Why am i still here?
on this planet?
in this world?
Why am i still spinning with all the others?
wHY CAN’t I ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING?
why cant i be good?
why can’t i be…
perfect,
beautiful,
unique,
funny,
awesome,
fantastic,
smART,­?
WHY AM I..
STUPID,
IMPERFECT,
UGLY,
FAT,
BORING,
ALONE,
SUICIDAL,
DEPRES­SED,
BIPOLAR,
ANXIOUS,?
WHY AM I…
DIFFERENT?
WHY HAVEN'T I DIED YET?
I WANT TOO.
ALOT.
LIKE REALLY BADLY.
I KNOW..
IM FUCKIMNG CRAZY,
A LITTLE ON THE ****** SIDE.
MAYBE A TAD BIT OF A WACK JOB.
CRAZY OR INSANE IS FINE BY ME.
I GUESS.
I HAVE SO MANY LABELS.
CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT.
THEY DO IT.
HE DOES IT.
SHE DOES IT.
I DO IT.
EVEN MY OWN ******* MOM DOES IT.
WHY NOT YOU.
BE SMART.
LABEL ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME..
BUT..
EVENTUALLY YOU'LL RUN AWAY TOO.
HE DID IT.
SHE DID IT.
THEY DID IT.
I DO IT.
MY MOM DOES IT.
MY LOVE DID IT.
EVERYONE DOES IT.
SO, WHY NOT YOU.
WELL, IT WILL BE A MATTER OF TIME..
BEFORE YOU GO RUNNING AWAY FROM ME.

she grew up saying.
One day mommy i’ll be famous.
one day mommy i’ll be a princess.
but,she didn't know what was coming for her ..the world
her soft brown eyes looking into that mirror for the first day of junior high..she thought oh how wonderful i look and how much she'll be liked.
her big bright heart didn't know it would be crushed in a matter of time.


she had a crush..she loved him with all her wonderful little girl heart.
she said she loved him
he said that he loved her too.
she believed him not knowing what was coming next.
his scrawny little fingers grip around her warm heart and crush it,
she looked him in the eye and said
“i thought you loved me”
he crushed her heart with one hand.
she didn't realize the world is a dangerous evil place.
so soon she became just like it
her heart wasn't so warm anymore instead cold as ice..
her soft brown eyes don't look so soft anymore there hard as a rock staring at you like she could snap your neck right off.
she said she loved him
he said it too
he believed her not knowing what was coming next
her scrawny knuckles grip around his neck
he looked her in the eye before she could break his neck and said “i thought you loved me”

YOU WERE MY EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING I NEEDED.
EVERYTHING I WANTED.
EVERYTHING I EVER DREAMED OF.
BUT, I WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO FALL INTO YOUR LITTLE TRAP.
I TOLD YOU ALL MY SECRETS.
YOU PLAYED IT OFF LIKE YOU LOVED ME.
LIKE YOU CARED ABOUT ME.
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER BREAK ME.
YOU SAID YOU'D ALWAYS BE THERE.
I DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU AT FIRST.
BUT, THEN YOU SOUNDED TRUTHFUL.
SO I TOOK A STEP FURTHER AND TRUSTED YOU.
YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME.
YOU KISSED ME LIKE YOU MEANT IT TOO,
YOUR LIPS TASTED OF SWEET SALT.
YOUR WARM ARMS AROUND ME FELT REAL.
SOME HOW.
I TOOK A STEP FARTHER NORTH AND GAVE YOU A PIECE OF MY LOVE.
YOU INSISTED THAT I COULD TRUST YOU.
YOU CALLED ME YOUR LOVE.
I FOOLED MYSELF INTO BELIEVING THAT YOU MEANT IT.
I TOOK A STEP FURTHER EAST AND LET YOU EXPLORE THE FRACTURED ME.
YOU SAID YOU LIKED WHAT YOU SAW.
YOU SAID YOU LOVED EVERY DAMAGED PART OF ME.
YOU CALLED ME PERFECT.
YOU CALLED ME BABY.
I BELIEVED THAT YOU LOVED ME NOW.
SO I WENT SOUTH.
I GOT THERE AND YOU EXPLORED ME FURTHER MORE.
YOU KISSED ME MORE DESPERATELY THIS TIME..
ASKING FOR MORE,
AND MORE.
YOU FOOLED ME TWICE I GAVE YOU MY ALL.
YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME AND MY BODY.
I WENT A LITTLE EAST MAYBE A TIPPY TOE OR TWO.
I LET YOU TAKE ME.
AND YOU PROVED I COULD TRUST YOU.
I DID.
YOU FOOLED ME A THOUSAND MORE TIMES.
UNTIL YOU WERE DONE WITH ME.
THROWING ME AWAY LIKE ALL THE OTHERS THEY SAY.
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.
YOU PROMISED TO HELP ME.
YOU PROMISED TO FIX ME.
YOU PROMISED TO NEVER EVER LEAVE ME.
YOU PROMISED THAT YOU LOVED ME AND ALWAYS WOULD.
WHAT YOU DID WAS JUST MAKE MY GUARD HARDER TO PUT DOWN FOR THE NEXT GUY THAT COMES ALONG WANTING MY TRUST,
RESPECT AND LOVE.
I BELIEVE THAT YOU AREN'T A REAL MAN.
YOURE A COWARD.
YOU MESS WITH PEOPLES FEELINGS.
YOURE A TOOL.
YOURE JUST A DECORATION.
A VERY GOOD LOOKING DISPLAY.
YOU TAKE PEOPLES LOVE AND THROW IT AWAY.
YOURE NOT A REAL MAN.
YOU ARE A FAKE.
A PLAYER.
AND NOTHING MORE.
I WILL NEVER FALL FOR YOUR GAMES AGAIN.
TO THIS DAY I STILL LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE THE TYPICAL BOY WHO JUST CATCHES A GIRLS EYE WHEN YOU WALK BY.
BUT, YOU ARE FOR DISPLAY.
A DECORATION.
NO MORE.
YOU CAN LOVE A DECORATION.
OR A DISPLAY.
BUT,
DISPLAYS AND DECORATIONS CAN ONLY BE USED FOR ONE THING.
THEY CAN NOT LOVE.
THEY PRETEND.
THEY'RE FAKE.
I LOVE YOU YOU'RE MY DISPLAY THAT I WILL CONTINUE TO SHOW.
I WILL NEVER LET YOU GRAB HOLD OF MY HEART AGAIN.
I WILL NEVER LET YOU TAKE ALL MY LOVE AGAIN.
I WILL NEVER LET YOU THROW ME AWAY AGAIN.
I WILL NEVER FALL FOR YOUR TRICKS AGAIN.
I KNOW YOUR GAME,
YOUR RULES.
HOW YOU PLAY.
AND FOR THE OTHER GIRLS YOU COME UPON
I HOPE THEY BREAK YOU IN HALF TO WHERE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO PLAY YOUR STUPID LITTLE GAMES.
I HOPE SHE TAKES YOUR HEART NOT ONLY BREAKS IT BUT CUTS IT IN HALF THEN STOMPS ON IT LIKE YOU DID TO MINE.
I HOPE YOU CRY ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU LOST HER.
I HOPE YOU BREAK.
I HOPE YOU FALL AS FAR AS YOU CAN DROP.
AND WHEN YOU GET TO YOUR ROCK BOTTOM I HOPE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM.
I HOPE YOU WILL DIE IN YOUR OWN GUILT AND SHAME.
I WISH THAT YOU WILL DROWN IN YOUR OWN MISERY.
I WANT YOU TO SEE HOW BADLY YOU'VE HURT ALL OF THE GIRLS YOU'VE DONE OR BEFORE,
INCLUDING ME.

i thought the sun was bright.
you well your brighter.
you fill up the room with your talent.
you fill my mind with curiosity.
your talent you have many..
but the one that stands out is the one that attracted me..
your attractiveness
it caught my eye
your eyes they glow
at me.
you are dangerous,
to me.
i trust you to not break me..
i dont know if thats good or bad but you've proved to be capable of loving me.
youre not easy to read like all the others.
your personality fire and ice.
cold but warm at the same time.
youre loving but can be intimidating at times.
my heart melts when you say you love me.
its hard to believe.
someone so perfect as you..
is capable of loving someone so fractured
broken…
and torn as me.
you said you'd show me how it could be.
how love is suppose to be.
i'm hesitating on handing over my heart once again.
trusting someone with my already shattered bits of what's left.
trusting that you'll cradle it,
love it with all you've got
but, how do i possibly know that you'll protect it…
and love it..
or will you break it.
theres so many downfalls that this could go towards or it could go pleasantly but love never ends that way.
it's always heartache towards the end..
when you've done all you can possibly do with that one person then you move on and repeat it if not faster and it turns into a vicious cycle never ending until your body gives up and shuts down.
cold as a stone they say hearts are clold they are fake warm on the outside luring you to there coldness.so they can break you and tear you apart..
feed on your insides until you're all drained out then they leave you with nothing left.
love.
its a pleasurable monster that you can't get enough of.
love the drug.
that you'll trick yourself to enjoy.
love its painful..
but pleasurable.
screws with your mind.
a drug.
it feds off you until you finally die.
love its not possibly a waste of time it just makes time faster and soon you'll be drained and it will leave you to die.
love i've experienced it,
first time it was amazing..
great perhaps.
now i'm almost drained no more ink left but a pinch..
for you my dear.
don't waste it..
soon ill die.
love it's just a dream.
a nightmare perhaps.

I GO TO SLEEP AT EASE WHEN I THINK OF YOU HOLDING ME.
I GO TO SLEEP KNOWING THAT YOU SLEEP UNDER THE SAME SKY AS ME..
I THINK OF YOU CONSTANTLY.
I NORMALLY DON'T FALL TOO EASY.
BUT, YOU YOU'RE SPECIAL SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
YOUVE CHANGED ME.
YOUVE CHANGED MY THOUGHTS.
THE WAY I THINK,
THE WAY I LOOK AT THINGS.
IS THAT GOOD?
OR IS THAT BAD?
I MIGHT BE FALLING A LITTLE TO HARD.
AND MAYBE YOU'LL STAY AT THE BOTTOM AND WAIT TO CATCH ME WHEN I COME TUMBLING DOWN.
OR YOU MIGHT JUST STEP OUT OF THE WAY AND WATCH ME FALL TO ANOTHER HEARTBREAK…
SHOULD I TRUST YOU?
MAYBE.
MAYBE NOT.
YOU SAY YES.
I DONT KNOW THOUGH.
WHAT DO I DO?
WAIT TO SEE?
OR DO I JUST LEAVE?
NO I CAN'T LEAVE YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME.
WELL,
WE’LL SEE IF YOU LOVE ME SOONER OR LATER.
WHEN I COME DROPPING FROM THE HIGH.
WE'LL BOTH SEE IF YOU'LL CATCH ME OR LET ME FALL
PLUMMET TO MY HEARTBREAK.
I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU'LL CATCH ME.
THATS WHAT THEY ALL SAY
SEE LOVE IS A MYSTERY EVERY TIME SO WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THEY LOVE YOU DONT BE SURE INVESTIGATE FIRST.
I LOVE YOU.
BUT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO CATCH ME.

you’re perfect.
you’re beautiful.
you’re gorgeous making my eyes melt in your presence.
you’re amazing..
you’re gorgeous did i already mention that..
i just want you to know i love you.
can i have you?
can i have your beauty to hold?
can i have your innocence?
can i have your perfection?
can i have you?
let me in..i’ll make you see what love is..
show how it can be..
show you what it’s meant to be.
let me in..
so you can see
that i love you.
let me have you..please
can i have you?
will you take me as i am?
will you love me too?
please.
let me have you!

the shadows that darken my mind..
scare me they want to destroy me.
the shadows that dim my bedroom full of death..
they try and **** me.
im scared.
theres no one to save me.
no one who cares enough.
i wish someone would care enough..
to come and carry me away..
to save me.
i wish someone was there to call me beautiful.
because i’m not strong enough to believe that..
im not enough for this world.
im not enough for anybody..
in this world.
i wish i was enough..
i wish that someone thought i was enough..
i wish i had someone to say that they loved me.
to hold me.