when did I let normal become
fake smiles
oversized sweaters
sunglasses to hide my eyes

I've become an actress
the kind who can't distinguish
where the stage ends
and the real world begins

how do I unmask the pain
shed all these layers
laugh genuinely
become just me again

why was it so easy to spill my thoughts ashore
I wasn't afraid to see them travel, near or far

then you came along,
and I just couldn't let my anchor drop,


....why can't I tell you my thoughts?

tell me a story
one where we're so in love
& make sure the ending is a happy one

because I'm exhausted of turning tear stained pages with shaky fingers
always hoping
this one will be different

you build me up
meticulously,
stone by stone
you convince me I'm your support,
and I believe you
resolutely,
each layer you take away from me
I believe you love me

so why am I now scattered stones lying across the hardwood floor
watching you build someone else up
lovingly,
brick by brick
telling them, they're the foundation you'll always need
as if you knew from the start, I was never going to be enough

trace your hands across my skin
pull me closer
look into my eyes
find me

I'm
b
e
g
g
i
n
g

please, let me feel, once again
please, let me be me, once again

2:04am
fast car on repeat, I close my eyes

I see little me dancing around the table,
little me looking out the rainy window- waiting for you to come home

isn't it amazing that 19 years later
fast car still reminds me of that day

lovely words, once
gentle kisses upon my cheek,

now don't feel the same,
since hearing them from him

those words you speak to me,
scratch,
they dare to break my skin

your words,
I wish,
loved me like their intent