Sparks, imperial journey to the great gold
     it's day for shining
     dark for crying
     and pining
     deciding
     where to go? in this great blue world
I see lines
     better to remove the dust and
     grab whatever's floating

How would we stay alive for ourselves?
          Tell me what a real person is.
          Ask me what a real human is.
Green, I feel green
     in the face and the toes
     because green grows
     what the heart knows
Safety is gone
     but i feel alright. Just because it might go away doesn't mean I have to hold on harder, or bite down stronger.

Everything slips, because
     everything slips.
     Hang me on a string
     and rid the town of my modern making
They wanted a puppet
     but they gave me the wrong color
     the mismatched wood
     uneven cards and googly eyes
     that see too much.

Maybe the sun could bleach me
     back to a perfect dolly
     on the windowpane
     for your pleasure and my disdain
We could avoid the mess
     of dancing under Vega
     Aquarius is finally here
     and it only talks this way
     in the summertime
But I've learned to listen:
     love sets in after time, and distance is quickest.

I sent a letter admitting that it's partially my fault
     for losing myself in the hanging orb
     but internally I knew that distance is quickest
I sense a change above our hearts
     and it wants
     an audience
Maybe the stars know what to do?
     Down here it's not true
     to say we have any clue

If there only was a way to learn that Sparks in the sky
     are opportunities to try
          and lie less
          to be great and honest
     Learn that distance is quickest

Green: the spaceship of our baby dreams
     and quilt seams
     begging us to replant
     and re-*** and re-hash
     for a brighter future
     a lighter day
Wringing on my knees in the end
     to believe that distance is quickest
     and harmony's not already dead

Finally.
I know that Sparks exist
for me to recharge and rebuild.
They're green and they live in the sky
that we filled
they live in my art and the world's heart
so if safety existed: Sparks would not.
and the distance would look like time.

So tell me why I should be human
when I run so much better as a
shiny
porcelain
battery
backup
mind

Do all people find ways to torture themselves?
We could have colors
and blindness
stacked on our shelves

but we are keen,
enigmatic,
and desperately mean.

lay off the Pause button and I'll Play
the string of
your harp
that nobody else knew how to start
You're ******* welcome,
I'm glad you see I tried,
never did I imagine they'd ignore me when I
cried, or when I
stretched out my hand
for love instead of admiration
comfort instead of more opinions of their conceptualization
of my place in our ***** swarm of civilization

it doesn't mean a thing to be complimented
when you want more than recognition

Nightmares
You are still just
a flash or a scream.
The feeling of losing

my hold
on someone slippery,
for something fleeting

As a young girl, I suspected it:
the carnage of night
Who could have warned me?
How quickly I lost sight
of my role in a cuter world,
holding the brightest light, the guardian
devil, bring me back
to that old familiar cage fight

There are layers of stories within me
peeled back subconsciously where our
atmosphere can contact

It's getting close to a vein
my eyes go skipping over every sound
I'm panicking right now
intensive restructuring
I have lost my way

Vulnerable to pressure
and lonely
Desperate for a push
bologna
I feel so dangerous

I want to love
the warmth of your fire
I bet it feels good
to burn and burn away
Dissipate into ashy air
will you hold me higher
for now? I'm soft I heal quickly I don't disobey
the shear when
it creeps in too far. I get happier
when I find my own stars
I get angrier
when coach scrutinizes my arms

No amount of emotion will bring me closer to life
No color speaks to me
like the bright pigment
from my knuckles
in the corners of my cuticles
over these thighs and ankles

we are only alive briefly
thank god

I reached my arms out as nets in the sea
Said I was prepared to love what was in front of me
     (but I only liked to look at artistry.)
And I should've known that colors wouldn't be enough
The coral in my palms proved that life was always rough
I tried to apologize but they were already stuck in
Weighted like rainbows beneath my soft salty skin

Before I gave up I looked back at the blue
Filled with invertebrates that were nothing like you
And I knew what the plan was, to look again and to try
But by that time the coral were digging into my eye
So you see? It's uncomfortable, I was already hurt
I don't let anything infect my blood with dirt

That's always my excuse, I play it off way prettier
In purgatory they'll ask how I got even dirtier
Because I must look so clean while I feel so mean
Wanting to believe we are all ******* boring

But it can't be true.
Coral is beautiful and alive and every piece is new
But I could never enjoy it  
I'm the coral inside of you

Your fingers are on my throat
   the world is rocking like a boat
an ocean
is unbearable
because it never seems to end
   and all I can do is float

   Your lips are rosebuds that never stop moving
   and somehow I find my own disgust soothing
my fingertips
are numb
whenever I lose myself to the waves
   but you're deaf so I'm unsure what I'm proving

   Your move was the deadly spawn of knight
   I sacrificed my pawn, paralyzed by fright
we will protect
the king
from sicknesses like you, *******
   Checkmate. I never lose a single fight.

sometimes I think I picked you right up
an unexpected hobby
a book not from the library
the scariest soundtrack

sometimes I think you're a deliberate distraction
if you helped
if you stayed confused
if you didn't want that

sometimes we duel like sun and moon
Just let her be, just let me roam.
Just let us dance in our fancy pants.

sometimes I hate you
(I just hate loving you.)
Sometimes I hate you
(I just hate hurting you.)

sometimes for you, it
must seem like something of a bore.
You said it all feels
exactly the last time, just before.

the dark, dark, paralyzed shark
pincushioned a hole in the wall
and said, "remind me. why do we do it all?"
grief is a shiny stairway to ******
showering in syrupy Butalin
i'm so angry at these bad dreams
where did all the good ones go?
i'll never be near the moon, it seems.
i'll always be in my mind, trapped below
that **** who hides
in my teeth and in my skin
lurking trickily where the deepest sin collides
ordering me, ruthlessly: give in

i carry a ghost in my pocket
i can open it up like a deadly locket
revealing it as a helpless demon
ready for the routine depository
of its *****
does it need a piggyback ride
to our castle of ice and pine?
does it want to make its home
in my belly, my nails, my womb?

Someone call an EMT
who will scrape out the rut for me
a few good cleanings,
that's what I need
to finally put away
that black poppy seed
for long enough to try
using my voice at least once
before i get to die.

it will cackle with joy
if my heart suddenly fails.
i will omit all cholesterol
if that's what its punishment entails.
there's such a thin line between inspiration
and replication.
maybe life is meant to be tired
and this shape is all these continents will ever be.

i'm learning to fly
i come and go.
i float and grow.
beating my wings to a rhythm that I breathe in and out-
it sounds exactly like
a quick heartbeat
preying on rabbits and resting in trees
instead of running
becoming dead meat

i'm very good at hiding
i keep it up until I'm as hollow
as lightweight opaque
translucent paper
knowing it can't wait me out forever.
if i could plague it with apprehension
i'd follow him everywhere
and lie about my intentions
until he casually cheats life and leaves me
Here

i imagine there to be a sound of these wooden flutes
fluttering
white flakes by my eardrum
spiriting my shaking fingers
giving me an excuse for the palpitations
rising at the thought of my aggressor
placed inside my flower drawer.

maybe it is my undulating fright
maybe it is cardiovascular might
maybe it is a measurable blight
because i feel stuck in a daydream that steals my hair
and, with a wrenching force, my underwear
using the two to gag me with pressure.

then i wake up
in time, completely alone.
a window is glued under my eyelids
of a time
when I could part my lips on my own