i walked in the rain
a hoodie biked by me
he smelt like you.

it made me wonder
of all the moments
i never witnessed
you getting ready
for our first date
trying on different outfits
rehearsing lines
nervous fingers
trembling hands
i wonder how many
times you tried so
hard to find a way
to my heart and now
that i'm looking
around me i realize
just how special you
were because you always
made an effort and tried
your best and your best
was the best.

these boys they don't
understand what it
means to commit to a woman
to treat her right
to be the kind of guy
to whom they'd want to be a wife
these boys they're just boys
with no hint of being a man
and i don't know if i can ever
settle for them after
everything we've been through.

castles to castles.
gold to gold.
with you, i had wanted
to grow old.

i wish i had caught a glimpse
of everything you had invested
and all the effort you made
to put a smile on my face.

ashes to ashes
dust to dust.
i'm all alone now
and i really miss us.

it seems like such a haze
my past has been set ablaze
i went on my very first date
in three years and the whole
time i was wondering back
to what it felt like when it was
me and you
everything's different this time
and i don't know where i am
floating in between hellos
and goodbyes i feel like
i'm caught in between love
and loss
its getting hard to get by
and i don't know if i really want
to try
with someone new and he's here
telling me about his daddy issues
and i'm thinking about
how you never dealt with yours

this doesn't feel good
goodnight.

1am
you knock at my door
i open it, standing there
in my oversized tshirt
and my hair done in braids
i let you in
you have a new speaker
you're so excited
you apologize
because your retainer
is still in your mouth
and your hair looks
like you haven't brushed it
and i don't know
how to tell you that
you are the most beautiful
person i have ever seen
you ask me for music
preference but i say
whatever you want
because you are my
melody and i could
dance to you all
night long
you climb on my
roommate's bed and
sit there because
she's out of town
and i get in bed
we sit in silence
you with your retainer
and me with my glasses
we're listening to
indie music and laughing
saying maybe today
the world isn't so ******
and this bass is just
so **** perfect
and we're not lovers
we're just friends
and that is so much
better than anything
i could ask for
you ask me how we
are so perfect
together and i
tell you that it is
because your presence
feels so much like
home to me
it gets later in the night
and you're falling asleep
we talk about your dreams
you want to return to
cape town and become
someone dedicated to
service and love
and i don't know
how to tell you that
you are so perfect
to me and i love the way
you hold yourself and
always strive to be someone
better, stronger, greater
we're listening to songs
in languages i don't speak
but gosh
your eyes light up when we
speak of the fields and
the ceremonies
you feel like you belong there
and i feel like i would
like to be somewhere near you
so that after you're done
saving the world for the day
you can come lie
next to me and we can
listen to indie songs
until we fall asleep.

he's getting married
and she's pregnant

i'm lying in my own
***** and blood

i guess when it happens, it happens
i guess when it doesn't, it doesn't

jaan ** yaar tum meri
i was on the floor
brushing away the
broken pieces and remains
of who i was and the
future i had
and you were there
covered in all the words
i wish i'd never said
out of which perhaps
the one that burnt the
most was
i love you
people in love don't
hurt each other like
this and i shouldn't
have loved you if
it meant hurting you
and after every fight
every broken bone
you held me and whispered
jaan ** tum meri*
you are my life
and like waves crashing
at the shoreline
i felt like
you had touched me in
a way that changed
me forever