in distant memories, i can almost see you.
thoughts as put together as a cracked mirror,
a playground of stone
but still!
hands clasp hands, reminding my brain of times when fingers lace together, a shoelace of skin and bones and veins.
Breeze blows hair an ocean lapping between toes or
crumbs spilled from mouths, spread like sand over the sidewalk-
a city of castles and sky
Let my chest speak for me, opened, splayed, and displayed like an exhibit
use your fingers and trace from rib to rib and read the story i push so far back into the grain of my bones
a frightened girl, so distant  and unknown
*much like the sea she was born from

My mouth is a confessional
a forgive me father for i have sinned
lips locked tight, secret keeper.
Words split, splatter the inside of my cheeks
and they slide, jagged down my throat

and lips don't meet collarbones,
and skin doesn't meet skin,
and my body is drenched in my own fingerprints
because my arms are covered in goosebumps
and i'm screaming THIS IS NOT ME
inside my head

i will never be bold, *****, beautiful enough for you
your experiences will far surpass mine,
I dig my fingernails in between my lips,
they creak open like the door to a dusty room...
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH

i am stuck in my own skin

I know a girl who,
with a paper chest and a flimsy shield,
who would climb a hundred mountain tops,
and slay a thousand dragons,
if it meant saving you from a single tower.
Copper hair that attracts all the lightning in a thunderstorm
the sky melts like an ice cream cone in july,
and that blue is the exact color of her eyes.
She is rain when its sunny and the beach when its snowing
she contradicts herself more often then not,
and she will never back down.
Her beliefs are her bones, the structure behind the person she is.
Big dipper freckles and smoke in her eyes
Always craving adventure and just a little bit more
fingers lengthy and arms shaped like paint strokes,
in the face of every person who has tried to push her around, she spits
and again and again
as malleable as the breeze
yet as strong as an army
and guns may be pressed to her head, and she may be told to surrender,
but all she does is smile
This girl, this girl, this girl
a blistered promise at legendary
a banged up head and feet bespattered with tears
forest fire thoughts that tear her up and burn her down
A displayed chest so open, so unbelievably free
rule breaker, heart stealer, ***** with a cause.
I know a girl who taught me, despite being faced with endless reasons to close up,
all you have to do is put a crack in the wall before it all comes tumbling down
and with rapture you can break every rule you set for yourself because life is more then
playing it safe
this girl taught me a thing or three on the beauty of feeling, and no matter how secure it is to be guarded
up and closed off, there is radiance in
just
letting
*go

my eyes are full of girls dumbing themselves down and begging to be mistreated by boys who will break their fragile little hearts

14. The boys would gladly break those fragile hearts for 10 minutes of skin on skin in the backseat of a car

13. Im not one of those girls

12. Im not one of those boys either

11. I value a beautiful mind over a beautiful body and thats just not how things work around here

10. i like to write poems, drink tea, watch movies, and listen to rock

9. the problem with that is thinking differently gets you shunned and mocked

8. and the amount of skin you show directly correlates to how much you are worth

7. i like to wear jeans

6. So what am I?

5.  Im more than a thousand compliments, false promises, skin, and hands

4. I like my thoughts and the outfits I wear and the half understood jokes that I make

3. I don't want to beg for someone who is intimidated by a smart girl

2. and I definitely don't want to be just "hot"

1. so I won't

a snake of tail lights blind my eyes
and my hands are blistered from crawling across glass
to get back to you
You are a God figure standing above me
a righteous saint
You're saying and doing everything you can to send me to eternal damnation
a purgatory of "maybes" and "thank you's" and politeness
I am not a push downer
an opinion-less extra
an empty brain drone
im a walled up mistress
no feeling having, numb as can be, teenage head case
I am 3am barefoot in the sand,
streetlight wearer,
shoulder in my mouth and tangled hair.
Im a "Breath doesn't mean anything if it isn't coming from your lungs" shunner
But what good am I?
I'm nothing but a mutation in a city of clones, new thoughts are gibberish if they weren't placed there by a higher power.
Can you even blink without it being set out before you?
eyelash plucked from a passing eye so you can make your wish
authenticity in a barbie house
a repeated phrase
"it all belongs to you,the world, it all belongs to you"

Grief is a misty-eyed mistress, her face soft with sadness
Its one thousand fingers and palms meeting each other
creating a thunder so loud in my being that i can't think straight.
Grief is a five letter word, one of them an "i" none of them "u"
a night full of stars in my brain working out the equation of the exact point when a person with a brain and a favorite song, food, and movie becomes nothing more then broken biased memories and a pile of bones.
Sleep crusted eyes and a bottle of jim bean,
cracked plates and an infinity of kitchen tables.
what an empty chest, hard exhale feeling
when the ghosts of your charcoal smudged fingers trace my eyelids and forehead like a canvas of your own creation
but then sometimes,
i can close my eyes and feel myself waist-deep in the calmest ocean,
my fingertips skimming the warm water, eyes closed, the sun setting on my bare back
a smile spreads ear to ear and cracks my salty lips
peace
im confused on what to do with the collection of rain drops and lightning gathering in my open palms
so i take my hands, tip them over, and let them
*drop

Insecurity is wool blanket drenched in water
laying across my nose and mouth,
every breath i take in is a wicked reminder of everything i am not.
its sharp needle points prodding my pores
ripping apart the skin of my throat with every word i'm unable to speak.
Insecurity is facing a firing squad,
every bullet comes from the mouth, every tongue a trigger, every tooth ammunition
Your feet are nailed to the ground, an iron staple of your own making lacing through your toes.
The worst thing about it is that your hands are bulletproof shields,
and if you had the strength to raise your thousand pound arms,
you could use them to block your bruised up brain.
But you can't.
So you don't.
its being uncomfortable in your own skin, a bone shattering, helpless feeling that you
cannot change this.
no amount of compliments or beautiful words whispered in the darkness can fix it
insecurity is the building blocks of my personality,
I'm constantly tailoring everyone in my life to fit it, like a worn dress
I can't walk down the hallway, down the street, through a store
without the feeling of a thousand weighty words cutting into my skin
In every war my mind wages against my body
i stand there like marble, letting the bullets eat me alive.