empty shell of a body
(so full though, so ******* full)
accidentally getting random boys mixed up in all of this
"this" being lust & disgust
lust for attention and affection
disgust for my being conscious of it all.
i have heavy thighs that are making it hard to walk on
i like hearing about moths, i wish i never talked of myself

Today I had a physical exam and they weighed me
So I ate my weight later in the day
And spent 20 minutes kneeling over the brim trying to get rid of myself
And congratulations,
I said to myself in the mirror
You're officially in this.
You've created this horror for yourself
Good luck.
(I want to tell this boy about it but he has no place in the corners of my room. I will leave him on the bed
Some things are best left unsaid)

I'm not sure I believe in love anymore
but I've been getting the best oral of my life from a guy who sings me songs at night.
I feel selfish for meeting a kind soul at such an interesting time
(I'm not sure I believe in kind souls either)
I can too quickly drop love
And forget what it was to feel anything at all
(Did i feel anything at all?)
I felt too much
Every time.
And feeling too much will come again, and then I'll realize I feel nothing in the end.

this is more than a song.
this is more than poetry.
this is my heart.
every day i break it
turn its pieces into words
that will make the pieces of your broken heart
put themselves back together.

i straightened my hair today
for the first time in three weeks.
my mother was happy
but i was not.
--
last night
she said,
i know you're an artist,
pero no andes como una loca.
don't go around looking like a crazy person.
--
i kept touching my hair today.
missing the stray curl that stayed behind my left ear.
missing the space my hair used to take up,
wild and free.
feeling smaller.
in a body that was not my own.
--
this hair, mami,
does not belong to an artist,
y no es de locas.
es mío; con él nací.
in it i carry the waves
that carry me
that carried the bones
of my ancestors all the way here.
--
these curls, mami,
they are big enough to hold me,
to hold all that i am.
they are a garden in which beauty grows.
they are rivers that lead to the ocean.

lean into this,
the hard work
the heart work
the art work of growing.
know that this isn't forever.
your body, your home will catch up
to the blossoming of your soul.
days and months and years will pass.
but then, like a child, like a flower in spring,
you will bloom, you will rise.
here.
unrushed.
in your time.

Circle back to me.
Check in, check out-
I guess-
we’re ok today.

My heart and mind know
what I am waiting for, but
something is missing.

We’re on separate
pages, and maybe even
on separate books.

You want to love me;
To build, to grow, to learn, and
all the things between.

But I’m in peril.
Floating between right and wrong.
The good and evil.

And I’m not sure that,
the girl you fell in love with
exists anymore.