Where are you
And why haven’t I seen you in weeks?
Where are you
And your toxic nature?
I miss you sinking into my skin.
Its a seemingly impossible proportion
I’ve taken upon myself
And the stars aren’t aligned for me
So tell me why I do the things I do
When you’re around.
This is what happens
When I think about you
This is what happens
When the waves are at high tide
And full force
Ready to submerge anything in their path.
Because all I do is crumble
Because the thoughts of you are so
Intrusive.
You’ve nestled between my skin
You’ve dug yourself a path
In what I thought
Was the utmost private of
All the passageways of my being.
I’ve never told you that I was scared.
I’ve never told you how I’m wrecked.
I’ve never told you I’m in shambles
Over someone who isn’t broken over me
I’m terrified of what ill do
Once you’re gone.
But maybe I’ll be free
Maybe I’ll thrive.
I was young
But this love has made me age
Beyond my years.
And I don’t know
If I’ll ever get back to a place
Where I learn to love myself.
Everything you’ve said
Will stay with me forever.
Never forget what you’ve done
And how conflicted you’ve left me
With myself.
My heart was never meant for this. 
I don’t like this.
But this is all I’ve ever known
And I can’t make new memories
With a life I don’t know how to live.
So, tell me.
Where are you?
Where am I?
When I’m lost inside my own mind.

In a world where you’re just trying to survive.
In a world where your voice has no meaning.
In a world where each being you pursue is a placeholder for every dream you’ve ever imagined of living.
The easiest part is hurting and walking away from every voice in my head like nothing I want means anything.
If I give myself no chances of survival where will I be when i’m elbow deep in the trenches of a mans soul?
Where will I be when i’m sulking and buried in regret from doing everything I ever said I wouldn’t?
It means nothing when the relapses come more often and the promises start breaking and my focus shifts to all the dangerous things I long for so desperately.
My biggest fear isn’t dying my biggest fear is exiting this life knowing i’ve let myself down, and i’m sure i’ll do just that.
I’m sure everything i’ve ever told you will become a memory of the times you thought I was crazy, the times you’d wish you’d never met me.
A memory of the times we sat face to face and spit nothing but hate in each other’s faces.
A memory of when you thought you made me happy.
And that’s just it.
You thought you made me happy and I thought you gave me the world.
I thought I was good to you, and to myself.
I was loyal to nothing but the drugs and it became impossible to form any sort of connection with someone so pure.
But I beg to differ.
You’re hard to love, and I’m hard to handle.
But what does it mean when the holes in your chest become craters and the lost feeling you carry with you turns into hatred towards your own self regret?
When nothing is easy, when nothing is beautiful, run.
Run fast and run hard.
Strip yourself of the pain, and watch yourself sink slowly.
This fixation on love fuels the fire and the need to be wanted gives false hope.
But will I ever stop doing this to myself?
The answer is no. Because I thrive off of being upset and making a home in hell. And that’s just something i choose to live with.