You'll envy every bit of unblemished skin
You see on those without it.
You'll wonder why you never seem to win.
You think you're well, but you're falling into a pit.

You'll cry more tears than ever.
You'll cry as if everyday you've lost,
And sometimes it feels like you'll never
Cry again.

You'll count the cost
Of living
When so tired of giving
You'll slip away,
Vowing to not see the next day.

They'll tell you of all the pain
It will bring to them
When your tears fall like rain
You'll be too numb

To think of anything else
But the road to your death
You'll see your belts
And wish they would take away your breath

You'll lose, you'll gain,
You'll forget who you were.

I don't know when my depression started.
Maybe it was the weeks on end spent in bed,
Or maybe it was the desperate wish to sleep forever.
Maybe it was the day spent thinking I'd be better off dead,
Or maybe it was the apathy towards every part of life.
Maybe it started with the cuts on my legs,
Or maybe it started with the desire to open my veins.

It might have started with her death,
or perhaps even the burgeoning concept of mortality.
It might have begun earlier, who knows?
Maybe it was when they threw me down and took the air from my lungs.
My brain began to understand how hopeless the struggle is,
How pointless it is to try and stop it, to control your own life.

I don't know when my depression started,
But it feels like it's been with me a lifetime.
It's hard to tell when the numbness hangs around like a fog,
Never gives up, calling me towards the relief of death,
Tempts me to despair,
Telling me of the futility of life, and the guilt within.

I don't know when I began waking up each morning
Only for the sake of others
Lamenting that I had survived the night.
I don't know when death became easier than life.

But I know one thing,
I have hope.
I trust that the Lord will take me safely home.

It is better by far
To be held by the one
Who has loved you
Before the creation of the very first star.

To be with Him,
It makes sense that
On some dangerous whim
I lay my sleeping clothes out flat.

Oh how I long for that release
The day when, with gentle ease
My body falls into the fatal sleep.
On that day I will no longer weep.

Welcomed home by my loving Father
By whom a place has been set
There's no place I'd rather
Be than with Him who gives eternal rest
And tasted death
That mine might taste sweet.

To whom else shall I shout praises?
To whom else shall I give my soul?

In my cries of desperation
and in the throes of agony
I shall bow to none but you O Lord!

For you have made me,
loved me
You alone have saved me
from the pain
of Satan's grasp
You have freed me.

There is none but you Lord
who gives life to the roaring ocean
Your majesty is proven
in the crashing waves.

There is nowhere to hide
from the majesty of the Lord
His gracious arm reaches all
even those who cry
none are spared from His glory.

Sometimes I wish a planet would crash
right into this godforsaken world.
I wouldn't flinch, I wouldn't thrash
knowing that around my heart, your hands are curled.

Sometimes I wish we could just nuke
each other to oblivion . It wouldn't hurt
A flash, I wouldn't have the chance to puke
as finally we would be buried in the dirt.

Sometimes I wish your loving hand would come and take us away.
Sometimes I wish He would come again.
Lord, please come again,
For I resent being made from my clay.

I wouldn't have to hide,
I wouldn't have to see the tears of the broken-hearted.
For too long I have cried,
But the time has come for me to join the departed.

Standing on the edge
I breathe in the air.
To walk to my death is my pledge,
You're the only one who can care.

Lying on the hot sand
I must admit that I am Sick.
I bow to the will of your hand.
Could this be some hateful trick?

Lying there, I can't move.
I don't know how to continue.
But you, in your kindness show me His great love.
Perhaps this will bring something new.

In His love, He gave us the ocean.
In His love, He sent his only to die.
For us, He has a great plan,
One day we will no longer cry.

The ticking behind me is an irregular constant
Reminding me that i'm not well
Reminding me that they're after me
Reminding me of past sin

Current sin no good god could forgive
Sin so damaging
"He's coming back again"
The words have always haunted you

They slip through the cracks of paranoia
In your sick mind
It's all empty
She'll never love You

Nobody should care, but they do
Don't you wake up knowing He loves you?
Everyday, i wish i could say yes
But it feels like my brain is being torn apart

Where's your head at, you liar!
You sick *******, high at church
How could a Just One love me?
Make me fall on my knees?

You'd better punish yourself
So He doesn't have to
Too late, He'll whip your ***
Get ready for a pounding

Thick, shimmering dew
Cold in my hands
Sweet and sticky on my tongue

The nectar goes down,
The voice comes up

Vision gets foggy
Mind gets s/l/o/w
before the liquid is spewed out!
my tongue is quick

She's a sweet lover
Our dance goes round again

When they talk to me it's all
"Walk off that cliff"
And
"Go towards the light of the train"
They never leave me.
Even when I'm
"My hope is in the Lord"-ing
Talking,
They're convincing,
Inciting me to violence.

"You know they're trying to poison you"
Them and their drugs
But when the voices tell me that they're going to **** me
I smile
And welcome them
Even though my heart beats faster

Perhaps it's because I know I will soon see His face.

When you sit and stroke my hand
Your voice is louder than the ones in my head.

Your touch is soft,
Your words comfort and love.
Our bodies intertwined in the fresh of rain,
You tell me to breathe it in.

"Breathe slowly" you want me to smell the earthy rain.
That way I can know that you're real.
We sit, you guide me through the pain,
And afterwards, in devotion and petition to our God we kneel.
We both know He's the only one who can heal.

Tell me you love me.
And through the ocean in my eyes, I'll tell you the same.
We'll think about how great life could be,
And we'll praise His holy name.