Anxiety is a **** curse.
You are sabotaged by your own body and mind.
It twists your reality like it's in your DNA.
Makes you believe you are not worthy or friendships,
love or even your own reflection.
Choices come in small, extra small or sleep until it's over.
Doubting the safety of the ride to work
or if staying in bed will **** you first.
Is it better to be sick or cry.
To shake apart or hold it together.
Intrusive thoughts are a plague
but maybe you'll die from that too.
Your heart reminds you it can stop at any moment
and to prove the point it then beats so loud
even the dog can hear it.
You don't know why it happens
because your brain is on lock down
and there's nothing you can do about it.
Your very bones betray you
shaking like they have nothing better to do..
like hold you up.
Anxiety takes you hostage
and the ransom you pay
is the freedom of feeling normal.

I am in limbo
      between universes
between stars
I am ensconced
       in my own light
in tangible luminance
stored deep inside
                   tiny
                      glass jars
I am whirling into new orbit
     as I take on this luster,
                 this shine
I furl forth choices
in magic spells weaving
                   and take back        
what was always
so rightfully mine
I now hold the staff
      that will part the seas
of my new way
       in this labor
because, honey, there
ain't no time
to waste
no horse
        no glowing, knighted savior
Until this hour
              I was crawling
         but I now I start to rise
as I have my final say
               and the northern lights
         spew out from behind my eyes
I am through with
          this land of ice, land of jagged spires
It is time to bust up
             all those submissive plans
          and spray the whole
place with arctic fire
yeah time to mark it
juice it up
till it licks up pain, till it burns
release pent up years
              of unneeded conflict,
of tensed up
           twists and turns
so just you try
to break me apart
as I try to navigate
between tectonic plates
on two lands
The only knight here
          is my own true self
the situation neatly
in my
     hot little hands

I miss you with every particle of my being
I am burning
I am dying
I still love you and I am trying to move on
All I want is to go back in time
To one day when things were good
A day when you and I were happy
Because we made each other happy
I just want one last day
One last kiss
One last time with you in my arms
One last day where you still love me
Just one day to spend with you
By my side and in my lap
Watching movies and cuddling
And loving each other as we once did
I want to wake up from this nightmare
And call you
Tell you a story
And know you still love me
If only you still did

Pulled memories from
my brain
In this instance
These diluted things
Foggy like the day
My sight grows dark this
dreary night
Hours became yesterday and
minutes this fortune
this grain of sand

This colorful strain
a single thread from my thought

Faces only remind you of
How lonely you are,
You say you've swam too far
Into the sea of your regrets
That I am your lifeboat
But didn't you hear
I sank long, long ago?

You've been searching
For a new home,
One that doesn't creak
Or shudder at night.
But homes are not people
And your voice cracks
As you point out
There's a welcome mat
By the front door
But I never answer
When you knock.

It's been a while since
I started attracting
Strangers with flashlights
To search me like
A haunted place.
I finally realized they
Were the ones that
Needed scaring away.

It's so odd to think,
You once told me
You saw beauty
In clifftops,
And I thought you
Were talking about
The view.

most nights
i'm only loving you
in fragments,
i'm only loving
you in death

i wander your
mind like a child in
search of it's mother,
but you were
orphanages
not loving homes

only drugs can
compare to
the feeling of
disillusion
i had when i was
with you.

i love you,
i crave
you

I stay up for the moons
Quiet gaze
The light by the bedside
Carves shadows of you
Into my bare frame
The air itself is naked
Vulnerable of all scent.
I kissed you thrice,
One on the lips
For devotion,
One on the ribs of
Your teeth,
On the elbow of your
Favourite book.
As all writers do.
I created that arched frame
That pulled your
Tendons tight
To my inked sheets,
Shot you into blind space,
While I teethed on
The bow of your
Fingertips
Our skin tarmac,
There was roadworks
Of our bed.
Toes dancing morbidly
Between bursting stars
While night gulls
And ravens watched
Through the window
Waiting to peck
At the mangled carcass
Of our hearts.

they make goodbyes
sound easy
when they're at your door
late at night
and they scream your
name like a warning
from the bottom
of the staircase
you leave them,
until apologies make
your tongue as raw as
saw-dust
those nameless boys
the one's with
smoky breath,
they write your name
to the skies
constellate it to their
forefingers and cross it
over their forehead
like a baptism
those boys with hands
that eat like worms
at the dying heart
of your feelings
no, they don't love you
only death can
love you,
nameless girl
with the
countless faces.