I’m having a hard time coping with the fact that you’re no longer in my life. ******* for making me feel this way when I shouldn’t feel a ******* thing! Someone said your name the other day and I pretended to be okay with that fact that the sound of it still broke my heart. Every memory that I had suppressed found its way back to the front of my brain trying to remain there in fear they’d one day be forgotten. I wouldn’t care if I forgot though, because maybe then I could move on with my life and think about things that are important now instead of back then. Because you left. No note, no text, no call, not even a sorry, goodbye.
I wonder every now and then if you’re happy with your life because I question if I’m happy with mine. Things aren’t the same anymore and I guess that’s okay because if they were I might get bored of the constant but I wish you would have been a constant in my life. I think my mistake was never having the fear of losing you because when I did I wasn’t ready for the blow I took when I fell and you weren’t there to catch me. I realize I’m not much of anything, not even worth a few words or minutes of your time. But I just don’t understand how someone can go from caring about you, really caring about you to not even recognizing you when you walk by.
My days felt like years and every year I grow older but I haven’t seemed to die yet, at least not on the outside. It’s cold most days and that’s completely okay because the warmth reminds me of you and those nights we’d count our stars and count the hours before the sky became lighter and swallowed the moon. I rather liked the warmth then, like the time it was raining and we walked to a bench but the breeze cut through my clothing so you hugged me tight and wrapped me in a blanket I stored in my trunk. I can’t even walk down my own hometown streets because we used to walk on those sidewalks and that marked the best day of my life because it was the first day we really spent together and the first time I actually felt something other than this terrible sadness.
I think about the moments when my best friend and I were dancing like ballerinas in the kitchen and the moments where we stayed up all night playing that stupid Dance, Dance, Revelation and you’d sit on that couch watching us just laughing. I miss that sound you know. The sound that always brought me back from the hole I’d always manage to sink into. I ponder the times when we’d go on those late night drives just to get away from everything and be alone with the stars, and on the nights the stars refused to show we’d go get doughnuts and talk over your coffee and my hot chocolate. We’d talk about life, whether I was happy or not, what I could do to help you out, all of our problems we faced together. I remember leaving that shop one night at 3am with you, and you smashed that doughnut into my face and I chased you for what felt like an hour. Or the time you bought a cake for me because I was turning 19 but when I was unlocking my car you yelled for me and I turned around in a panic only to have my face land right into the middle of it.
I was so angry at you, but you said it was cute. I must have yelled at you for hours because my hair was all matted and my clothes stained with that sickly sweet frosting but you said I looked so beautiful and that it was a good look for me. We did so much together and I remember every ******* detail. Everything. I never thought moments like that would keep me up at night, bring tears into my eyes that were already made of too much sea.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, even though it’s been over a year now and I’m happy with someone else, I still miss you. Because whether you were my first love, or second I still loved you.
And there’s no getting over that.
Please just let me sleep tonight.