Okay now let's talk about the happy things
getting a job
Driving a car
Having everything baby needs
In the moment yes we are doing fine
Building a great future takes some time
Going back to school
New shoes
Good food
New country music
The fresh air
A shower every night and morning
The netflix options when things get boring

I get so ******* mad at you but when I'm lying down next to you it feels better than being alone and cold and when you hold me and look at me with bright eyes I feel hopeful and I forget the bad

Backflips on my mind
The summer is gone I'm off my grind
What have I done these past 6 months besides complain and whine
There was nothing I did to help the kid there was nothing I did to become stronger
I just stayed sober until the year was over and started to actually feel this boulder
I've been carrying it on my back I've been feeling so insane I've been making moves and spending time trying to control everything

Nothing excites me
I go about the world unfocused
I go around hugging strangers because I need it more than them
Drugs are so harsh on the skin

We're both scared
Nothing is original no more
All we do is fear
No one is for real no more

I have never felt like a failure until now
I am a whole mother. Not a child.
It hurts and I am trying my hardest to stop this pain. But everything needs me and I need to stop this pain.
I will forever be confused at the choices that I make.
It is not my fault. In fact a fault is not what to call it.
This is a cycle
There is no support
Who traded our family for money?
The american dream was more important and now I go to bed with no support

I do forgive you and myself as well
I also feel dumb
Not as much as I feel numb though
Everything seems to be going in reverse
One day I may go crazy
After seeing what happens with people in the same situation I no longer want to leave any spaces in my mind vacant
I can attract the wrong tenants
I could attract a bad ending
No vacancy

Everything is okay
It is okay to be okay
Just breathe and let it stay
Because for once, everything is okay

The world suddenly went quiet
In all the best ways
You showed me that love was never there
I learned that the feelings I had with you were opressed for over 10 years
Now I've come back with great vingence and you hate this version of me
You can't stand that I have a voice
You can't accept that I love myself now and how smart I am now
You and everything you're made of just settled in me and I can't unsee it. You were never good
I only believed it

All that I have left are these flashing sad memories
I think of you at your best and then you start to think of me
We were cool and we had it good until you started to leave
Then everything turned to **** baby how could this be
I need to live and start my life I need your help I need my guy
But you went and left you have gone away
I need you the most and you're not here to stay
What can I say what can I do when all I want is to be with you

When I met you it was different
The next day you had me in the kitchen
You kissed me and you loved me
The next day you didn't want me
The next week I found you on the floor where we cooked and played Love Galore by SZA but the picture is bigger I never knew what you were into until I saw you on the floor

Out of touch with reality
How to snap back?
I don't know how you see
Everything is haunting me
Not only the past but what lies ahead of me
It is not bright it is dark it is sticky

All the parties all the drinks
It was not worth anything
I found you, you found me
It seems that we are meant to be
You love me
I love you
Death will let us know when we're through
That's the only thing though
Not these parties not these cheap hoes
We will last I'm sure of that
And if we don't, I'm sure you'll be back

To become more grounded
To become better
To become greater
To become amazing
More than what I already am
Meeting a much greater person than myself
Someone who has what I lack
Someone who is not breathing down my back
Thinking of the future
Making the future
Not being trapped
Not being dumb
Not giving into anyone

I did not believe in love
I do not
I have many thoughts
I am not me lately
I want to be someone else
Anyone but me
This pain aches every day
I won't let myself pass away
I miss you sister and I need you
You taught me more about womanhood than any other and now
I need you more than ever
Please
I would say please come back but
I do not want that to happen
I know you are more safe than you have ever been
Perhaps you ended up in heaven
I can only hope for the best for you
You were my sister and my best friend too
I love you lots and I need you so much
I need you so much

He's fake
He wants this
He walks around pretending that this doesn't matter
Pretending that he can do better

Why do you choose to pretend to care about someone?
Why do you acknowledge them?
When all you do is talk behind their back
When all you do is throw shade
When all you do is try and bully them
When all you are is cruel to them
Why do you pretend to care

I know that ***** better than I know that mind
I know your mind is probably amazing in so many ways
I bet there is adventure for days
I know you have to have something lovely up in there
I know that ***** drips when I speak to it
When I speak in tongues when I stick in my thumb
I don't know your mind
I do know your ***** is ******* fine

I have all day
God has given me the best kind of life
I am going to chase my dream
I am chasing my dream
I will do what I can to get where I want
To get where I need

did I really give up on this??

Honestly not giving a ****
Always singing or dancing
Always laughing
Struggling and asking for help
No one lent a hand
I am sorry that this was your reality
You deserved so much
You went through too much much for this to be the end
I am hoping to reunite with you
I am hoping to reunite with you

Look at this mixed ***** speaking Spanish
She's a rich ***** you see the karats
She's on her **** ***** and she ain't sharing
You gonna get hit ***** if you keep staring

Yes I am old enough to understand what happened
But do I want to accept what has happened
I remember I couldn't grasp it
Now that I remember it, it doesn't make sense
I understand but my brain chooses to scatter it
It's not fair
Things have changed
Things have changed
Things have changed
Now we are sitting here trying to make sense of all the issues
The issues that have been poured onto me
The issues that have made me me
I don't get it but I got it
I will keep going even though it's a mess
I will keep going
I do not want to accept what needs to be accepted but here we are

I am fully aware that I need to let out my energy into the arts that I create
I am a woman of many talents and it's starting to eat me alive
I can not survive
if I continue to deprive
my body of what it longs for the most
and that is love and art
My baby's father
He is the one who made things harder
I still love him and I know he loves me but together would do us no good like salt and tea

Merry Christmas
Today life taught me that life is really what you make it!
If you maintain a positive attitude then you will live a positive life
Lying to yourself is not an exception
Giving is very important
Try not to take so much
Use your manners
Eat to make yourself full this holiday season
Do not hold back

Because when you're serious things seem to go well
Because when you're serious everything just falls into place
Being serious seems to prevent all issues but making things better is what it doesn't do
It's good to do something crazy every once in a while
It's great to be the reason that your lover smiles

I won't ever let you treat me this was again
I can never even claim you as a friend
Ever
You have made a mistake and I told you this isn't easy to fake
Everything that you do makes me think
Maybe I am not the crazy one
Maybe you drove me crazy for fun
It's something you think about on a daily
Something you do to shame me

I love you to the moon and back let's stay up at the moon in fact
We'll make a little room, we'll shack
He'll try to make a move, my man
But we will get there soon my friend
He tends to keep his eyes on me though we have the whole galaxy
Makes me feel so special even though we've got more to see
He wants to be with me
To share his life with me

She has sixteen cents and a bottle of coke.
Walking home from Grandma’s in boots and shorts
Her hat hangs low and her mouth is cold
She has sixteen cents and a bottle of coke.
The wind screams loud and the summer gets cold
Her days are young but they seem so old
She has sixteen cents and a bottle of coke.
She walks up to the trees whose leaves are orange and red
Her eyes get black.
She has found a place to lay her head.
She had sixteen cents and a bottle of coke.

I am not in the mood to write but I think that's okay
I'm not in the mood to write at least not today
It's better to lay down and dream up unreal things
It's better to chill and forget everything
That doesn't pay the bills though
That doesn't keep you fed
If you can't pay your rent then you won't have a bed
I'd rather go to sleep than to work on anything
I must be sick

I wasn't there and you withered away
I wish that I could have understood how much you needed me
Before it was too late
It would be nice to see you again and hold your hands and sit on your lap
It would be nice just to see you smile
It would be nice to see you dance again
Like you did when we were kids
You always kept a smile on your face through the toughest times
You always brought joy to the people around you.
I love you, Sister,

You left me
I need you
I felt like I wasn't enough for you
You showed me that I was everything and you adored me
How hard was it to be left alone
How hard was it to leave this earth alone
I wanted to be there and at least hold your hand
Maybe sit with you
Pray by you
To feel your warmth one more time
To feel you take in your last breath
How could this world be so cruel to you
Your heart filled every room with sun
Your soul still speaks
You are still my everything

Pushed myself in the small dark hole
Only to feel safe
No sound
No light
So comfortable
I take cover

You have a lot of work to be done and I could help you if you'd let me
You won't though cause ***** jeans and stained hoodies is all you know
You filter it in black and white just to look decent on Instagram
We all know that it's fake but you still post that half smile anyway

I needed an outlet
So I sit to write
Will I educate myself on these poem lines?
The veins in my hands are more aggressive than ever
These headaches won't leave
My eyebrows are not groomed
The lump in my skin is growing
The baby is too
I have this new job pushing shoes
Selling them and buying them too
I need more money
I will soon start school
Does anyone write this way anymore
Will I learn the right way before...

I remember your little lungs struggling so hard to breathe
You were brand new, a few days, in fact three
You let it be known that you were hungry and wanted to cuddle you wanted to hold me
I was up all night making sure you were still breathing
Protecting that sweet smile from evil
That is all I did and will continue to do
You love me and I love you

Trust me
When I say that you need to stop caring about what they think
You need to stop caring about what they think
Sometimes it is impossible to let go
But that is the only way
Happiness is always open just like a super Walmart
Learn to understand your own brain and your own heart
Let people in at your own risk
Teach people the way you are and show them that if they choose to leave then they will miss you tomorrow
Because they will
When you are so secure in yourself they will

I want to share this with you and I want you to know
That I'll always be there for you I will help you to grow
It may seem as if I'm mad but I'm not
It may seem like I hate you but I don't
I just want what's best for you that's why I called the cops
Maybe they'll teach you that it does no good to stalk

Sometimes I feel like I could just cry
The way you treat me drives my heart wild
You're so sweet to me and you're so kind
You're learning to be gentle with me I'm so glad that you're mine
I felt so alone before you came along my smiles were just packed away
I felt so numb before you came along
I'll always want you to stay

I have to write a poem because you are a stupid man and honestly you will never be able to understand I have so much hate towards the things that I should I gave you so much love and if you never left there's no doubt I'd stop that I wouldn't

Struggling with the source
Struggling where the next turn will be
Only to realize that I control that decision

I was humbled by love
The stubborn kind
The kind that wanted me when i did not
The kind that gave up. ... sort of
Until I was ready
When I was ready, it seemed as if it were too late
I was mistaken
Though he couldn't say it or show it
We both knew

I think of the words the wise ones have told me
I think of the feeling that they gave to me
I think of the success
One day I'll be successful

It’s almost like my heart has eyes
Big huge eyes with no lashes
And dark rings that surround them
With no lips or ears so the senses are limited
It’s like the only thing my heart can do is look around like it has lost its shoes
Or keys
Or remote
Or almost anything
It’s like my heart can no longer sing

Not everything should make you feel good about yourself
You'd be in a better position if you cared about your health
Take initiative is what they all say
Stop lying around and quit being afraid
Imagine summer and all of the good things
Imagine winter and all the love it brings
From strangers and from family

Got into writing and I can not stop doing it
How to undo all of this foolishness??
I'm taking my time
To write
To think

you guys ever think about the things you did and think "what the ***" what the *** what the *** I can not believe that I have done that
Anyways all of the things I have done are now in the past and it is now up to me to make a better life and all of that for sure I have so much to look forward to but at the same time it is so scary and it is so strange to even think about the past
The past is a dark place but I have so much to get done right now we will talk later okay?

What's worse than saying bad words? Saying you'll write a poem a day and forgetting you even said it.
Writing an email before you've even eaten your breakfast.
Stepping outside feeling and looking far too comfortable.
Feeling far too groggy
Looking like a straight *** when it is foggy.
You do want more for yourself and you will get that.
You will get everything you need but you just have to say it.
You have to think it before you can even say it.
I has to become a routine.
I has to be your everything.
You have to do everything that you said you are going to do
Because who you are is way more than what you are letting yourself become
You have got to be better than anyone who has ever doubted you
You have got to brush them off like tell them to shoo

I am going to write about you until I can't anymore
All I can think about is the negative person that you are
The jealous rat that seems to hide behind these big brown eyes
We are all so terrified
If we leave it up to you then nothing would be done
So you take mindless orders from everyone
You think that it's normal
It is not
You lay and watch and clean all day as if it's the only thing you know how to do
As if that is the definition of you

She is trying so hard to be famous
I am forever wishing I was nameless
When she looks at me she is so focused
She really thinks that I don't know this
She wants to be me so bad
I just really want to stop being so sad
I have made up my mind...I am moving to LA
She thinks I care about her being away
The truth is I am just trying to make enough money
To get out of here
To be 5 blocks up from Santa Monica Pier
I want to leave myself a mark
I want to leave my light in the spaces where it's dark
When they turn on their lamp they will always have a wet cold feeling
I will be in my beautiful studio apartment just chilling
Just remember me when you look in the mirror
And how I always took away your sadness and fear