And it seems like at two a.m
Heartbreaks are the loudest
Because the humming of people has died down
The city is asleep and you're finally alone

But beyond this shattering that you hear
There is a silence in between where threads find your cracks and pull gently to begin Stiching
But you know darling handmade takes the lonegst

I am building a brace for the front porch
of my brother who is on the other side
of that door listening with headphones
to a recording of Chinese poetry
(in Mandarin, which he understands)
while he is dying, slowly,
brain cell by brilliant brain cell
in that rocking chair
whose joints are creaking,
coming undone.

He no longer remembers his phone number
or how to count change at the grocery store.
He is in denial of any problem
as he grows younger, ever younger
shedding years like snakeskins
while the crack in the porch grows wider, ever wider
so out here in the rain
I set four-by-fours upright as posts,
then I **** four-by-eights as beams
     lifting on my shoulder
     held by my hands
     pushing with my legs
     transferred through my spine
     anchored by my feet
as the useless joists of the deck
drop termite **** onto my eyebrows
like taunts of children:
nya nya you can’t fix this.
But I can brace it for a while.

Long enough, at least
for my brother to forget ten languages.
I will repair that rocking chair.
I will buy diapers, rubber sheets,
install grab bars in the shower.
I won’t let his porch collapse
out here in the rain.
I will cradle these boards
like a baby in my arms.

The difference between
in love
and love
is a dispute through every relationship I have had.

Poindexter says;
the greatest second you will
ever have on this earth is
the exact moment you fell
in love.

I remember, looking at your face
through a computer screen
and reminiscing on our moments
and I remember that moment;
you were laying on the bed
yellow wallpaper
orange mattress
faded sheets
bare back to me
freckle constellations
and I touched you
and fell in love.

and you said, "I love you"
and I pretended I couldn't hear you just so you would say it again
"******, of all the times to cut out, THIS is when it does?!"
I smiled.


I remember another moment
another human
laughing
bright smile
hair long and sheen
slender and poised
boots
leggings
eye contact
and I fell in love

and you said, "Do you love me?"
and I ran away.
Heated face.

On your bed, another human
you said the words
and I had already fallen
and been in that vulnerable state for weeks
already said I loved you in french
to which you said, "No, don't say that"
"Too soon"
And you were leaning against the wall
guitar in your lap
fingers strumming
staring at me tenderly
"I love you"
"What?" I said.
I ran again.
and now, empty handed

uncomfortable in my next encounters
shying away
even more venomous am I now.
Disgusted with love
and with being in love.
Wanting anything but.

you leaning over me
"Because, I love you."
and me saying carefully
"I'm in love with you."
discomfort in my body

Not wanting to waste precious words again
but I did anyway
throwing them about.
just like I threw others about
tearing up hearts
relentlessly.
tearing up lives
effortlessly.
tearing up people
nonchalantly.

a dangerous siren.
remembering each moment
she fell in love
and wondering;
was it real?

I always loved that movie,
Particularly the part
When he asks her
Why the city has no walls
And therefore how can it shield itself?
She answers readily by explaining to him
That most of the dangers
The city will ever face
Come from the inside.
It is the same sort of dangers
I feel a safety from
While in your arms.
Inside of the fold of your arms
I find safety.
Not from any outside threat
That may be lurking,
But a quiet safety from the constant war
Inside of my own mind.
When I am within your arms
The war grows calm and silent,
In a way it never does.
The feeling like I can never catch a breath
Disappears at the touch of your hand,
And for once I can breathe.
Inside of your arms,
I can do what should come naturally,
But I can never seem to accomplish.
I can breathe.
I can breathe.
With you
I can just be.

I'm not who I was before
All moments awash upon your face
Including those upon which I witnessed your tears
A solid lifetime of grace

Now that we are here, the pain and anguish of every day
Has become a tangible play
A busted rift in time and reality
But given everything
I think I'm doing okay

As I lay in my bed,
My parents scream,
I lay in my bed and ignore the things they say,
Today my parents decide,

Tomorrow the aftershocks will be felt,
But today I lay in my bed and reminisce about the past and future,
Tomorrow tears will be shed,

Fits will come out,
Counciling will be in session,
Custodies will be settled,
But not today,

I'll sit in the car as we drive,
Avoiding any form of eye contact,
I wonder if I was responsible for this,
Maybe I was,

Tomorrow I will consider it farther,
But today the family needs to be consoled,
We have to stick together,
So today I will forget about my... the thoughts in my head and consider the family.

Today I hug my sister,
Forgetting the awkwardness,
She cries,
I letting go of my pride cry with her,

We go out and just talk more,
Unable to handle the situation by ourselves,
Tomorrow we will be closer,
But today her and I just cry together,

You baked for me the world
smelling of bread
of childhood
still warm
from words and emotions
Your hands full of memories
stopped time for me
run out from my poems
I will hide you in dreams.