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Jan 2019 · 330
Pathways
Artistry Jan 2019
I’ve created pathways in my mind that are filled by your voice.
Every road turns to you and no longer by my choice.
I can’t block you out
          you play on repeat.
Nov 2018 · 629
Control
Artistry Nov 2018
You delight in my sorrow
You smile at my tears
You love the control you have
Breaking me down year by year

What will future me have left
When I’ve been consumed by you
Swallowed down into your dungeon
Chained up to the wall
Beaten for my pleasures
Broken by withdrawl

Because my happiness is your pain
My smile makes you insane
You want me broken and blue
Because it easier for you
Sep 2018 · 544
IDGAF
Artistry Sep 2018
The subtle art of not giving a ****
is lost on me.
My cups of ***** runneth over.

I will throw these ***** in the river
and let them float

Down the swift river of regret.
Just so tired of caring too much about everything.
Jul 2018 · 299
The Conductor of Ecstasy
Artistry Jul 2018
His hands. His fingers.
He is the painter
that paints a masterpiece upon my soul.
He is the conductor
that plays the tune of ecstasy.
He is the poet
that writes sonnets in my skin.
Dips the ink deep within.
Jun 2018 · 247
Haunting Me
Artistry Jun 2018
Gone but not forgotten
You’re always on my mind.
I think about you when I wake.
I think about you in my sleep.

I doubt you even know...
Your memory burns slow.

You’re still haunting me
It’s not fair what you do.
Driving me to madness  
No way to contact you.

Your voice a whisper in my soul.
Your face a black hole.
Still a ghost I’ll never see
...All you’ll ever be.

And it hurts because I’ll never know.

Back to ghost status again
Living in my mind, my friend.
May 2018 · 261
Benny and Joon
Artistry May 2018
Happily embarrassed as they say
Happy to be near your aura
even if I’m in the way.

You radiate a mellow confidence
Sure of the world and your presence.

Your voice a quiet baratone
that reminds me of soft blankets
and long walks home.

Turn my shallow breathing to hyperventilation.  
Turn my cold heart away from
hibernation.
Make me become the completion of you.
The Bonnie to your Clyde
The Benny to your Joon.
<3
May 2018 · 260
Slay me
Artistry May 2018
I’m orbiting you too closely.
Floating into your atmosphere.
I can’t resist the pull.
I can’t overcome the fear.

Your planet is a desert.
My moon is filled with life.
I’m certain if I let you.
You’ll slay my day and my night.
May 2018 · 1.5k
Drowning in You
Artistry May 2018
I’ve followed you into the rain
You said I wouldn’t get wet.
I let you make me insane
You said don’t turn back yet.

You are my protector,
but I need protection from you.

You are my savior,
but who will save me when we’re through.

I’m soaking all the way to my soul.
Drowning in your puddles.
Feb 2018 · 283
Addiction
Artistry Feb 2018
I didn’t feed my addictions today,
They took me over and got in the way.
I couldn’t keep back the flood.
Swift river of regret.

Is this depression or anxiety ?
I don’t feel anxious. I don’t feel sad.
I feel like I’ve been here before.
Walked in this room...opened this door.

On the other side, I found poetry.
I found words that flowed eloquently.
Poetry to free my mind. Release me from rewind.
Free me from regret and pain.
   Make me feel.  
Poetry I’m counting on you.
My newest addiction to get me through.
Everyone’s alittle crazy. The trick is finding what makes you alittle more sane.
Feb 2018 · 1.1k
Ghost of You
Artistry Feb 2018
I feel you in the air
Even though I know you’re not there.
Your presence burning holes in my skin.

People can’t just follow you around.
But I hear your voice
even though there’s no sound.
I feel you walking next to me.
Surely this should be diagnosed clinically.

Because I can’t keep the real and fake apart
Dancing between the imperceptible cracks in light and dark.

Sit beside me ghost of mine.
I’m not afraid of You...
I’m afraid of my own mind.
That feeling like you’re being watched. Eyes on the back of your head. Skin shivering.
Feb 2018 · 241
Perception Versus Reality
Artistry Feb 2018
I’ve gone over it 100 times.
The replay well defined.
My perception of events and
My mistakes enshrined.

The hardest part is knowing.
I’m not who I thought I was.  
So easily angered just because.

Constant reflection comforts me.
Still reaching for who I want to be.
Something different from reality.
Feb 2018 · 190
Alone
Artistry Feb 2018
There’s a difference between being alone
And being lonely.

I’m not lonely my love.

But I am alone.
— Even when you’re with me.
Jan 2018 · 250
The Dream
Artistry Jan 2018
I want to runaway with you
Leave behind our responsibilities
Everything we’re supposed to do

You look so tired my love
Can’t you see I am too
I’m tired of this race
Tired of wearing a fake happy face

Please take me to a northern sea
Where the wind blows crisp
And waves are all I see
I don’t want this town anymore
I want this dream I’ve been waiting for
The dream you told of me and you
The dream I know we can make come true
#letsgo #runaway #suburbia
Jan 2018 · 197
Blind Sadness
Artistry Jan 2018
The joy I used to feel turned to mud
and squished in between my toes.
My smile faded like the sun
after a cleansing rain
beautiful then suddenly dark.
I keep reaching for that next branch but I’m blind with the sadness.
Jan 2018 · 196
My Gaze
Artistry Jan 2018
I’ve come to realize
that my true power lies
not within my words
but within my eyes.
With a look, I will conquer you.
With a gaze, slay you through.
Hold your hand and dominate
Hold your stare and penetrate.
Deep within the core of you.
As I know you want me to.
Jan 2018 · 198
All that matters is you
Artistry Jan 2018
You are allowed to do
What you want to
I stand still in time
I can’t have hobbies
That aren’t YOU.

I’m tired of being controlled
My heart held captive and desires sold
I’m like a doll on a shelf
Never speaking or doing anything myself

You have complete control over me
And I can’t believe I’ve let this be

Break my chains your heartless and cruel
I won’t live under your dictatorship rule.

I have feelings and emotions it’s true
It’s not fair that all that matters is you.
Nov 2017 · 317
Slow Burn of Pleasure
Artistry Nov 2017
Take me to the edge of the cliff
And toss me over the side.
Plunging face first into ecstasy
I can’t stop or hide.
Filling me in a way
My body has never felt before.
No words exchanged
But I’m begging for more.
Like walking into the rain
Shivering in my skin.
Sinking into a feeling
That I never want to end.
When it’s just THAT good.
Oct 2017 · 710
Let Your Eyes Speak
Artistry Oct 2017
The words get stuck on my tounge.
My mind won't comply.
In reality nothing matters.
If I say the thoughts or let them die.

I find silence is golden.
I never regret not speaking.
My regrets come from my heart leaking.

So if I stare at you blankly
it's not because I have nothing to say.
I'm not speaking because
I don't want to watch the replay.

Words too often get in the way
and I'm not sure what you mean.
Let's just let our eyes speak
and our bodies be the screen.
Shhhhhhhhh.
Oct 2017 · 203
Mirror
Artistry Oct 2017
He walks on the street
that leads to my soul
He lives within the house
of my fleeting self control
Holds within his sweaty palms
Faded pictures of my dreams
Crumpling them to heaps of trash
Laughing as I scream
Oct 2017 · 230
File Unrecognized
Artistry Oct 2017
I deleted you.
Backspaced your name.
Unfollowed your face.
Closed your window to me.
Shut down your connection.
Cut the cord that bound us.

It felt good for a minute...
Then I wanted to add you.
Follow you again. Snap back.
But it's too late.

Your memory is corrupt.
Oct 2017 · 202
Hostile Takeover
Artistry Oct 2017
I can't fix you.
God knows I've tried.
Nothing I say makes it past the veil.

Fading hope and drooping demeanor.
I've given up on you.

Heart burst to cinder.
Tears dried to dust.

I've let you drown me.
You've boarded my ship and sunk it.
Oct 2017 · 197
Uninvited Guest
Artistry Oct 2017
I followed you home yesterday
Right into your back door.
I went into your living room
Sat down on the floor.

I watched you do the dishes.
I stayed longer than I should.
You didn't invite me here
But if I had asked
I like to think you would.

I lounged on your couch
as you watched tv
I thought you'd notice
but you never saw me.

I pet your cat and laid on your bed
Put my head on your pillow
And listened to everything you said.

You never once looked at my face
I'm here everyday with you
And I never leave a trace.

I'm the sadness
you can't control.
I'm your companion
when life takes its toll.

Next time I come by
invite me in.
I'm coming in anyways
so don't fight it
You'll never win!
Artistry Oct 2017
I walked out into the sun today
Felt it's rays upon my face.
Emerged from my cave
Heart thawing ...shedding disgrace.

I couldn't feel joy there,
Even as I listened to their laughter.
I felt nothing. I'm not sure what I was after.

So I went back into my darkness.
Blanket over my head.
Wishing I could go to the place,
Where these feelings are dead.

I've tried so hard to be normal me.
I just can't seem to find her.
My compass is broken
My self awareness awoken.

So back inside I go
Where it's safe, tears like summer rain
A heavy hug of acceptance
I'm only sad ...not insane.
Oct 2017 · 269
Starlight of Your Soul
Artistry Oct 2017
In the stratosphere of your planet
I circle you waiting for a reply
Floating in your orbit
Thinking this heart you might deny.

We pass each other slowly
Eclipse, you came to late
I can't grasp onto your gravity
My life has a different fate.

Let's travel this journey together
In parallel universes
Binding our lives forever
through mutual concourses.

The starlight of your soul
Connecting with my heart.
We can make this darkness light
We can make a brand new start.
Sep 2017 · 447
Guilty Smile Innocent Eyes
Artistry Sep 2017
I'm too ******* her
and I don't know why.
She makes me crazy
because she won't comply.

Small face and innocent eyes.
Guilty smile and terrible lies.

I want to be a better mother,
but I'm not sure how.

I wonder what her next family would do.
Would they yell at her too?

Someday this will all be a memory.
And another woman will be mommy.

Will she remember what
I tried to teach her?

Or will she remember
that my words didn't reach her?

Regret. Sorrow. Tears. And pain.
She's too young to understand.
My words are wasted
and maybe also my time.
...caring for a child that will never be mine.
Sep 2017 · 202
Delete
Artistry Sep 2017
I've erased a hundred poems.

I've deleted a thousand rhymes.

I'm up late again,
writing words you'll never read.

My heart captive
in the twilight of a phone screen,
but my mind finally freed.
Same **** different day
Sep 2017 · 516
The way he looks at me
Artistry Sep 2017
There's distance in your eyes
that wasn't there before.
There's a look that you give me
that says you aren't sure.

We keep standing at this cliff
looking over the edge.
You say you want to jump.
I say I want to fly.

I'm not the same girl...
You're not the same boy.
We live in a world of gray
A world devoid of joy.

I want to be the best version of me
...But I mostly want it for you.
I want that look in your eyes to return
...So we can be what we used to.

Let's step back from this ledge
Start over and make life new.
This cliff is too high for jumping
Let's climb down - we already flew.
Sep 2017 · 232
Insomnia and Insecurity
Artistry Sep 2017
If I had a superpower,
it would be to forget.

When I close my eyes,
My mind is on replay.
I'm constantly going through
Things I didn't say.

I've had ten conversations with you,
But you probably don't recall.
They all happened in my mind
Which is the scariest part of all.
Artistry Sep 2017
I can be a better woman.
I can be a better wife.
I can be a better mother.
I can have a better life.

We can pack our bags together
Move somewhere by the sea.
We can say **** the world
Because this is the best we're meant to be.

I'm not a princess darling
You don't ride a white horse.
There's no one coming to save us
You're the hero of course.

So whisper in my ear.
Please tell me one more time.
These broken dreams were never promises
And everything will be fine.
Adulting
Sep 2017 · 225
The Toy You Couldn't Break
Artistry Sep 2017
Sometimes late at night
... I wonder if you think of me.
Do you remember
my voice, my touch, your profanity.

Do you lie awake
and regret your mistake?
Or am I just a toy
that you couldn't break?
Aug 2017 · 858
The Long Night
Artistry Aug 2017
My flower in the thorns.
My single drop of rain.
Different than the others.

...Be just a little same.

Love me like you said you would,
For as long as we shall be!
Close your eyes to the tears.
No one has to see.

We'll burn the world around us.
Ignite the sky with flame.
I'll carry you in my pocket
Through the cold and endless rain.

Setting sun in embers.
Hollow lonely moon.
Hold me through the pain.
The long night will be here soon.
Aug 2017 · 1.3k
Objectify Me
Artistry Aug 2017
A woman's life is full of men.
They each see her as a prize.

A thing to touch and maybe hold.
Not intelligent. Not wise.

I am an object to you.
Walking ******* and skin.

You only think of what to say.
In the chance I might let you in.

My thoughts are deep
and my emotions pure
I have no time for boy games anymore.

My heart is full of pent up rage
Because I am an object to you.
Can't you see that the truth is...

You are an object to me too.
Aug 2017 · 1.1k
His Coffin In My Mind
Artistry Aug 2017
In the darkest part of my mind
I find cobwebs I never wanted to find.
Areas haunted by my past.
Dreams I knew would never last.

It's in this place I find your face...
I find regret and sorrow.

I can't help but be worried that today is without tomorrow.

When you died you left without goodbye and I can barely recall your face.

No picture. no voice. no trace.

All the things we did and didn't do
Are in the dark corner my mind made for you.
Jul 2017 · 442
I'll Pretend
Artistry Jul 2017
Swerve a little to left
and all this will go away.

A moment of bravery
for a peacefulness that will stay.

I wonder if it hurts to die
Or if living is the pain.
I can't imagine it'll hurt more
Than this feeling of mundane.

Selfish thoughts of escape
Decisions I long to make.

But this night is dark and deep
And I was never promised sleep.

I won't leave you behind my tiny men
I'll be better tomorrow or at least I'll pretend.
Jun 2017 · 482
A Bruised Soul
Artistry Jun 2017
When a thought of him appears, I shove it down inside. To the deepest depths of my soul. Where 6 years of hell can hide.

Every memory of him a fleeting cloud. A hollow tree. A ghost of what we never were. What I thought we'd be.

Thank God for taking him away.
Thank God I didn't stay.

I was so deep in his anger. I was so beat down by his words.

He stole a piece of me. My innocence. My dignity. For awhile...I thought it was real. I thought it was how I should feel.

The abuse was more than I could take,
And I'm thankful he's now someone else's mistake.
Jun 2017 · 709
Another Woman's Child
Artistry Jun 2017
She came into our lives like a tornado.
She flattens and destroys.
Screaming down the love we give.
Filling the house with noise.

Little cherub face masked with angry rage.
What can I do...is this just a phase?

She calls me mommy and I'm not sure what to say.
Is being her mommy supposed to feel this way?

The days drag on and I can't deny.
My heart isn't in this and I'm not sure why.

I read her a book. I brushed her hair. I held her while she cried, but my mind wasn't there.

I held her hand. I cleaned her face. I showed her a cloud. I taught her about space.

I know what it is...I can finally see...

I'm afraid to love her because...

she doesn't belong to me.
Jul 2015 · 490
The Iron Dragon's Daughter
Artistry Jul 2015
My love was given freely
As young lovers often do
It grew like the branches on a tree
Every day a stem that's new

We watched the sun rise
Rays upon our skin
No words left unspoken
I let you in
Mar 2014 · 674
Marry me
Artistry Mar 2014
I'm afraid that one day you'll get tired of me.
Hearing the same stories I've been telling since 2003.
Forever never lasts forever anymore. Like they said on Frozen...love is an open door.
Mar 2014 · 1.4k
Co sleeping
Artistry Mar 2014
He only says my name when he's crying
He wants to touch my skin
I can't imagine sleeping in a room he's not in.

It feels so natural to keep him near.
I don't give a **** what doctors think I should hear.

He fits perfectly next to me.
Close like he's supposed to be.
My heart on the outside.
Aug 2013 · 645
Step Away
Artistry Aug 2013
Step away sir
Don't look into my eyes

Your compliments are surface deep

We are nothing alike
You tell lies
I live here behind this disguise
Artistry Aug 2013
Waiting is the hardest part
I'm anticipating your face.
What is my greatest joy
Could turn to my greatest disgrace.

I'm afraid of possibilities
Afraid of what might be.

Afraid your heart will be weak
Your lungs won't allow you to speak

Afraid you will turn inward with autistic eyes
Afraid you'll use depression as a disguise.

What can I possibly do
But continue to anticipate loving you.
Jul 2013 · 951
Natural Birth
Artistry Jul 2013
I died a little that day.
The darkest pain
No words can say.

The stabbing and tearing.
Ripping and bearing.

Some call it beauty, but surely they forget.
I remember and there's nothing pretty about it.
The only thing pretty was you.

I resented the trauma you put me though.
I denied the drugs for the sake of you.
I denied them because I thought I was stronger than pain.
God help me I agreed to do this again.
Jul 2013 · 474
I grew you
Artistry Jul 2013
It was very easy to make you.
We did as we always do.
When your life began, I didn't even know.
With no effort from me, you started to grow.

Sometimes when I wake up, I forget your there.
Fleeting moments when I am unaware.
More and more you're a part of everything.
I go to sleep, you're every dream.

I imagine you'll come with violence as they all do.
Screaming and pain that I'll suffer through.
But you'll be beautiful.
A soft pillow with sparkling eyes.
A small angel in a human disguise.
Jul 2013 · 2.1k
Before I Met You
Artistry Jul 2013
Translucent fingers. Miniature toes.
Tiny eyes that cannot see.
Tiny lips that open silently.

I feel you move
And now... I know.

I've never been more sure...
Life is the disease - you are the cure.

— The End —