when you said
it was over
man you shot right through my heart

why you let these h03s tear what we had right apart
i shoulda seen it coming from the start

you should beware
beware
beware

of a woman with a broken heart

A smile so tiny.
A glance so quick.
My heart just skipped a beat.

i hate being sober when you're not around
sometimes I question my sobriety
even in the absence
of such distant memories
were they real
or just nightmares and daydreams

now I'm turning 20
and you're not here
i hate being sober
i know on my birthday
I'll just be invisible to you
i hate being sober
i want to turn back time
i hate being sober
i want to be able to see the warning sign
the sign i missed
it was red
like the blood i would bleed for you
but yet we move
i thrive without you
somehow i manage

still, i must confess
i miss you

sitting on my desk trying to write a paper
my ritalin wearing off
its 9pm and i don't know how much longer until my eyes will close
there's a voice in my head
it talks to me
the only comfort i have during quarantine
tells me to keep going, do not stop
remember what you’re doing this for
for the heart of spain, the only one that does not stop

my mindset going down like a GPA
it used to be 3.9
but like my desire to be dead at this point
makes it go down to 3.5
winter makes it harder to breathe
it’s getting colder, I feel number
my mind is frozen like a piece of ice
not to mention to know the feeling of suicide
time has stopped in my world
the only clock ticking is the countdown to may
there’s a blade against my wrist
it likes to give me wounds

fight this pain
you are worth more
your future lies in the hands of that number on the walls of your college counselors door
I love you
please stay strong
you almost made it
and then you’re free and gone

your touch is nonexistent
but I can still feel it
your presence is nonexistent
but you're always next to me
your texts are imaginary
but I can see your name on my screen

I swear sometimes
just sometimes
if I try hard enough
and close my eyes
I can relive that one night
cheek to cheek
skin to skin
replaying that memory over and over again

the ***** was too strong
my hands were numb
only bits and pieces scattered in my shattered mind
just come back to me
just once
that's all I ask
please

to the hometown i hate,
i miss seeing the october sunrise while taking the train to school every morning
to the hometown i hate,
i miss being able to wear uggs, hats and scarves already at the end of september,
to the hometown i hate,
i miss being able to buy 90 cent face masks and my favorite protein bars at the drugstore 10 minutes away from me
to the hometown i hate,
i miss seeing the porsches and mercedes c-classes parked on the curbes of our sidewalks
to the hometown i hate,
i miss the quietness of my area
to the hometown i hate,
i miss being able to speak a language i know fluently, not worrying about the anxiety i get if i get into a complicated situation
to the hometown i hate,
i miss running in the quiet, clean, green forest next to us
to the hometown i hate,
i miss sleeping in my own bed, in the room i did not like
to the hometown i hate,
i miss being able to go to my fully-equipped kitchen and bake whenever i want to, which i complained was too small until i moved into my dorm
to the hometown i hate,
i miss you