we danced the waltz and
yes i stepped on your toes and missed a few steps
but you also held me in your arms and swayed me back and forth-
whilst you whispered sweet nothings into my ear
and
when we were at our happiest;
in sync;
to the beat;
you walked out of the room and left me dancing in circles waiting for you to come back.

i called him my city
and so
before our door closed shut,
he asked me one thing
why?;
"it is nothing close to the countryside" i said
"polluted,overpopulated
-filled with wretched souls and dingy structures
dusty air and noisy traffic
and yet;
ill always call it home"

****,maybe its horrible to be lost in the thought of you.
Leaving me relentless,restless to break free.
But isn't it magic?
the veins that never shook now tangle over and under the skin i was once within.
and no matter how many times i chased the thought of you i was tangled.
and in fact you did not take my heart. My heart is here, beating;alive. Taking it would've been easier to bare.
You took what i thought could not be taken.
You tangled me within me,
when all this while i thought i was with you.
No,all this while the only person here was me.
so thank you,
for showing me that i can be a tangled mess,
that my veins can create loop holes on the surface of my bones,
that i can change and adapt and grow and be anything but ordinary.
Thank you.

looking back;
i hear the faint voices of my parents creep up my spine;
threatening to hurt those who hurt me
yet,
never to love those that loved me,
the contingencies of it all ablaze past me,
but i finally feel
what i couldnt see in their eyes;
the truth.

i hate it;
i ******* hate the way you hold me in your arms
-and make me feel like nothing could ever matter more,
and so i sat in the rain for hours
until i went numb
felt anything but your touch;
dancing on the tips of my skin
carving courtesies in the pores of my heart
and every drop burnt like acid
-because the rain was an intruder beginning the tango
when i had only ever learnt;
the waltz
so then my bones chartered swiftly with the violin that was your voice and with the waltz that is this heart

not all earthquakes
leave you shaken;
yet show you
-you had been standing still all your life.


(you were my earth quake,you shook life into me,and for that,i thank you. )

Saying I love you just hurts
its a void that can't be filled within me
because inadequacy has made me numb again
it has made you numb again.
So I settle for never being yours-
I settle for the freedom
you have mapped out in your veins
they travel through your skin
like roads you have yet to take
and I wonder if you will bring me with you..
But I already know the answer-
love is never enough to rid of these worries
you carry with you like luggage
and I am the worst kind of baggage.
People search a lifetime for a love like this
I have searched for 18 years
trying to convince myself it is real
but I have discovered just like everything else
it is eventually masked by the pain
and thrown away for self-preservation.
I am too selfless
maybe it's because I have little self worth-
spending too much time
making sure others do not feel the pain I do
but when it does come
this pain of mine-
no one knows how to react
they stand there because
this is not what they expected.
Leave me be if you must-
wander to places you will never see
follow the roadmap inside your arms
and the signs within your eyes.
I will never be fine
but I was this way before you traveled through me.
I was just a destination you had to reach-
another point on your map.
You always knew you weren't gonna stay
and I guess I was the last to know.