feel was black splattering through your life. But you're still a prize, he left but you're still worth more than a few sweet words. You lost yourself in white paint and now you feel like a grey blotch. The lights are off and you're still hanging in the Louvre. The museum may close and the people may leave, but a masterpiece is a masterpiece even when nobody's looking. Hes a sketch, an idea, a rough draft. You, you are a work of art.

Your eyes are not as blue as his
Overcast versus July seaside
But your heart is 18k while he is plated
Cheap doesn't last as long
You both tarnish at the sight of me
Kiss my forehead after the other wipes away the hair covering it
Rest your hand on the back of my neck after the other lightly chokes
We find fun within delicacy
Teeth marks on my back
Thorns in my *******
Roses on the bed
Love in the air
But you are the same color as the streets
I've always loved the sun
Yet something is so wonderful about finding happiness in your dreariness
I'm sorry if I choose summer over spring
I am naive
Barely a woman
So I cant withhold anymore drenching
I promise I will love your rain when it pours

I was young
juvenile
roaming at hours
unacceptable for a six year old
barefoot
writing stories in a sandbox
stories I aspired people would read
and find me
to help
but I didn't know how to write

3 years later
I still ambled out at night
nobody to tell me not to
I had no room
I had shoes
green converse
2 sizes too large
I purchased for a dollar
at a garage sale
by myself
I called it curb side shopping
we had nothing
I was happy
it comes back to me now
how I grew up
my life took a 180
but I am still the young girl
who used to cry for help through illiterate sand box letters
and would wander barefoot at midnight
and skip myself to school
hours later
calculator was my favorite toy
I taught myself to swim
to ride a bike
to write
I now know how to handle myself
when im lost
I take my shoes off and wander
to know me all wrong
is how people treat me
I once had nothing
and that keeps me grounded today
when im knee deep in reminiscing thoughts

by myself
yet I still cant handle to be alone
a childhood in Dallas
with nobody by my side
***** me over
for now I cant be alone for more than an hour
or I will fall into the past and stay there for days
before I can come back to the surface
childhood is a burning acid on my skin
or is it Goosebumps
it comes and goes
but it will leave a mark
a scar
childhood

Standing right next to the speaker
I can feel the bass in my chest
the drink in my hand
is becoming less
but I'm feeling more

you sent a text
you'll pick me up in 30

dressed in all black
supreme baseball cap
wrapped my hands around your waist
helmet covering my face
the nights still young
it could take us anywhere
but at this point
who really cares?

Dear Scorpion,
you can trust me
I can trust you
love is enough
don't tell me that's false
I can see right through
your built up walls
but
break them down
put your stinger down
**** the venom out  
from your last bite
treat me like I'm your last try

Doing 40 trying to get me home
so I can get dolled up
meet you at the club
stare at each other from all your spots
then its time to get Cinderella home
the clocks hit 13:30
start the engine
grab some sexies
go home to chill
smoke some more sheesh
ill lay my head
on the latin
next to the chip you got
from your father
look at each other
face to face
im trying not to think about
how soon ill be replaced
one more month until im out of here
ill be sky high flying hoping youll follow me

Dear Scorpion,
I'm afraid too
I know we can't see the sky in this city
but thank God your eyes are blue
I could inhale the way you roll your "R's"
before I exhale in your native language
I'm running with the wolves on this one
but you and I
we are something so dangerous
we could keep gardens alive with our laughter
and host dinners with our jokes
and cook meals with our kisses
I think Im trying to say
we are perfect for each other
but i'm not that predictable
and please don't say that you aren't either
because I can already imagine
what your next one looks like


back seat of a taxi
eyes blood shot
got no sleep
5 am
your left hand
on my right knee
in a hurry to catch a flight
but in no rush
to say goodbye
I hope I see you in another life
even though we will be
under the same moon
may we meet again
I pray that I see you soon

How can you feel like home
When you're foreign to me

17:22

Its 1 am and I have tears streaming down my face because I thought of our legs intertwined. It doesn't feel like home but like a past life or a future life or a dream. Its surreal. I told you that you would haunt me. The loss of you is a monster under my bed and I'm too afraid to open my closet doors to find that you've forgotten about me so soon.

1:13 am

I keep comparing people to you. I can't find someone else. Everybody has too much baggage but you're a suitcase I could live out of forever.

2:09 am

trust
reliance
shoved down my throat
while I gag
eyes are tearing up
each water droplet filled
with lies I found out months later
smells like onions
makes me sick
and I cant breathe
I spit it back up
tastes like cow tongue
makes its way up to my head
pandering on the meaning
on its depth
as it kills my brain cells
I cant stand it
it doesn't make sense
a contradiction of actions versus words
calumny
I took medication to redress the monster from
my mind
its floating in my cheeks
I am not flustered
don't be fooled
more like filled with animosity
of a fictional belief that we all should lay bare
I refuse to swallow what is held inside me
what you forced me to postulate
I wont let it sink into my heart
I spit it out
while we kiss
its now with you
and I've never been so illustrious to do something
such sweet revenge
I hope you choke on it

a great quantity of money
goes to education
but what about being  brainwashed
we indirectly pay for it
we are blind to the world
a fine line between facts and opinions
and putting two and two together
it takes 1 line in our life
a goodbye kiss
a death
someone's last sentence
to learn everything we need to
so much money
to think how someone else thinks

unoriginality

we save up for

my grades are bad
but little do they know Im bored

I hate education
spending money and a large percentage
of our lives
to turn our organic minds
into a one way street
that everybody is parked on

Your breath on my neck isn't intended to make me warmer, you want to make my spine tingle with questions, you want me in your bed tonight. The air is getting colder as the sun oozes out of our sight. Your eyes get a darker green when you're determined. My blood plumps, you can hear it, your eardrum blasts my heartbeat in its cave. Your eyelids slump and unfold again slowly. I'm panicking. Your skin is white and my thoughts are black and I cant seem to grasp your morals but you have me in the palm of your hand, and I am the lady bug trying to creep out of the crevices.
the distance between us, a commodious of wants and needs and hopes, possibly dreams. You have bad intentions, as do I, but we are so lovely, alluring in a combination

I still keep up with you. I think about you all the time and feel embarrassed the more I write these. Like a broken record I guess. You're doing fine with your job and you're moving in life. Im happy that you're happy. I Hope you're okay because maybe you hide any pain like I hide behind this folder of notes. I don't know why I chose the eight ball emoji for the title. Maybe a subconscious fear of never knowing when you're going to leave. or when you'll stop calling. I still feel like your girl and I feel stupid because you're looking for another one and I write words into my phone at 2 am that I know you would be fine listening to.. but what kind of woman would I be if I let you know that no matter how many times you choose me as lost option, ill always be here in the middle of the night saving you some blanket.

About 2.5 months now

I'm saving up to see you
I bought summer clothes
maybe you'll see me in my yellow dress
I think you'll like it

Its after midnight and I've been trying to fall asleep since 21
My mind wandered to you
I laughed at myself for a while

You're going to make me run out of tears
because you're not here to dry them

00:08

Day 1

Its been 15 days without you
We haven't talked in 3
I'm still vulnerable and I don't think it will subside soon
Usually I have them well out of my system by now
But I'm afraid you're the fluid and not the needle itself
I'm willing to hit rock bottom if you're a sunken anchor
Everybody fooled me
You didn't try to

15:31

Its been nearly a month without you
We still talk everyday
You're back in Romania now
as far as I know, you're staying there
Its midnight here.
I started crying because I heard your voice
"keep smiling babe."
It still hurts
Its still a fresh cut
I wish you could see me in my yellow dress
I wish you could take it off
I wish I could hear that laugh echo through your apartment
All these wishes and I don't know how to act upon them
What if we see the same shooting star a second apart?
Life is difficult
I wish I told you how I felt
How I feel
Maybe you would feel the same
Maybe you would tell me it'll never work and I can finally move on
I have a fear and thats it
Soon ill occupy myself with someone who is half the person you are
I need a distraction but I also need you
So at night ill drop my tears
But during the day, I promise you, babe
Im still smiling

Coffee tastes bitterer when you're not in bed next to me

I never really understood
why anybody would want to hurt
themselves
it confused me
I thought it was contradicting
because nobody liked pain

until the days got longer and I started crying into my pillow
changed the cases so my mom wouldn't see
all of the mascara stains

then when I started crying the middle of class
because of anger
its socially unacceptable to throw tantrums
or cuss someone out in the middle of the hall
or punch a wall

so you have to keep it in
and stay silent

then the breakdown in the middle of the night
nobody to talk to
they all call my suicidal thoughts tomfoolery
and attention seeking
because its so often I have these nights
so I stopped relying on imaginary hearts
and silently
crying wasn't enough
to fill my 3 am emptiness
nobody could hear I was unstable

no screaming
no burning old pictures
no breaking plates
just silence
so the quietest option was a blade

and yet the scars remain to show weakness and instability
but at least they can be covered
and nobody's is being awaken in the mid night

that's all they care about
not how you feel but how you look

and that's how I figured out
why anybody would hurt themselves

You looked extra pale that night
I think thats when I fell in love with you
You made me feel like I wasn't the only one dying

it seems as though
when surrounded by smoke
of different illicit substances
that numb the minds of sad mortals
I tend to sit silently
feet stomping by
hands being held as different couples
one by one
pass by to visit the sanctuary of
a lonely bedroom
table for two
the breath I let out smells
smells that belong to broken promises
I made when I was young
no difference between the heater
above my head
and the door inviting in spirits
who were too cold to last outside
they both bring chills
they both bring memories
of the different places I have been
sitting on a staircase
the green carpet
upset from ashes flicked
into its skin
kinda like that one time
u burned me so hard with the fire
I saw inside of you
the fire I thought was a flame of light
and not a flame of hell
it burned through my flesh
and the scars
don't look like the burns that usually appear
deeper
smaller
can open just to close
to open up again
but here I am with those
just as ****** up as I am
hoping these brain cells will do all of the talking
but no
instead it takes me back to the same staircase
where I sit after taking too many drinks
and I wait for you to answer the phone

I hope every time I scratch his back
And whisper in his ear
You feel it
I hope it makes you feel sick to
Your stomach
And I want you to dance with her
To our song
At your first concert together

Her finger nail marks
And purple love wounds
Will have my DNA all over you
It's gonna be me punching you in the gut
When she doesn't return your texts
Or calls anymore

I'll knock the air out of you when you can't accomplish something
I'm the slamming doors and broken pencils
All around you

Every pill you take for the next
10 years
Will have my initials on it

My insanity
Will make you puke your brains out
And you can call me crazy
But insanity is beautiful
And you're gonna get bored
Without me

The ugliness of normality
Will wrap around your face
And try to stick it's fist in your mouth

You'll gag until you say my name in vein

The dots in every punctuation mark
At the end of every sentence
You'll ever mutter
Will be one of my blinks
From waking up in the middle of the night
To find you with someone else
Asleep

My therapist will get all of the gifts I gave you
And they will hoard the memories
So I don't have to anymore

I've been doing well, only a couple stitches.
But how do u heal a scar that can't be seen
You're the thread and I'm the wound
But we are both the blood

You'll wake up to me screaming in your dreams
To find rose petals all over ur bed
Thorns in ur ankles

Sorry you had to speak at my funeral

not everyone makes the team

losers don’t get trophies too

its not about the happy ending its about the story

you cant “trust everyone until they give u a reason not to”

im not as smart as u made me think I was, it hit me hard when applying for college and dating boys

if something doesn’t come back, it wasn’t urs in the first place, but u never told me that they could come back for the wrong reason

drunken words arnt always sober thoughts, but drunken cravings

not everyone who says they love me means it

people can look into ur eyes and still be lying, and they make it look easy

I cant change the world, the world changed me and now we are just struggling together

bad grades doesn’t mean no intelligence

the sun always comes back up, yeah, but I don’t know that if Im too busy crying under my covers for 4 days straight

my coat will keep me warm from the cold weather but why didn’t u tell me what keeps my cold fear of losing people stop shivering?

I cant be whatever I want to be

the man I marry wont always treat me like a princess, but he might to the woman he leaves in the middle of the night for

dancing doesn't make everything better, it just makes u realize u had a partner to dance with

***** is a coping skill

drugs arnt the only thing that makes me hallucinate, deep green eyes do too

the news doesn't actually exaggerate

some scars never heal

the girl who claimed she never believed in love died, of heartbreak