Everyday that goes by, his heart gets a little weaker. we used to joke that he didnt have one, now he actually wont.
                                                           ­               

  his voice used to resonate through the house, rattling the walls and slamming the doors. we used to joke that we’d be better off if he’d run out of breath, now he actually does.

  some days i try not to breath so i can feel what he feels when hes gasping for air. fear clogs my throat and blocks my vision. im not sure if its fear for him or for myself when hes gone.

  ive been spoiled since birth, never having to put anyone before myself growing up, always getting my way. now i know what i want most of all out of everything in my life but the only response i hear is the yelling and stomping of my tantrum attacks, god looking at me and saying see you cant always get what you want.

  In times of crisis i always retreat into myself, finding shelter in my thoughts and words. This time though, theres no solace in my mind, only panic and hopelessness making me want to escape. The voices get loud and they shout what if, what if, what if. A 50/50 chance isnt a lot to hang on to and everywhere i grasp my hand comes up empty. Trust isnt my strong point and i cant trust a possibility.

  Im afraid one day ill get a letter titled “mesages from beyond” and each one will say “you couldve done better”.

  Im looking for something like hope but every corner i turn is silent and dark. The quite used to relax me but now it surrounds me, all i can hear is the echo of my voice.

  The fort i built around myself is crumbling at a fast pace, all my gaurds betrayed me leaving me when i needed them most. winning this war looks unnattainable by myself, how do you win when the enemy can only be defeated when the person you want to save is deafeated too?

   The only letter i want to get is one saying “you did the best you could”.

She never got to say goodbye, the world was ripped out of her hands the day he left. 
Love was something she didn’t want to understand anymore, she wanted to crush it up in her angry fist, never letting it touch the light again. 
Happiness was something always attainable to her when he was apparent in her life.
  
his touch, his scent, his smile, his words
  
she couldn’t find them anywhere
   
The world was big but never too big for the both of them, she scoured every dusty corner, every spotless room for his essence, it was nowhere in sight.      
  Every floorboard she stepped on creaked, almost collapsing underneath the grief she fostered inside of herself.  
  Being comfortable with being alone was something she took pride in, but loneliness, it was uncharted territory. now she only had the thought of him to keep her company, his jokes would recycle themselves in her mind, their conversations replayed on repeat.  
  when he left, he took the sun with him leaving her in darkness. 
five years went by and still not one sign of him. Somehow he was everywhere, but nowhere at once.
  The grief she carried had become a lover to her, their relationship was complicated. Mainly consisting of anger, regret, numbness, Sadness and confusion but it was driven by love.
  He loved to paint, communicating himself through the strokes he made. Every dab of color was a dab of his mind, intricate and complex. If you thought you lost him, you’d only have to go walk down to the beach. there you would find him, paint brush in hand and an easel in the other. 

  She sat the other night for the first time in his studio, the room was filled with dust and his mind was everywhere. Five years, no one had entered this room and his essence was everywhere.
  A covered up painting lay propped up in the corner of the room, she walked over to it. slowly unrobing it she found herself staring at his face, his brown eyes glistened with the knowing look he always had.
  
five years, she had finally found him

I keep the door unlocked every night incase you ever decide to come back 
      
  Strangers have only entered, i had tea with a burglar once and he told me love wouldn’t come home if it already found a new one
  After he left i locked the door and told myself Love would have to knock from now on

Some days I miss you so much that I can hear all the murmurs of the people I've crossed in my life telling me to give up.
  I used to carry you with me wherever I went with the backpack you always used to use, but the other week the zipper broke and all the memories I had of you came spilling out. One by one they slipped through my fingers and I realized how easily someone could leave you with nothing.
  Materialistic objects aren't everything and I know that how much You meant to me isn't measured by the number of things I have left of you. Sometimes I just want to hold something that belonged to you and be able to channel your spirit for a moment.
  You left on a Wednesday and every Wednesday since has reminded that you can miss someone just as much as you can love them. I wish I would've loved you more when you were still here.
  Every smile I receive is a sign that maybe you're still trying to make me happy. When I walk to school I see the Same man jogging with a giant smile overtaking his face. The other day he ran past me, looked me directly in the eyes and said I hope you have a good day, with a smile that I swore I could see your face in. I think I found a little of you that day.
  I've begun to accept that I can't carry you around all the time but what I can do is sit you on the top of my tongue so that whenever I speak, a little bit of you is still put out into the world.
  Silence and solitude is my reverie but I know I need to put myself out in the world in order to get Anything back, You taught me that.

How can someone love me when I don't even love myself?
  I miss the ocean, it was the closest thing to love I've ever felt. It was winter and the water was numbing, to the point where you couldn't decipher your toes from your fingers. Im not religious but when i floated there with my arms spread, my face up and my eyes wide open to the blaring sun, i swear i felt god smiling at me.
  Every time i go in the ocean, i feel reborn and alive. I'm not religious but every time i go under and then surface, i feel like I'm getting baptized all over again. If the warmth you feel when your laying out in the sun is gods blessing, than i think I've found him.
  I can't throw myself selflessly into faith
How can i trust someone that might not even be there when i can't even trust myself?
  I miss the mountains, it was the closest thing to love I've ever felt. It was summer and my independence skyrocketed. Im not religious but when i stood alone, outside my tent on the grassy plain, staring at the sherbet sunrise, i swear i found my heaven. If the purity of the rain falling on that mountain is god showing me the million chances i have to start anew, than i think I've found him.
  I can't throw myself selflessly into faith
  How can i believe in someone I've never seen when i can't even believe in myself?
  How can i devote myself to someone when i still need to devote myself to me?
  How can i open my heart when I'm afraid to let any ounce of hope in?
  How can i live life to the fullest when I'm already filled to the brim with despair?
  How can i hand myself over to you when i know you can't answer the questions I'm dying to find the solutions to.

I thought I could escape everything If I kept running
but now I've broken both my legs and without you as my crutch, I'm not sure I'll find the willpower to walk again.
  The other day I realized you can prolong the pain for so long but eventually you're going to have to come face to face with it.
I still can't look you in the eyes.
   I swear I can still feel your calloused hands on my lips, They keep me quite and passive. I lose the urge to speak whenever Im around you.
  When I look in mirrors all I see is a little girl staring back, eyes wide and apprehensive. Her hands are shaking and her teeth are chittering, shes breaking down on the inside.
  I wore my boots today to feel confident, maybe if I walk loud enough people will finally acknowledge my tread.
  Im tired of tiptoeing around, I will stomp my feet until everyone hears the pain Im trying to resonate. You always told me i was too loud, I hope I shatter your eardrums now.
  You cover your ears and shush me, I shrink down to the size of my heart, indecisive and weak.
  My father always said patience isn't our families strongpoint, I'm trying to change that. I keep giving you chances because I'm tired of expecting the worst out of people. Maybe I'm more like my dad than I'd like to admit.
  I want you to prove me wrong, I need you to try.

The messier we got the messier my room got. I always say your room is a reflection of your mind.
  Clothes piled on top of each other, doubling just like our problems.
  I couldn't bring myself to clean it all up.