When a thought of him appears, I shove it down inside. To the deepest depths of my soul. Where 6 years of hell can hide.

Every memory of him a fleeting cloud. A hollow tree. A ghost of what we never were. What I thought we'd be.

Thank God for taking him away.
Thank God I didn't stay.

I was so deep in his anger. I was so beat down by his words.

He stole a piece of me. My innocence. My dignity. For awhile...I thought it was real. I thought it was how I should feel.

The abuse was more than I could take,
And I'm thankful he's now someone else's mistake.

There’s a difference between being alone
And being lonely.

I’m not lonely my love.

But I am alone.
— Even when you’re with me.

She came into our lives like a tornado.
She flattens and destroys.
Screaming down the love we give.
Filling the house with noise.

Little cherub face masked with angry rage.
What can I do...is this just a phase?

She calls me mommy and I'm not sure what to say.
Is being her mommy supposed to feel this way?

The days drag on and I can't deny.
My heart isn't in this and I'm not sure why.

I read her a book. I brushed her hair. I held her while she cried, but my mind wasn't there.

I held her hand. I cleaned her face. I showed her a cloud. I taught her about space.

I know what it is...I can finally see...

I'm afraid to love her because...

she doesn't belong to me.

Translucent fingers. Miniature toes.
Tiny eyes that cannot see.
Tiny lips that open silently.

I feel you move
And now... I know.

I've never been more sure...
Life is the disease - you are the cure.

He only says my name when he's crying
He wants to touch my skin
I can't imagine sleeping in a room he's not in.

It feels so natural to keep him near.
I don't give a **** what doctors think I should hear.

He fits perfectly next to me.
Close like he's supposed to be.
My heart on the outside.

I've erased a hundred poems.

I've deleted a thousand rhymes.

I'm up late again,
writing words you'll never read.

My heart captive
in the twilight of a phone screen,
but my mind finally freed.

I deleted you.
Backspaced your name.
Unfollowed your face.
Closed your window to me.
Shut down your connection.
Cut the cord that bound us.

It felt good for a minute...
Then I wanted to add you.
Follow you again. Snap back.
But it's too late.

Your memory is corrupt.

I walked out into the sun today
Felt it's rays upon my face.
Emerged from my cave
Heart thawing ...shedding disgrace.

I couldn't feel joy there,
Even as I listened to their laughter.
I felt nothing. I'm not sure what I was after.

So I went back into my darkness.
Blanket over my head.
Wishing I could go to the place,
Where these feelings are dead.

I've tried so hard to be normal me.
I just can't seem to find her.
My compass is broken
My self awareness awoken.

So back inside I go
Where it's safe, tears like summer rain
A heavy hug of acceptance
I'm only sad ...not insane.

In the darkest part of my mind
I find cobwebs I never wanted to find.
Areas haunted by my past.
Dreams I knew would never last.

It's in this place I find your face...
I find regret and sorrow.

I can't help but be worried that today is without tomorrow.

When you died you left without goodbye and I can barely recall your face.

No picture. no voice. no trace.

All the things we did and didn't do
Are in the dark corner my mind made for you.

I can't fix you.
God knows I've tried.
Nothing I say makes it past the veil.

Fading hope and drooping demeanor.
I've given up on you.

Heart burst to cinder.
Tears dried to dust.

I've let you drown me.
You've boarded my ship and sunk it.

It was very easy to make you.
We did as we always do.
When your life began, I didn't even know.
With no effort from me, you started to grow.

Sometimes when I wake up, I forget your there.
Fleeting moments when I am unaware.
More and more you're a part of everything.
I go to sleep, you're every dream.

I imagine you'll come with violence as they all do.
Screaming and pain that I'll suffer through.
But you'll be beautiful.
A soft pillow with sparkling eyes.
A small angel in a human disguise.

Swerve a little to left
and all this will go away.

A moment of bravery
for a peacefulness that will stay.

I wonder if it hurts to die
Or if living is the pain.
I can't imagine it'll hurt more
Than this feeling of mundane.

Selfish thoughts of escape
Decisions I long to make.

But this night is dark and deep
And I was never promised sleep.

I won't leave you behind my tiny men
I'll be better tomorrow or at least I'll pretend.

The words get stuck on my tounge.
My mind won't comply.
In reality nothing matters.
If I say the thoughts or let them die.

I find silence is golden.
I never regret not speaking.
My regrets come from my heart leaking.

So if I stare at you blankly
it's not because I have nothing to say.
I'm not speaking because
I don't want to watch the replay.

Words too often get in the way
and I'm not sure what you mean.
Let's just let our eyes speak
and our bodies be the screen.

I'm afraid that one day you'll get tired of me.
Hearing the same stories I've been telling since 2003.
Forever never lasts forever anymore. Like they said on Frozen...love is an open door.

He walks on the street
that leads to my soul
He lives within the house
of my fleeting self control
Holds within his sweaty palms
Faded pictures of my dreams
Crumpling them to heaps of trash
Laughing as I scream

I died a little that day.
The darkest pain
No words can say.

The stabbing and tearing.
Ripping and bearing.

Some call it beauty, but surely they forget.
I remember and there's nothing pretty about it.
The only thing pretty was you.

I resented the trauma you put me though.
I denied the drugs for the sake of you.
I denied them because I thought I was stronger than pain.
God help me I agreed to do this again.

A woman's life is full of men.
They each see her as a prize.

A thing to touch and maybe hold.
Not intelligent. Not wise.

I am an object to you.
Walking ******* and skin.

You only think of what to say.
In the chance I might let you in.

My thoughts are deep
and my emotions pure
I have no time for boy games anymore.

My heart is full of pent up rage
Because I am an object to you.
Can't you see that the truth is...

You are an object to me too.

I’ve created pathways in my mind that are filled by your voice.
Every road turns to you and no longer by my choice.
I can’t block you out
          you play on repeat.

I’m orbiting you too closely.
Floating into your atmosphere.
I can’t resist the pull.
I can’t overcome the fear.

Your planet is a desert.
My moon is filled with life.
I’m certain if I let you.
You’ll slay my day and my night.

In the stratosphere of your planet
I circle you waiting for a reply
Floating in your orbit
Thinking this heart you might deny.

We pass each other slowly
Eclipse, you came to late
I can't grasp onto your gravity
My life has a different fate.

Let's travel this journey together
In parallel universes
Binding our lives forever
through mutual concourses.

The starlight of your soul
Connecting with my heart.
We can make this darkness light
We can make a brand new start.

Step away sir
Don't look into my eyes

Your compliments are surface deep

We are nothing alike
You tell lies
I live here behind this disguise

I want to runaway with you
Leave behind our responsibilities
Everything we’re supposed to do

You look so tired my love
Can’t you see I am too
I’m tired of this race
Tired of wearing a fake happy face

Please take me to a northern sea
Where the wind blows crisp
And waves are all I see
I don’t want this town anymore
I want this dream I’ve been waiting for
The dream you told of me and you
The dream I know we can make come true

My love was given freely
As young lovers often do
It grew like the branches on a tree
Every day a stem that's new

We watched the sun rise
Rays upon our skin
No words left unspoken
I let you in

My flower in the thorns.
My single drop of rain.
Different than the others.

...Be just a little same.

Love me like you said you would,
For as long as we shall be!
Close your eyes to the tears.
No one has to see.

We'll burn the world around us.
Ignite the sky with flame.
I'll carry you in my pocket
Through the cold and endless rain.

Setting sun in embers.
Hollow lonely moon.
Hold me through the pain.
The long night will be here soon.

I can be a better woman.
I can be a better wife.
I can be a better mother.
I can have a better life.

We can pack our bags together
Move somewhere by the sea.
We can say **** the world
Because this is the best we're meant to be.

I'm not a princess darling
You don't ride a white horse.
There's no one coming to save us
You're the hero of course.

So whisper in my ear.
Please tell me one more time.
These broken dreams were never promises
And everything will be fine.

Sometimes late at night
... I wonder if you think of me.
Do you remember
my voice, my touch, your profanity.

Do you lie awake
and regret your mistake?
Or am I just a toy
that you couldn't break?

There's distance in your eyes
that wasn't there before.
There's a look that you give me
that says you aren't sure.

We keep standing at this cliff
looking over the edge.
You say you want to jump.
I say I want to fly.

I'm not the same girl...
You're not the same boy.
We live in a world of gray
A world devoid of joy.

I want to be the best version of me
...But I mostly want it for you.
I want that look in your eyes to return
...So we can be what we used to.

Let's step back from this ledge
Start over and make life new.
This cliff is too high for jumping
Let's climb down - we already flew.

I followed you home yesterday
Right into your back door.
I went into your living room
Sat down on the floor.

I watched you do the dishes.
I stayed longer than I should.
You didn't invite me here
But if I had asked
I like to think you would.

I lounged on your couch
as you watched tv
I thought you'd notice
but you never saw me.

I pet your cat and laid on your bed
Put my head on your pillow
And listened to everything you said.

You never once looked at my face
I'm here everyday with you
And I never leave a trace.

I'm the sadness
you can't control.
I'm your companion
when life takes its toll.

Next time I come by
invite me in.
I'm coming in anyways
so don't fight it
You'll never win!

Waiting is the hardest part
I'm anticipating your face.
What is my greatest joy
Could turn to my greatest disgrace.

I'm afraid of possibilities
Afraid of what might be.

Afraid your heart will be weak
Your lungs won't allow you to speak

Afraid you will turn inward with autistic eyes
Afraid you'll use depression as a disguise.

What can I possibly do
But continue to anticipate loving you.