Letting go is the wind during a storm, your emotions playing a tug of war.
No she isnt ready, let her grieve, let the stars give her a sign when she may start to be her old self again.
But what if this old self does not exist anymore. this new one is the real you,formed by tears, divorce, death, drinking and things your eyes cannot unsee. your friends say
"why are you so quite today?whats wrong"
i feel like shouting "DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME."
what if i want to be secluded in my own thoughts.
im still grieving
Let Me Remember What Could Have Been.

I need peace and quite, I need a steady state of mind.
The world is rotating slowly but my feet keep stumbling.
The words I want to say perch idly on my tongue only seeing the daylight when soft false words selectively tumble from my mouth in an orderly zigzag.
My mind whispers “speak your truth” but my lips speak the opposite

Our evening would be filled with playful banter
Full of “hows it feel to be an old man now!”

“50 more to go!”

“I’ve already reserved your spot in the nursing home!”

“I’m so grateful to be here with you celebrating this milestone in your life”

You would say this isn’t a sad day, this is a happy day, I’ve made it 50 years countering every move made to beat me

You’d eat tons of cake and we’d drink cafe con leche after everyone leaves

This is only one day out of so many more to come. This set back does not define you, it’s only a folded back tab in a book, that you will look back to every once in a while when you yearn for clarity.

Live for the promise of an uncertain outcome. Stop worrying yourself to the point of fatigue about what you think your future needs to have to make how you lived your life seem successful. 

Breathe
Live for the promise of one day being able to unabashedly love with the force of a tsunami. So many people will pass in and out of your life, let them go when it is time. Learn from the lessons they brought to your attention. Look back fondly on the times you spent with them, not bitterly. let them move on to their next stage while you move on to yours.
You have so many years to live, call them up in 10 years and see if they found what they were searching for.

Breathe
Stop waiting by the phone for a response. Be what you make yourself out to be, No more excuses. Be gentle, trustworthy and patient.
Breathe
This will pass.

Sweaty palms
Pulsating heart beat

Shaking body
Are you anxiety or love?

Is there a difference between the two 

They both end the same

They never stop

I will sit with these little monsters 

Crawling inside my blood

Nestling into my body
Finding solace in my mind

Making me their home

Give them a warm blanket

And ask them why

She was the monster under the bed

Always lurking, never real till I brought her up

She was the coat in the closet

You wore it when you needed comfort and warmth
She was the elephant in the room

Blatantly visible to me but never you

She was the shadow behind you

Everywhere you went you brought her with you

She was the ghost haunting me

Taunting and teasing my anxious mind

She was the puppeteer

Pulling all the strings

She was the excuse

I used her to compensate for why you didn't try harder