Are you leaving 

is he staying 

or are you just going home

will he hold you

will he kiss you

or will he just let you go

oh little starlet

keep on shining 

even when your all alone

keep that light on 

don’t you dim yourself 

even when he tells you go 

The other night when he was sleeping 

you packed your bags and left

to the field

where you first met

underneath the shining stars

He told you you were beautiful even in the dark

The stars they could not compare

to the beating of your heart 

His arms were strong and you were falling

into the summers hazy start

Are you leaving 

is he staying 

or are you just going home

will he push you

will he shove you

or will he just keep you close

Don’t get your hopes up 

when he calls you

He’ll only bring you down

every word that comes out of his mouth

are just the pleas of a jaded man

oh little starlet

please move along

plenty more will come and go

this ones just a warm up

for the next few ones

are you leaving

are you staying

or will you just let him go

I feel like a clock that won’t stop ticking

no matter how much i want to shut up

round and round i go

repeating the same motions
to the point where i feel sick

when i reach the twelve
i like to tell myself that i can’t erase whats happened
i can’t forget but i can move on and learn from yesterdays mistakes

i still don’t like to call you a mistake

As i hit one
my resolve is steady and thriving

I deserve to be seen and to be treated like i ******* mean something

Somewhere along the way i lost what i believed in so strongly
I’m trying to find my confidence again
As i hit three
my mind is becoming jumbled
maybe from all the alcohol I’ve consumed
but hey who knows

I like to say i just want him gone but its taking everything in me to not talk to him

i miss his smile
his presence
his voice
I remind myself he wasn’t thinking of me when he was with her

As i hit five
the anger riots through my body and courses through my mind

Frugal ******* wouldn’t spend a dime on me but for her he could spend 70 dollars on the ticket and a hundred on the tux

it doesn’t add up

As i hit seven
my anger turns into a pathetic moping that i told myself i would never participate in when it came to him
i tell him to leave me alone
he doesn’t even fight back

i don’t want to give up
he’s left me no choice
i can’t even tell what time it is anymore some type of liquid has been leaking from my eyes for the past hour and i still don’t want to admit that they’re for him
I will not be weak

My limbs are growing heavy
my resolve is wearing thin

all i want to do is let him back in

I thought i meant more to him
I guess i never did

so **** him

Ive come to the conclusion that even though i always wear my running shoes, it doesn’t mean i can outrun everything

The roads
they lead to somewhere
You don’t know where you’ll end up
you might not want to end up anywhere
your always going to come face first with a dead end

I burnt my hand purposely the other day
so that i could feel a tiny ounce of emotion for a change
all I’m left with is irritated red skin
A reminder that despite the amount of pain i have stored inside
i still feel nothing
Laughter cascades from my lips
pleasantries tumble through my slight smile
The truth perches itself on my tongue
idly and patiently waiting for the day when i let it out
I hear its sighs when i speak
i feel the disappointment radiating from it in tsunami waves
Its a constant bad taste in my mouth that no amount of lyrsterine can rid of

“aren’t you tired of holding me in?”
it whispers after every conversation

I cover it up with more futile words piling on top of each other till i don’t even remember what i believed in at first
ironic how the thing that exhumes me is the one that buries me
Rip my chest open and haul out my insides
I’m afraid all you’ll find is a note saying
“ no one home, been gone for a while”

Cut along my skull with a scalpel and expose my brain
I’m afraid all you’ll find is little workers packing up their bags, glancing up and saying
“ Your efforts are nugatory, theres no sign of sentiment here”

Cradle my heart in your palms and feel the beat
I’m afraid it’ll crumble and disintegrate into dust
Sifting through the remnants you’d find a crumpled paper saying
“ If found, its too late”

The word Unhappy resonates through my head
pounding at my brain
oozing from my eyes
unhappy
morose
doleful
the list goes on

Im afraid of change
i’ve been unhappy for so long that the thought of not being terrifies me

Sometimes I have to lie to my mind in order to get some sleep at night

I am not proud of this

Sometimes I have to shut down everyone around me in order to temporarily forget about the anger I keep shut inside me

I am not proud of this

Sometimes I have to run so hard in order to make myself feel pain caused by myself for a change instead of others

I am not proud of this

Sometimes I open my heart so wide but always end up stitching it back up again in order to mend the broken thought that I can’t fully feel connected to anyone

I am not proud of this

Sometimes I let other people’s voices wash over my own in order to make them happy

I am not proud of this
Sometimes I allow myself to get taken advantage of, as if the chances I reluctantly keep giving out will make a person change their selfish ways

I am not proud of this

The word “*****” hangs over my head lit up with fluorescent lights flashing wildly
Sometimes I can’t find any power in myself to curl my lips into a sly smile, I just can’t do it

Some days I am weak, moody and impenitent 
I can’t deal with anyone’s **** let alone my own
The need to be alone is conspicuous and demanding, beating me up to the point where I may just concede
I have to make friends with myself again, I just need some respectful space in order to do so

i remember looking at the clouds
thinking how alone they looked
Appearing to share each others company
but at the same time looking so distant
Ive always sympathized with them
i would lay and watch them pass over me for hours
wondering how they knew where to go even when the path became dark
The stars don’t shine like they used to
they’ve dimmed to a slight glow
the light doesn’t seem to be in my reach anymore
I’ve stopped wishing on shooting stars whats the point of believing when you know what your believing in is a lie
only kept alive with counterfeit faith
only there to deceive yourself rather than everyone around you
Freckles dust your shoulders and cheeks
i cant help but imagine each one being a lie I’ve kept alive for your sake
There were millions
the thing i love about you most can somehow represent what i hate about you just as much
You’ve never held me the way you did today
i should be happy
instead i feel the exact opposite
Numbness and detachment blur my vision and block my thoughts
I’m left staring out the window while you gently kiss my neck
I’ve become the clouds
alone amongst the masses
You make me call the shots
thats not what i want
i need someone to tell me
what to do
where to go
how to speak
lately Ive been tired of holding so much responsibility on my shoulders
you nuzzle your nose with my own and gaze into my eyes
i really don’t want to let you go
You ask whats wrong
i answer with my new catch phrase
I’m tired
if only you could see that i mean Im tired of this routine

Somehow I’m able to feel so profoundly but at the same time feel nothing at all

i blame it on my ****** up character

lack of trust
fearfulness of intimacy
drifting apart
getting hurt
losing them
being alone
The loneliness clutches my wrists, breathily whispering
“you’ve driven everyone away, the ones you love so dearly are either dead, dying, or gone because you made them leave.”

The word goodbye slams around in my head
thrashing around and whacking the walls
this must be what my headaches originate from
I can’t just keep you around for my sake
my fear of being alone
I have this need to be with someone
but when i am
I’m not there at all
When you held me i felt nothing at all
only the warmth of your body and the scruff on your chin
My kisses were too hard
my touch too callous
all my motions seem to be rehearsed
Im beginning to think that we’ve lost our touch
I’m not sure if it was ever even there to begin with.

I never realized darkness could be understanding
until i gently embraced the demons howling in my body
they pounded and screeched
trying to throw me off of them    
eventually they melted into my arms and whispered in my ear
they just needed love
I held their fists and opened them
coaxing their palms to face upward
I rested My hands on their shoulders and eased them to relax their tense muscles
I smoothed the wrinkles their foreheads held
formed from their constant state of worry
I placed my hand on their hearts
Telling them anger held no resolution
The only outcome they would find their selves faced with would be them standing alone in a room
with so much love in them but no one to give it to
Anger is what drives people mad
it starts with a slight burn that courses through your veins  
enveloping your body with a warmth unbearable
to the point where you contemplate standing **** in a blizzard just so you can feel numb again
You thought the numbness was bad?
wait until you feel so much that you regret ever telling it to leave
The only response i received was a brief
“you’re the one that controls us.”

I lowered my hand and walked away      
the snarls and banging started up again in full force
The more my mind spiraled the louder they became

How can i have control when everything in my life seems to be out of my control?

The blood wasnt pumping anymore.
  your body can still thrive without a brain but never without a heart
I think thats why ive always felt dead.
  My heart was bitter and black, the only sound escaping it were the whispers of envious mad men looking for their sanity.
  Love didnt have a home in my body, only a motel room where it would come and go but never stay long. Dissarayed sheets and the lights off, hands searching for love but only finding lust.
  I learned to never beg for it to stay the morning after, it always left when the sunlight flitted over last nights empty promises.
  If love ever came knocking now i wouldnt have the slighest clue, id slam the door before it even stepped a foot in.