my light on every gloomy day
balanced in your own unique way

eyes locking
unlocking the peace
peace from your presence
emerging beneath the sheets

if i was fire
you would be water

you probably don’t know
but when my body is encompassed with fear and pain
you turn the pain to snow
and evaporate it with the rain

when you’re around
everything becomes so easy and fun
so i’ll wrap up warm with your glowing aura
my sweet, caring little bun

it’s just not fair
feed her your leftover energy
then fuel her with your lifeless stare

and now we behold
this constructed spirit
purposely provided to fit your mould

a hollow container, she’s not alone
but she is conditioned so deeply
to lock up the unknown

who is she?
for now she is a deer

only very few can see
that she is combatting her fear

my body is a matchbox
full to the brim of kindling
posing as a lit match
flames stuck to me, so attached

i wore the flame
but the flame also wore me
wore me down
until my body became a ghost town

i’d flicker and light up
whenever anyone needed me to
but then fall apart so quickly
in the fingertips of you

keep going for more
there are hundreds to use, my dear
but keep an eye on the matchbox
because when it is empty,
keep the ash as a souvenir

spiralling out of sight
allowing the touch of fear
fear curling up in the corner
loving, hating, smiles & tears

losing the feeling of loss
doesn’t stay gone for long
back to the station
where I am dragged to the floor

smothered & pushed down
by a faceless source of energy
effortlessly mournful and grey
smelling like severe sadness

so much to smile about
but not finding the strength to smile
longing for that excited tickle of glee
maybe that’s over, maybe it’s this, maybe...
but just for a while

you’ve done well, i could say
on track, hitting targets, completing goals
well done for your progress today
i can see you’ve scraped enough energy to climb out of that gloomy hole

seems like a front
like some kind of stunt
fake it til your make it
that’s what they all say
but it actually works, just for today

plod along young one
make yourself proud
announce your self-forgiveness,
shout it so loud

remember to plaster on a grin
even if its false
because if you do
the relief will eventually kick-in

so well done
young one

at last I think I’ve realised
swirled through the motions
like a spinning top
with no intention to stop

like the key meets the lock
I reach for a reading
if it’s bad I’ll simply block
if it’s good I’ll keep believing

transparency cradles the outline of a storm
we can clearly see each other
notice the heat itching to come closer
each crack of thunder
indicates another victim being born

keep it short and sweet
time is carefully limited
allow the rage and agony to finally meet
because now,
nothing is prohibited

play me like a game
the more you play, the stronger you get
i start to pull away
trying to pretend we never met

what was life without this game
i can’t remember the feeling of peace
it’s unknown if i will ever feel a release

tear my spirit in two
rip my soul in three
split my heart in four
keep my body waiting for more

back to square one
i think i like you again
but we have so much fun
UGH. what is it about men?

you made my mind confused
just to keep yourself amused
good for you, get your kicks
and i’ll get my depressing fix

oh its spilling out of me
like luke-warm lava
supposed to be unbearable to touch
but actually is so familiar

i don’t want to welcome you back
the lump in my throat
the forcing back of tears
losing the ability to simply breathe

my stomach knots over and over
crossing paths as the hurt churns inside
waving at the butterflies
who have made my stomach their home

words racing round and round
pushing dread further and further down
until dread, despair and pain hide in every crevice

dread lurking in the shadows
depair tiptoes around my bones
pain hides and puts on its disguise

you know, the worst part is
i don’t know why
or actually i know that there are so many whys
and i can’t begin to use one as blame

so my aura takes the shape of my dear friend,
anxiety
welcome back i guess…
do you think if it cry, it will become less?

yes

nifty little brain
bringing a world of pain
world so complete
but pierces me with defeat
pierces through my heart
intentionally sharp
wearing a mask so sheer
so i only feel fear

developing a cycle
bravery is just an option
dangling off the cliff
cliff of gloom
if i fall
my future is doomed
future no more
so i hold bravery at my core

i only have the strength to cling on
that’s enough
for now,
for me,
until i’m gone

its alien
its alien to me
its alien to the youth of today

this dating malarkey

my generation
we can’t stay idle for two hours
forcing conversation
words with no meaning
deceptively beaming
at one another

its not natural you know
you ask me to meet
i can’t just get up and go
or is it me?
the anxiety?

its just not my cuppa tea

i’ll never know
shove me out of my comfort zone
making me realise I prefer to be alone

I greet the bed, quilt, and pillow

And to that soul-destroying sinking feeling…

its time to go

waiting for the storm to hit
feels like burning yourself
you don’t notice the pain
until there’s contact

you just have to wait it out
and trust the process

learning to love again
it’s a strange feeling
you don’t know if you’re making progress
no idea if your heart is healing

learning to love again
it’s like being naked in public
body is made of glass
face without its mask

learning to love again
i’ve become transparent
every scar, emotion & feeling can be seen
my soul displays where the pain has been

learning to love again
don’t assume i mean loving a person i know
my ability to love again isn’t consumed by a lover
but i doubt that would show

i have learnt
i am still learning
for true self-love
that is what i’m yearning

the death of a loved one
feels like using a single plaster
to heal a thousand stab wounds
& being expected to carry on as normal

can we live
at the bottom of the toothpaste tube
the part where no one can get you
and no one bothers to use you

string us along
like a chain of polaroids
some faded
some so vibrant

start the day when the party’s over
that’s when it really begins
unsure of who i will be today
or who i have been

can’t keep up, dozens of types
one word is all it takes
****, poke, provoke me
go on i dare you

so many dark things i could delve into
physical pain i could explore
but the thing that hurts the most
is the invisible knife coming back for more

the knife is made of trauma and pain
penetrates my skin
greets my blood
creating scars only i can see

i’ll hide my words
i’ll hide my sorrow
plaster on a smile
until tomorrow

this is the one thing I cannot get wrong
you can’t criticise this
you can’t be disappointed
this will not be analysed
to me, my writing is perfect

to you,
well…
I didn’t ask.

*****

i can’t quite comprehend
how frequent this feeling is
failure & disappointment is now a trend
i feel one step closer to death’s kiss

oh that sinking feeling when you lose your phone
the ridiculously impactful sense of loss
the lump in my throat has only grown
its not loss of a phone, it’s the knowing that our paths will never cross

sadness showers over me
soaking up my joy
rejection crippling me over & over
playing with me like i’m a ******* toy

**** this
**** me
*******

finally, **** this repetitive feeling too.

lurking in the shadows
lays a slumped figure
lost for words
lingering for love

lets get the party started!

today we are women in motion
clinging to our independence
whilst power radiates through our being

to all of the people who inflicted pain
they hurt & hurt, seeking power to gain
i know you hear my song
you’ve never seen me so strong

so run away, be very quiet
because guess what
i’ve started a riot

the flame ignites freedom
a solitude tear creates ease
we are free, much to your displease
walking together, without your demons

baked salmon and rosemary potatoes
i couldn’t believe that even you
could be reminded of warm sentiments like this

even more so i couldn’t believe
that i am something
to remember

the winding stairs
leading to the place
where all is unravelled

the furniture conceals vulnerability
but you‘re watching
the trauma gently oozes out
of the exhausted host

friday night was for an hour of chatter
driving home rehearsing what was said
sometimes wondering about the life you keep so close
other times completely lost in my story

now i bathe in the unknown
wondering if the future holds the sensation
of baked salmon and rosemary potatoes
accompanying my potential exploration

we paint our faces
stick scars to our skin
laughter dances around the room
nerves make an appearance from within

smoke machine switches on
smoke creeps around our ankles
music deafening us
lights blinding my friends

no sight
no hearing
no awareness
of the twists and turns this night takes

she’s bleeding tonight
it’s noticed but is unimportant
she resembles a statue
enduring the raid of her body

in her peripheral is the door
fleeing to an exit is not a choice
observing the intrusion  
aching for conclusion

surveyed until she is out of sight
silenced until alone
but at this point
she has turned to stone

words are tucked inside
safe from vulnerability
all she can release
are cries
cries which start to cease

and with arms wrapped around her
she will never be the same
only a shell of a person
trying not to accept the blame

losing track of something so simple
evaporating through my fingers
and hiding beneath the blades of grass
i call for it, but it only lingers

being chased by the unknown
it has just smashed a glass
purposefully rupturing all that is divine
pieces shatter everywhere, at last

veins ache for release
pulling at the heart
tugging at the long string of fear
sickened by the lack of escape,
so unclear

can you help sew my skin together
stitch it back to normality
glue on a new pair of eyes
because my old ones are lost amongst my cries

spark up
the flame
in my guts

take me to the time
when i open my eyes
and i'm not encompassed by dread

fear doesn't follow my every step
and we aren't always thinking 'what if'

what does it take
to just live in the moment

the answer is always time
to heal your mind
to hug your inner child
with yourself, to always be kind

i get lost and forget my identity
so can we just pause
and stop chasing that false serenity

I have ten minutes to write this poem
I spare myself ten minutes
Every morning before I leave
Ten minutes to try and just breathe

Ten minutes act like they’re in a race
The one hundred metre sprint
They’re winning, it’s clear to me
They want to escape my life, as fast as they can be

With five minutes to go I look around for inspiration
The cold cup of tea on the table
Winks at me for validation
I remember and drink it til it’s empty

Four minutes to go
Til I become the cup of tea
Desperately urging to evaporate
Silently waiting til one of them drinks me

Lucky me I have two minutes to spare
I’ll finish this poem
I’ll grab my keys, put on my shoes
Arrive at my destination and pretend to care

You stand so tall, towering over
Together and prepared
But deep down, are you scared?
Whatever you say goes, I hope my gratitude shows

Troubled, confused yet so sure
Do you think we’ll ever find the cure?
Losing your identity, it’s the cold-hard truth
I’ll never forget the sorrow you caused in my youth

Gentle, sweet and warm
Nobody senses your inner-storm
I’m sorry you can’t see the light
I’m not sure if there is one for you, you never put up a fight

Broken beyond repair
Life without your love is not one to share
I wish I could help in some way
But the loss hurts me too, so I stay away

You come and go so often
So meaningful at present, so easily forgotten
Thanks for all the good times, they were fun indeed
I must remember, romance should be a want, not a need

I know you inside out
I know what brings sadness, fear & doubt
You’re really trying, it makes me proud
Energy shines so bright, internal peace screams so loud

falling in the vortex of your eyes
we are enclosed
alone in the warmth of us
wrapped up in a bow,

a surprise

delving into the comfort of you
momentarily hypnotised at every glance
fallen into place
all from a stolen dance

getting the sensation of butterflies
indigo brushes past me
whilst lilac kisses my cheek

bringing even more life to my soul
i hope you feel as enchanted as I do
because I’ve started to feel whole
all because of that one stolen dance

good days
bitter sweet
but you know
it’s merely a treat

head in a bad place
buried in the sand
deflated balloon
tasted so bland

gaze into the distance
stare at the stillness
glance at your feet
just take a seat

try good thoughts
on the bad days
breathe just a little bit deeper
collapse and feel the rays

stare at the sky
and just try
try to connect

why do we stare at the clouds
imagining our dead relatives can see us
who fed us that lie
is that why I always stare at the sky

don’t read your book of mindfulness
lift the quilt
tuck every hair
can’t see me?
like you care

baffling how hard it can be
when you’re momentarily free
to document something so deep
about what you may feel

you think too much
please slow down
crazy starts to resonate
til you wear crazy like a crown

when will you realise
you’re wasting it
years will creep past
so shut the door to the demons who visit

warm sunshine presence whispering
forget, be free & have fun

oh wipe that smirk off your face
it’s easier said than done

to try will always be enough
as long as your efforts are true
things might feel a little less tough
lost, lonely girl of only twenty-two

Where’s

My

Mind

love will scar your makeup

mind is vacant
bones are aching
the warm shivers, the dull tingling
it takes over me, it becomes me

mind spilling over
question after question
who knew the huge difference between loss & lost
loss is my soul, lost is my name

feeling numb but feeling so much
head in the clouds
body in the crowd
you can see me but you can’t touch

that doesn’t stop you though, does it?
sick of the same ****
you repeat yourself all the time
pain repeats itself all the time

head ready to explode
heart ready to implode
all this is going on, but,
I am vacant.

vivid sights of flashing lights
music dancing around my ears
innocent fumbled dancing
body let loose whilst we clutch our beers

your stare was cold and evil
auric field becomes crimson
plan is clear, you slowly get near
i am unaware, but suddenly i am so bare

forceful and firm
my friend is now an enemy
i am frozen and paralysed
no one can hear my internal cries

numbness spreads like a disease
my innocence shatters
each section slashing my heart
only slightly so i still remain
but enough to endure the pain

your hand slithers around my being
parts you know you can’t touch
you think you own me, all of me
silent on the outside, when i want to scream so much

why me?
you took the power to reveal all of me
it wasn’t yours to take, it never will be
but that night, i belonged to anyone and everyone

countless tears, panic & sleepless nights
aren’t you lucky i didn’t blab?
was all this worth it?
just for a few unwanted grabs

lots of lost souls
traumatised beings
polluted and infected
unstable and rejected

making the decision to remain comfortably numb
or deciding to seek change
they step into your office,
and finally step out of their pain

on the verge of breaking…
a warm, lilac, reassuring presence rests on their skeleton
natural, comfortable, strong and feminine
delicately unpicking their man-made wounds

and eventually assisting us to blossom, love and live
this wise woman is in motion
so much depth and guidance to give
your light is so bright, consisting of security and devotion

we’re all on our journeys out of the fog
knowing that it’s going to be spectacular
simplifying and remodelling our internal monologue
with your help, we will eventually regain our power

you value the whispers of each symptomatic soul
welcoming every single dynamic individual
some are so mild & timid
but some are so rock ‘n’ roll

thank you for taking the time
thank you for making me shine
i now know its ok to not ‘be fine’
i am so grateful for your ability to re-align

so thank you, for one last time

x

the safety net no one asked for
clasping at the sides
tightening the jaws of betrayal
ever so quietly strengthening itself
each bite of your innocence
enhances the clutch

dismembering your freedom
stacking loyalty on top of love
laughing internally
laughing at YOU

the cloned feeling of fear
waits for the green light
meticulously planning the next attack

wait til it’s dark
wait til you’re in the darkest of places
and in that moment,
mortality is imminent

its one way glass
my eyes are one way glass
the window to my soul

i can see out
but you can’t see in

overflowing and flooding the room
following the glimpse of strength
overcome by the shadow of gloom

trying to understand
is like trying to build a sandcastle
with no sand

dipping in and out of sleep
screaming to be free
until the screams are weakened within me

your cuts heal quickly
but they are so frequent
on and off
on and off
like a persistent, infuriating tap

you’re out to hurt, it’s your guilty pleasure
you’re the predator, I’m your prey
my silence is your measure
my silence makes you stay

you possess the key, the ability to ****
I need, no,
I will take it back
and then when I bleed…

I bleed clarity

not pain