The smell of cigarettes
Flows in and out
Of your coat pocket

And sometimes that hurts
Sometimes it hurts that
Although we still talk

We are no longer close
Do you know how old I am?

The wound is still fresh
I've aged, of course
But I still feel 12 years old, confused,
Excluded,
And abandoned

It still stings
When we don't have
anything to say to eachother

Still hurts
That the longest conversations we've had the past five or six years
Have been arguments

The smell of cigarettes
Follows your steps
And although I hate cigarettes
Hate the way you treat your lungs

It's calming
Because now I smell cigarettes
When you visit
And I smell them
In the arms of my closest friends
And I smell them
When people are struggling, but still getting by

I hate them
I hate the way they burn you
I hate how you know that they hurt you
And you still buy
Pack after pack
Because tobacco companies don't give a **** about about the 16 year old kid
Who's friends rely on the smoke in their chest
They don't give a **** about us
And our breath

I hate cigarettes
And I hate how
You do too
And you still can't get rid of them

I hate cigarettes
But it calms me to smell them

It calms me to know that
Things could be worse
That you've gotten better

That maybe you feel better

The smell of cigarettes
Huffs into the air
When you laugh with us
And when you joke

Do you feel better?

It seems you do, and yet
I worry
Because still you're struggling
And still your skin lays so close to bone
And you joke about it all,
But
Do you feel better?

I hate cigarettes
And I hate worrying about you,
But I have to.

Because as much as you made me cry,
You're also my brother
And when we were young
I didn't have memories without you in them

The smell of cigarettes
Is stuck in your hair
I can smell it
Even in pictures

The smell of cigarettes
Lies in your frail figure
In a smile that reaches your eyes,
And yet looks worn.
And too mature for your youth

I hate cigarettes
But the smell surrounds you.

It wafts from your being
when you acknowledge me
When you acknowledge Jupiter

and in these moments

I love the smell of cigarettes

Desk seats are warming
The room filled with
Still summer air.

The hazy film
Of warm weather
Rests on our eyes

Pulling our gaze out the window.

Focus is loose
Note taking bores
The scratching of mechanical pencils

Sniffle
Sniffle
Sniffle

Itching to play
As if we are
Back in elementary

Itching for a recess
Not an off campus lunch

Itching for youth

Itch
Itch
Itch

Rosy cheeks
Skin plump with sun

Not hot enough to hurt
But warm enough to shed our coats

The hazy film of pre summer air
Resting softly
In our hallways.

We itch to play
To run and laugh
Itching to dance
To stretch

Itching for sun

Itch
Itch
Itch

Itching for youth

Everytime you look at me
I feel sick

My cheeks flame
A fever blossoming in my chest

Casual touches
That my body memorizes
Filing away your movements
So I can fret about them later

I feel nauseous
Butterfly's climbing up my throat

You make me want to hide
Guard myself from embarrassment
But you also make me want to
Leave the house
Just to see you

I feel sick
Infected with your voice
Everything is funnier when you say it
Everything is brighter when you talk

I hate this
I hate me
I like you

A year ago
I wrote you a poem
About birthdays
It was a love poem
It told you my fears
Of you leaving me behind
My nightmares of laying in bed alone and sobbing your name in my sleep.

March 9th 2015
I was so scared of you leaving me
I was scared that I wasn't enough
That it wasn't enough
So I gave
And I gave
And I gave
And you took
And took and took and
You stole from me
Ripped at my skin and
Left bite marks on my neck
Your saliva running through me

And you took and took and took
Until there was nothing left of me
Except for fear
And self loathing

I thought I wasn't enough
So I let you steal
I bit my lip and silenced my crying
Letting tears fall when you
Couldn't see
I thought it would be enough

I tried to tell myself it was fine
Tried to will away the fear
The icky feeling in my chest
Between my legs
Tried to tell myself I loved you

Birthday ***
Birthday ***
Birthday ***

You took and you took and you took

Birthday ****.

March 9th 2015
A year ago I was scared of you leaving
March 9th 2016
Now I'm scared of you coming back.

I want you
I want you to lay next to me
Sleep in my bed for just tonight
Let me hold onto you
Let me trap your legs
Between my thighs.

I don't own a plain pillow
Because nothing feels right on my neck
Except a chest breathing in an out
To the tempo of a deep rest.

I want to be able
To avoid the nightmares
Because someone's there and
No one else can touch me
I want to know that
No one else can touch me.

I want to feel protected
And loved.
I want to feel important
And needed.
I want you to want me.

Let me hold onto your shirt
Ball my hands into fists
Cling onto you.
Let me sleep next to you.
That's all I need.

Close to me
Trading shirts and I
Feel your skin on mine
Casual touches,
Never been more than friends
Although we once wanted to,
I might still want to.

I'm scared because you
Make me feel something
And I don't know what it is.

I'm scared because I
Feel something for
Too many people.

I'm scared because
I don't know what I can agree to anymore
Because the last time I said yes
I breathed in on a no.

I'm scared because I love you
And I'm still not sure how.

Close to me
Trading shirts and I
Love you.

And I'm scared
To let you know.

Her lungs are filled with
Hurt and
Words and
***.
She smokes in hopes
Of burning you away.