I wish I knew what I wanted to say
But all I've got right now is:
it's ok you might be leaving soon
i'll take any amount at all.
i'm afraid a little bit,
and i'm not sure that will go away,
but you can have me regardless
to fiddle around in my ribcage
(just leave a little for me when you go)
(and i know you favor questions, baby,
but tuck away a few answers for me please)

I wrote poems that carried so much of my vulnerability, self-love, emptiness, lust, self-destruction, and etc. that I felt all in that time.

I woke up every morning having bad habits that were difficult to let go. It began to be a routine to go on with my day with toxic thoughts, actions and feelings.

Most times, it takes hundredths of poems to heal brokenness. I'm here to say, in that amount of time, you have grown stronger than the last poem you've written. And when you look back at all those words you poured out so effortlessly, you have not realized how much pain you gone through and survived. You are a healing wound, and your body and mind is working wonders without you even knowing every second of the day.

You will wake up one day, feeling exhausted for letting this heaviness weigh you down for so long and you'll realize you're meant to do more than just fall.

- *CPM

I just want it to be loud
The gasping, my deepest inhale when we start
Song on in the background
(I can't make out what it is anymore because I don't care, my hand is on the front of your hip, slowly gliding to the side to pull you in)
((all I hear is the friction))
And then I just want it to be silent
with eye contact and your hand on my cheek
ear to pillow
Hear nothing, but I see us exhale

Call a                          doctor/ plumber/ priest
My heart is               broken/ leaking/ deceased
My life is                   worthless/ so much better/ over
I'm going to              **** myself/ tell your wife/ Dover
How could you         leave me/ not know/ lie?
I hope you                return my stuff/ come back/ die
I'll never                   forget you/ forgive you/ go away
I need                        closure/ a DNA test/ to tell you I'm gay
Your                           face/ crotch/ top of your back
Is                                so beautiful/ lumpy/ unusually slack
Your                           ex/ mother/ best friend from school
Always made me      great coffee/ feel inadequate/ drool
I will                           miss you/ **** you/ stalk you forever
That way we can      be friends/ get away with it/ be together
I'm sorry                   you did this/ I did this /we failed
I promise to               pay you/ dye it back/ get you bailed
Please don't               leave me/ show the Polaroids/ write or call

(*delete as appropriate, just delete it all.....)

dear younger me,

congratulations! you made it to the end of formal schooling
you probably have tons of questions for me,
but i have a few for you
dear me, what's it like to play everyday
what's it like to play computer games
what's it like to go to the playground
dear me, what's it like to be able to handle school
to be able to actually be ahead of work
and spend most of the time not studying
dear me, what's it like to be happy everyday
to be able to smile at the smallest thing
to always love your life
dear me, what's it like
to not care about what others think
of how you look, what you say
dear me, what's it like
to not have the expectations of everyone
burden your shoulders
dear me, what's it like
to not have (almost) daily thoughts
of not wanting to be alive
dear me, what's it like
to run away from an approaching car
instead of wanting to walk in front of it
dear me, what's it like
to always sleep happily
and not have to hide your tears
when everyone's asleep
dear me, what's it like to live?
to want to live, to love being alive
dear me, please be strong
there will be days when
you don't want to live (yes, appalling)
you don't want to smile (how)
you don't want anything
please hang in there
there will be days when
there's only one thing
stopping you from ending it all
please, please be strong

sincerely,
me

It's 2:22 in the morning.
I am sitting here thinking.
I am thinking of you.
Our mushy little texts we would send.
Our kisses we'd share on my front porch.
I am sitting here remembering everything we had been through.
That night our family argued.
I thought I'd never see you again.
That day I snuck you into my house.
That was our last day.
I cherish it, I cherish you.
I will never forget the memories.
I will never forget you.

I want to melt into your skin and stay there for a night
Bite your collar bone and sink my teeth a little further from our next goodbye.
Say hello to me again soon so I can wrap my palms around your shoulder blades
Move my fingertips to your jaw line and touch my tongue to your throat
Taste the way your words come out

how is it that you can be in love and think you have met the single greatest human,
and then you're not in love anymore and you suddenly meet so many new people
(they smell the single on you, i swear)
and a lot of the time they're boring
but then there are multiple kind souls and maybe you can make new friends and maybe not everyone ***** and maybe life is a continuous spectrum of meeting people your dumb young self promotes to the "greatest."
we are all young dumb ****** up vessels just
...trying...
hoping connections last and hoping the greatest one falls into place,
at least for a little while until you grow out of each other again
and start over