I take bright red ink

                  and decorate my arms

I haven't done this art

                  in a while


I take a clean blade

                  and double check my vitality

I have done this

                  every night this week

If I wasn't gay would people care?
Would they actually let me breath the same air?
Could I actually go to school,
without people being so cruel?
Could I live in a world with no hate?
Maybe people would love me if I was straight.
It's not as easy as people think.
I can't just go to a shrink.
I didn't choose to be this way.
You really think I'd want to be gay?
I don't want attention,
I don't want fame.
This isn't some sort of game.
I am who I am and thats okay.
Most people don't see it that way.
I only wish I could be the same.
To have a wedding and it not be shamed.
I want to have kids and not be judged.
I don't want my reputation smudged.
But apparently I'm different now.
Sick in the head somehow.
Therapy and shock treatment for something that can't be fixed.
How did I get put into this mix?
Toxic and tragic,
that's my life.  
It's like I was stabbed in the back with a knife.
I'm gay,
what's wrong with that?
I get treated like some rat.
Using your holy books and your religion.
To fight against something that makes no difference.
I want to be a human not a punching bag.
Always getting called a ***.
Let that word have power and it gets to you.
But that words as good as whatever is stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I love being this way.
I don't care what you say.

When i was 13 I thought that gay and straight were things that other people were
People that weren't raised christian
People that didn't have dads
People that were abused
People that i should pray for but not get close to

when i was 14 my best friend came out as gay
i didn't see it coming but i probably should have
she wore ties every day
and plaid shirts with the sleeves rolled up
and cut her hair short as soon as she could
but i didn’t see it because gay was other people

when i was 14 i watched as the news spread like wildfire
“did you hear? that girl is gay.”
I watched as people slowly backed away from her
people that knew her all her life
that is, the people that didn’t cut her off instantly

I watched as the youth group we had both attended asked her to leave
I watched as her drama group kicked her out because they were afraid of the yearly camp we went to
that somehow knowing that she was gay made her more likely to attack the other girls in their beds than the year before

I watched.
I didn’t do anything.

what changed my mind wasn’t a change of perspective on queer people
it still took me a year to decide being gay wasn’t wrong
but i decided that my best friend was someone i would stick with
because i loved her

I quietly stayed.
didn’t make a fuss, didn’t call people out when they called her names behind her back.
I should have.
but i didn’t.
I didn’t join in, but i didn’t defend her
i didn’t say to these people
*******
that girl is beautiful and amazing
and if you can’t see through your hatred then i don’t want to be your friend either
but i didn’t .
I didn’t go through what she did.
I didn’t get kicked out of anything, i didn’t lose friends

When i was 15, i got fed up
I left that drama group.
I stopped going to that church.
I stepped away from those friends and even though i never said why
the look on my face when i ran into them and they asked, “how’s she doing?”
answered that question for them.

I spent 24 hours examining my bible
trying to find the verses that say being gay is wrong
there were barely any
and they were right next to verses that said eating pork was wrong
or planting crops next to each other
or wearing two different fabrics

there was my answer.

this isn't a story of my journey.
This isn't me building myself up
“hey, I wasn't as bad as those other people
I’m good now”

this is a story of how one person can change your life forever

if i didn't have a gay best friend
what a way to start a story, huh?
if i didn't have a gay best friend then I would still be there
quietly praying for the sins of others, but not trying to understand
so don’t look at all Christians and say
they’re awful
they’re bigoted
they’re judgmental
because we are
but often it’s because we don’t know any better
teaching us kindly works
leading by example.

Far away
but I can see.
You are smiling
towards me?
Your head's leaned to the right
a bit.
Your eye, the left one
is undecided
whether to hide or not
behind your hair.
Away. Far away.
But I can see
the dimple on your cheek.
You smile sincerely
I believe.
You've narrowed your eyes.
Stupid sunbeam.
Away. Far away.
But I can smell
the scent pervaded all over you.
The summer air blended with a little sweat.
Far away.
But I can feel
the warmth in your hand.
But away. Far away.

@mosquito 06/11/2010

i wanted to write about the sea
but ended up jotting down things
about you and me

Standing over you as the pleading begins,
Forgive my father for the justice I bring,

You murdered my Husband and tore my life apart,
Laughed in the courtroom no remorse in your heart,
No fear of anyone or being locked inside,
Her majesty's prisons filled you with pride,
An animal in a cage with more privileges than my own,
provided for the brutal ****** of a man walking alone,

A test victim for the gang, so they would let you in,
Robbing 'the rich *******' widened your drug filled grin,
One punch, one **** as his head cracked off the ground,
The laughter of your 'friends' were suddenly drowned,
As my husband convulsed and took his last breath,
You cowardly ******* stole his life and left,
He would of survived if you gave him a chance,
You could have called for an ambulance!

Instead I’m without a husband and a doting father of two,
The love drained from my heart as my blood runs cold blue,
I've waited ten years to take your pathetic ******* life,
I'll Carve you into pieces with this butchers knife!
Or shall I make this easy? With a bullet in the head?
I doesn't really matter as long as you’re dead!

Please let me go, I beg of you!
Your children will have no parents, if you go through,
with taking my life, you would be the main suspect,
Burdened with ****** and full of regret,
your husband wouldn't want this from you.....

YOU DARE SPEAK OF HIM, ILL CUT YOU IN TWO,

I BEG YOU, AND I’M NOT THE SAME MAN!
I WAS JUST A YOUNG BOY, BRAINWASHED BY THE CLAN!!!

I live with the guilt every night and day,
Praying to god to show me the way,
I have a family of my own, I've made a new start,
You **** me now? You tear another family apart.
Look in my wallet, there’s a picture inside,
of my wife and my daughter the root of my pride,

I work for charities to help victims of crime,
to help children to escape from the gangs born from the grime,
I vow I won't tell anyone of what you have done,
I understand your reasons, and why they begun.

UNDERSTAND? UNDER ******* STAND?
Coming from the man that killed my love, with his bare hands?
The man that sneered as he looked me in the eyes,
Laughed at his sentencing as he watched my daughter cry?
Who walked out of prison and began a new life,
While mine was finished when I became a widow of a wife,
Taking medication to keep my suffering inside,
Being sectioned for my illness, my daughters are in care,
Your luxury of a life? Do you think that it’s fair?

I have no reason to live, no family left,
The only peace I will have, is to watch your last breath.....