Tonight I am being shamed
For doing no wrong
A healthy act
That I did all on my own
My room was warm so I opened my window
But my blinds were fully drawn
I heard some sounds
While I performed
A stranger had joined to
I guess watch the action
Made there presence known
But with no much reaction
I kept my stride because
Who of us two was in the wrong
Me in my room all by myself
Or the one to creeped up to my window
What a disgrace
but I didn’t stop, I finished my task
Because the one who was outside the window
Didnt know and didn’t ask
But I am fairly certain for the past 10 years
Everytime I Masturbated
There has always been at least one pair
Of eyes and one pair of ears
And I’m just ******* sick and tired
Of trying to live my life
Handicapped by someone outside
Trying to control me with thier
Shameful words
And trying to control me with fear

So I just **** and and finished the job
Because I knew that I wasn’t doing
Anything at all wrong

trapped in a child’s backpack
disguised as a lunch sac
really its a sac of crack
I take a hit
then I’m on the attack
looking for a ***** to smack
or getting first in track
in the 69 meter dash
faster than flash
that’s what happens
when crack and I clash
why every time I see a dumpster
I want to swim in the trash
I find some old ladies to flash
cmon don’t hold back
let me see some saggy **** fast

(chorus)
cause on crack I’m a blast
until I crash
I don’t mean come down
forever my high will last
getting last place in this race
cause my vehicle
which is now a bicycle
its cooler than an icicle
I got too many DWI’s
that must mean driving while Ill
because I’m the illest
that doesn’t mean I’m sick
well maybe in today’s slang linguistics
enough with the gimmicks
time to go
I’m late for the methadone clinic

these lyrics you will try to mimic
but me my self and the critics
can tell your full of **** kid
my rhymes go for the highest bid
yours go for less than a fat guys skid
marks, underwear found in the park
because someone **** themselves
and then said oh well
when life gives you lemons
then go home commando
and hide your **** dyed
I bet that **** on your legs dried
you hid them in the sandbox
the first kid that found them cried
from that moment on
that kid is now scared for life
and in ten years he will go to class with a knife
and end up doing 20 to life
so the moral to this story is
don’t do drugs and make sure
you keep your ******* tight
or you will **** yourself
and ruin some poor kids life

(chorus)
cause on crack I’m a blast
until I crash
I don’t mean come down
forever my high will last
getting last place in this race
cause my vehicle
which is now a bicycle
its cooler than an icicle
I got too many DWI’s
that must mean driving while Ill
because I’m the illest
that doesn’t mean I’m sick
well maybe in today’s slang linguistics
enough with the gimmicks
time to go
I’m late for the methadone clinic

I master bate 15 times a day
I think that means I’m gay
getting off to videos by drake
I always *** when it transitions to Wayne
isn’t that the worst thing
finishing when transitioning
to a ****** alien so lame
I think I’m going insane
I’m always stuck in my brain
trying to figure out which
backstreet boy I want to impregnate
why does life feel so fake
my mind is about to break
i day dream all day
about drake using a shake weight
just kidding everyone knows I’m straight
just ask my boyfriend
you will see him at my wake
cause tomorrow I’m going to die
I’m taking my own life
because we live in a simulation
and I don’t like this character
so I’m switching my controller
my soul I will register
pay my membership fees
and live my next life much better

(chorus)
cause on crack I’m a blast
until I crash
I don’t mean come down
forever my high will last
getting last place in this race
cause my vehicle
which is now a bicycle
its cooler than an icicle
I got too many DWI’s
that must mean driving while Ill
because I’m the illest
that doesn’t mean I’m sick
well maybe in today’s slang linguistics
enough with the gimmicks
time to go
I’m late for the methadone clinic

I periodically Perpetuate
hurricanes all around me
manifesting my illusions
filled with anomalies
commonly I’m far from Common
as these evil forces
completely surround me
crashing down to rock-bottom
longing to no longer be lonesome
but my loneliness is caused
by my compulsions
such impulsive behavior
needs to get out of me, expulsion
creatively i creep
to seem casual and sane
To a world that’s corrupt
and crippled needing a cane
****** and staring
into the eyes of the truth
but with all this proof
we can’t find who is to blame
to some mentally
my mind it is unglued
broken into bits
from so much abuse
daily I’m terrified of torture
I feel like I’ve got nothing to lose
I’m black and blue
Just one giant bruise
Beaten and brought down to my knees
Reluctant to beg. I scream out please
No more
In my tears I’m drowning
A moment of silence as
You Playfully tease
But the kid with the magnifier
Doesn’t hear the ants screams
Only burns and burns
Until their is nothing left
But the shell of a man
Who’s life is a mess

Is their a heaven
I sure hope so, cause I know their is a hell
It’s called earth
Constant pain, waiting to die
Or are we just waiting for rebirth
I try to maintain
I try to abstain
But my vices have taken
All I have once again gained

I thought she would never leave
Our love was/is so deep
I definitely don’t deserve her
Michelle your like a dream
But now it feels Like a nightmare
Without you I feel so scared
I hate that i had to lose you  
To realize how much I love you
How much I need you
How I don’t want to even breath
If your breath doesn’t breath with mine too
I feel like a ****, and I know I did soo much to hurt you
Honestly I know I 100% don’t deserve you

I just have to try to live my life
Fight my demons one more time
These voices are soo loud  
But my love for you brings silence
And your love for me
Turns all that is dark to light

I hope you can forgive me
I don’t see a future without you
I know the man I can be
I want to treat you like my queen.
I don’t know what else to say
I just have never felt a pain this great
And you know I’m bad at talking
About all those difficult but important things.

Decide what?
To be clean?
To live with this torture?
You obviously know and could do something to help, but I know you won’t
How am I supposed just keep living a normal life as a sheep
Spending all my time and energy for money
A piece of paper that controls us all
Waking up each day to your voice
Always there
ALWAYS THERE
This NEEDS to Stop NOW
you can’t show me what you have shown me and the expect me to just go back to normal

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME

Tell me and I will do it
Anything
To make this stop
ANYTHING
ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING
AT ALL
Just disconnect
Or make all of this make sense

My perception of reality is unclean
Stuck somewhere in between
I hear what you are saying
But you voice within me is not me

I have developed trust issues
Which is huge
I used to hand out trust
Like I had nothing to lose
Until I lost it all
I don’t blame just you
I am largely at fault
I know my choices
Caused this historic fall

I’m almost positive I’m not crazy
Their must be an explanation
Why your voice won’t let me be
I just want to be free
And I want to be clean
I need to know these last 8 years
Wasn’t just the sound of wind in the trees
And the occasional tweak

I’m diagnosed schizophrenic
Caused by drugs and genetics
which logic would have be believe
If it wasn’t for all the coincidences
The control of my internet
And all my electronic devices
I have seen proof
That something powerful
Must be behind of all this

I’m largely held back by not knowing
Plus the constant torture
God you voice is soo annoying

My Messed up mentality
Tells me the drugs makes you more seen
Or it just makes it easier
To trick a tweaked out mental freak

I want to believe that you have my best intentions
I want to be content with having no control
I have always believed the outcome
Of all this pain with be great
I struggle with your torture
All your lies and deceit
Making me believe it’s my time
Just to pummel me to defeat
I don’t understand how you can say you care
And then completely destroy every part and of me

Since I have no control
I’m trying hard to except
That you know what’s best to do next
But my hope is fading
I honestly don’t feel much of any left
So please if you can’t be revealed
Just try something
To help my hope refill

I want to know the truth
No matter what the cost
If all my darkest secrets are revealed
Knowing is worth more than the loss
seven years of torture
Not knowing why it’s there
Going back and forth with sanity
It’s almost to much to bare
No matter the outcome
Wether my dreams come true
Or become nightmares with the truth
I know I will be ok if I have to wait
I just have to stop being a complete *******
And Everything will be ok
I know I’m not perfect
And I can always do better
But my intentions are good
And I’ll try to control
My stormy weather
There has been good with the bad
I feel my struggles strengthened me
And who I am makes me glad
Because after everything
I still love me

I fear something big Is about to come to an end
I have begged for answers but not one
you could lend
I am soo scared and rightly confused
From all your mind tricks and abuse
I’ve had many theories
From angels, to alians to mechanical tricks
But I think I failed the test
and it makes me sick

I have an affliction
We call it addiction
No matter my hate
I still love the take
I believe i am good, a riotous man
But when the drugs take a hold
i go from good to bad
They bring out desires
That I never new I had
I need to regain my strength
And find healthy hobbies
Or I fear when I die
I will end up waiting in hells lobby
I hope these 7 years were not a waste
I know I can do it
I have what it takes

I’m soo out of touch with reality
It seems I perceive my life as a tragedy
I want to gouge out my insanity
To find just one whole piece

I feel so divided
Between addiction and my dreams
I know what my life could be
I want to focus on the the good in me
But the bad can scream so loudly

I’m such a ******* coward
I want my life to change b
But this fear I have in side of me
Fear of anything that is strange

They say everyone has demons
An evil voice inside the brain
Mine have come into their own
Getting harder to maintain

I believe one day I’ll have the courage
To put my life on track
I worry if it doesn’t happen soon
I won’t have much life left
To get back

The unpredictable anomaly’s of my existence
Living each day in pretense
No one these days
Have any ******* common sense
this mainstream **** makes me cringe

Talentless nothingness
Disrupting my silence
It’s all the same just more drugs and violence

I want to live more spiritually
But my demons inside quietly creep
Convincing me that I am weak
I’m soo sick of being a ******* freak

Hearing voices means your crazy
If your scared to live
That means your lazy
I choose to live my life hazy
Because this pain you cause
Completely drains me

Do you know the difference between
Wrong and right
Just because its a law
Should you follow with blind sight
Really take a look at every law
Do they all make sense
You know ****** created laws
Laws that should make you cringe
These lawmakers have but one goal
to line thier pockets
And keep thier bank accounts full

If we are truly free
Then how come we can go to jail
If we smoke a little ****
This is obscene
Smokin a little **** has never hurt anyone
But it’s ok to go drink a 1/5th of *****
And **** someone with your car
Or get alcohol poisoning at you local bar
More people die due to alchhol each year
Than every illegal drug combined
So if you follow every law
You have no idea what’s right or wrong

Just sheep following sheep following
An orange idiot puppet
Being used by people with real power
Power most can’t even begin to comprehend
Our world is doomed because the world is 50% sheep, 49.5% other sheep and 0.5% woke( but the woke have been ****** with and suppressed and discredited and forced addictions and confusion and straight psychological torture through auditory, tactile, and visual hallucinations and beat down and used and stripped of any financial status so they can’t rise up and take down the evil powers that are in control of this world, keeping the sheep sheep and laughing at the rest of us as we trying to figure out some way to make life better but a couple ants against a bully with a magnifying glass,
The best way to put it is WE ARE ALL ******, see you back in hell(earth) after they **** us, use our soul however they please, give our soul amnesia and send us right back to hell(earth) just so we can do it all again. Oh and I’m 99% sure thier is no GOD and if there is he is either a sadistic ****, or he is both GOD and the devil so don’t ask him for help cause he doesn’t give a ****. Especially if you are me. I have only really asked for one thing from him. One thing that really isn’t that difficult. The one thing I want no need back In My life but god doesn’t ******* care and she is never coming back so I plan to live my days in a haze preparing for a short life and a quick death.)

I love you Michelle. Please come back, please
I made a mistake but we are human we make mistakes. Don’t throw away six years because of one mistake. I honestly don’t see a reason the live if I’m not with you. I don’t want to live if I’m not with you. Honestly the only thing that has kept me from slitting my wrists(the right way this time) is this little tiny bit of hope I will get you back. But with every passing day that hope is fleeting and death seems more and more likely my future than a future of a beautiful life with the only woman I have ever truly loved. Oh and one more thing, **** GOD **** the devil **** addiction **** temptations **** alcohol **** that orange ******* senile ******* we call president **** family who won’t believe you when you try to tell them your truth **** all the judgmental wealthy sheep who haven’t struggled a day in there life but think they have the right to look down on someone who wasn’t born rich and last but not least the biggest ******* of all, **** analytical skitzo aka Alex for literally every stupid thing you have done the biggest being losing Michelle. You had happiness in tour grasp and you pushed it away because you believe you don’t deserve to be happy subconsciously I guess. FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKFFUUUUUUCCKKFUCCKKFUCKKFUCK
****­IN **** FUCKBUCKET ******* FUCKSDOODLE DO **** NE AND ESPECIALLY ******* **** THIS WORK BECAUSE THE ***** OF THIS WORLD KEEP ******* UP AND MAKING ******* LIFE FOR EVERYONE ******* DOOMED. And all you ******* PANSIES out thier **** is just a ******* word, it hold no ******* power over you unless you let it ******* hold power over you. No one can make you feel only you control you. I obviously need to work on that a lot myself. Rant rant rant I bet none reads this whole thing.
IF YOU GET TO THE END PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THE COMMENTS THAT YOU READ IT ALL IM CURIOUS HOW MANY WILL ACTUALLY READ THIS WHOLE THING. Thank you very ******* much

Every human on earth
Strives for one thing
from money, to power
Or it might just be fame
But what we all crave
And is the hardest to obtain
Love is the answer
The only prize worth the game

I feel soo fortunate
For I have found love
It has happened before
But this time
I have faith from above

I am soo lucky
That you
Came into my life
So many battles
Yet we proved we could  fight
you put up with me
And my recurring mistakes
You always help me through
Doing whatever it takes
if I were to lose you
My life would cease to exist
Ya together forever
Is my life’s only wish

I know you are here
Or so I think you were near
My eyes would deceive
If it were you
That I should see
Because you are
Constantly and indefinitely
with me
But you are not me
That is the most important part of all of this
That I KNOW
I KNOW
That your whisper inside my head
The voice I so very much dread
so many times wishing I were dead
Why You ask?
For once no reply
So to not tell a lie
Five years has passed
And I still so clearly hear your Wine
But I'm scared of your silence
These voices I'm soo used to
Create these thoughts of violence
It's tiresome
Trying to succeed

I step back and pause for a moment
So I may try to  understand this destructive path
I call my life
Like a light house
I only work when I burn bright
But it seems so many
Force me to fight
I fight my family
Cause they think they know best
But they don't know the struggle
When you don't have a home
Where your head can rest
They don't understand the need
To be high
To feel so human-less
I don't contribute to society
By working for minimum wage
I'm too busy
Out here on the streets
Playing the game
But unlike others this game is no joke
It’s a constant battle
To stay just above broke
Most of my meals
Come from dumpster
Or kind folks
The life of an addict
Living on the streets
I would wish Upon no one
Living each day in defeat
Praying for a way out
Praying that I’m not too weak

were near the end now
do you feel proud
destroyed an innocent life
now I'm headed for the clouds
but in the end i win, cause i get to look down
as your souls burn beneath me
On the ground
"triangles are my favorite shape"
well i prefer a line cause at least its not fake
yours ends at a point
while mine continues to create
my life wasn't yours to take,
to bend, to mold and to retardedly reshape
you ****** up, that was your biggest mistake
must be sick of jerry springer
I'm your patsy
but really I'm the ringer
your little bee sting hurts
but ill just pull out the stinger
cause I'm a wasp *****
i don't die after one attack
ill be coming strong to take my life back
mind tricks and drug trips
gave you all control quick
your a coward you make me sick
bleeding me dry like a little tick
******* others life force to survive
you enjoy the demented ride
Because soon I’ll flip this life to the other side
Where I’m in control
And you get tortured until you wish to die

I trip around a corner
Adjacent from the other
All hears the wall
Being built by ones own brother
A king sits front row
While his mother is center stage
He knows he's lost control
But he keeps bottled all his rage
Angels dance reluctantly
Hands grip hands circled up
We all fall down expectantly
Who knows who grows the rows
Mystical marijuana hoes
I'll keep making 8 faces growl
As you steep so low to use eleven
How dare you use that tone of lip
With me boy, dont you know
I'm am you creator, nah, na, na
I couldn't be for I am much two young
And I couldn't be for I am your brother
And I couldn't be for I am a little bit evil
I'm am NOT your creator
But the one you look to when all else
Have so horribly failed
You look to me for a hint of which trail
But militantly I sprinkle false truths for you to stumble into
And because you trust way too much you take them as proof
This red snake slithers down the rabbit hole only to have its nose bit by a gopher who happens to be the rabbits best bud so don't believe all you perceive but reality is not what others breath but what you can conceive

Everything I believe
All that my my mind
Has been able to conceive
Is just a speck
Forever it seems my life to me
But in the grand scheme
Eternity is almost nothing
When perceived by a being
So miniscule of forever
For forever my life will never be

Trying to wrap my head around
This bandage holds my brains, my crown
Royal I am worshiped is me
I am the one, the only, the supreme
Cause without me
Through my perception
My world would cease to be
A universe design
An encrypted code written
Materialized my mind
Oh with me you are so gifted
To debate is a crime
Punishable by a fine
Of 1,587,231.74 rupees
Or 44.44$ American
Or f#@k
Or ==(++)==^^^_^:-*=-O restroplionoans
Aw do I wish myself to be a restroplionoans
I just don't have the cash flow
To make such a trek across the stars at this time
But I am very open for donations
You can donate to my go fund me account
It's an empty coffee can sitting on my porch in
Hicktownvillesofnowheretown Illinois
Or just send a check or mug shots or **** selfies to
My cell# 9162280671 much obliged

I'm losing my functional being
My soul supreme
That light burning so bright in me
Fades
But what makes it dissipate
I'm losing touch with my creator
To my people I'm a traitor
Cause I have this beautiful soul
Handpicked
Has been in Kings
Has forever stayed lit
That is until they chose me
Hoping I'd be another King
But I live in despair
Unaware
Of the path that was set up for me
But I am aware I'm just weak
I see the righteous road and run
To live with the the ****
Who's souls are new
And more susceptible to abuse
Maybe one day I will burn
With all of my potential
But that day is not today
Maybe tomorrow
I won't let my glorious soul fade away

I'm carelessly controlling my life
Or to my knowledge at least
I wish my will was free
So I could have an out for all my discrepancies
But that would mean I would have to believe
In you, and I don't want to
Cause your not real
Or so you say
Which I know is a lie
You prove it to many everyday

I am what I can see
I am what i can feel
I am the one in pain
It's my life you you had to steal
Knocking off hours, days, years
For short doses with no fear
I am in control
I control me
That’s what both you and I want me to believe
But only one of us knows the truth
Of how much you choose to control
How much of you power you abuse

Today I feel uneasy
A little less confident
Paranoid and tweaked
I wonder what it could be
I hate feeling this way
I try to avoid you at all costs
But you’re still something I crave
Lost in your Essence
No Power in your presence
Like a moth to a flame
I chase what looks pleasant
Once I have you it burns
This of insanity
I just never seem to learn
Im obsessed with our ecstasy
That feeling I get
When I inject your soul
Deep inside of me
I can feel you move
My whole body shakes
The smallest touch
You make my body quake
About to explode
Us meeting was fate
But as soon as I’m done
I realize my mistake
Our love is soo fake
I’m in love with your lust
And for this lust
My whole life you will take
Everyday feeling destroyed
Except for the short time
I inject you my drug
**** ****
You took my whole life
Can’t wait til you take my last breath
Again I will say
**** ****

Magnificently beautiful
The glisten and sparkle
That radiates off this crystal,
You can feel it's overwhelming power
Engulfed by its timeless gaZe
As time it's self quickly fades
Commonly an occurrence of losing days without knowledge or an escape
Picture hands tied, feet bound,
And mouth tightly kept quiet with tape, their, yes there, no they're is no escape for any a man
Or woman
This kryptonite to mankind
This poison so sublime
This can't wait for my next crime
I don't care about the time
No morals on my mind
What is  right and what is left
And what is wrong and mine to be kept
Cause possession is 9/10 of the law
And I obey the law with threats
And with crystal ****
And with its power
What ever possession I want I get
With no regret at least from me
But you'll regret if you try to be hero
Cause you'll get hurt and I'm still free
Call me superman
I've just fallen off the wagon again
This ******* kryptonite
This magnificently sparkling crystalite
Has got me caught again in its allure
Lifting me up afloat
With every ****
With every inhale
Whether from my nostril
Or to have a vein affair
My crystallical love
Crystallized lovely
My crystal of death
And lonely
I have found you again
Even though I was running in the opposite direction
Somehow you always find me
And sweep me off my feet
Thank you kriptonytkriptonitkryptonite
You are my one true love
And I dream of the day we
Get to die in each other's arms

My first impression
Is your first perception
Aware of all my indiscretions
Your razor blades, cut the shades
Open eyes, watching scared
look afraid
My past, trying to hide it all
Chin up
Need to walk tall
Leave the book open
Probably going to fall
Back covers description sets
A portion of my life's regrets
They feel a need to dissect
Every portion of my intellect

So call me skitzo or call me nothing
I got to be me or you know I'm bluffing
Insanity of truth I keep stuffing

Cause I'm a little crazy
But it's the skitzo that made me
So go on and try to break me
you'll just irritate me
Cause I’m as real as it gets
And your all faking
I’m deep underground
And your all mainstream
Everyone wants to be on my team
They want me like dope to a fiend
But I ride alone
On my myself I lean

I pull out my teeth one by one
My hair falls to the floor
My bones ache and muscles sore
A transformation down to the core
Old thoughts old feelings fade away
Reborn to a new world a new day
I conform to meet their needs
But my ears begin to bleed
The sound that begins to lead
Me into the garden of Adam and Eve
Under the tree I do believe
That if I pray
I may leave that life of yesterday
And keep my demons almost at bay
Section by section
Piece by piece
You rip me apart
I put myself back
A transformation
From you rubble my new creation

Ripe is the apple
Dangling brilliance
I stare lost in its allure
Temptation
But not to tempt
Your own creation
Ironically in your image were made
Hysterically historically played
Blind fold close to the edge we live bold
One mistake and we plummet deep
One sin and your soul is satans to keep
But we were created to sin
In your image we were created weak

I see her in my dreams
White dress twirling around
Dancing here with me
Brown eyes that light up the sky
With her I feel like I could fly
Away, far away
From this life of sin
With her by my side I feel like
Life can be built again
Cause she's my beautiful blonde hair lady
Oh she's driving me so crazy
I can't see me without her in my life
Don't wanna try, oh don't not want to try
Her touch gives me that rush
That feeling that can crush
Any doubt in my mind
That she won't be here for the rest of time
I run my fingers through her hair
And prepare for that smile
That goes for miles
I could only dream of what our future could be
But we will always be dancing in my dreams

Addicts always say one day at a time
But how do we live life with dope on our mind
We are powerless over our addiction
Do I even have to mention GOD
restoring us to sanity
Taking us away from our vanity
Step one, step two, step three, step four
These are the steps that open the door
To a new life living clean and sober
Like an old car with a brand new motor
Even though my life has done a 180
Every other day still gets a little crazy
I thank god for my sponsor and my sober friends
AA, NA and the meeting I attend
The most important person is the one with one day
Don't worry all your gunna say
Is your life's story
You may think it's kind of boring
But it will save your life
We are by your side
If your back hurts
We will remove the knife
Of your old life

I'm becoming so tired
Of this civil war
The energy that's required
I just can't restore
An endless life of battles
In an endless war
Everyday I wonder
Am I worth fighting for

Can you define disease
The destruction that it leaves
I'm out fighting my demons
While my family already grieves
They cant begin to conceive
The constant civil war
That destroys me mentally

Just try to imagine
Having an addictive personality
That forcibly deceives
Makes you ******* believe
That a ******* drug
Is the #1 survival instinct
Completely impairs
Any rational way to think
Once this disease sets in
All dreams of normality
Quickly go the the sink

I can't handle all these emotions
All this weight I'm toting
My baggage from the years
And all the drugs I used for coping
I feel so mentally broken
But spiritually awoken
But as long as I breath air
I'll fight with words unspoken
those who don't know me
Judge me on my clothing
They think that my appearance
Means I've struggled for nothing
But my struggle is still erupting
So let's see the cash
If you think that I am bluffing
I'm so scared for the future
Since I've ****** up my past
My self inflicted torture
Wasted years that went so fast
I hope the pain has taught me something
To avoid the deadly crash
That addiction always leads to
The high that is my last

I understand now
That you have some
preconceived notion
That you are special
Well please, do tell all
From whom told you this
Do you even recall

Well...eh.....it's hard to explain

Well out with it boy
Who gave you such fame

It wasn't a man like you and I
Nor was it a voice for all to find
But a direct message
Like a light from inside
A glow in all of us
Just dimmed until it's your time
They are building an army
But not of the traditional kind
But an army of believers
Conceptual conceivers
The artists, the poets
The true believers
This whole world in its design
Was meant as a test
For all human kind
But left to our own will
We chose destruction
We chose to ****
So it's time to intervene
redirection through misdirection
For our protection
( I mean look at the election)
I am to help lead this army
To help take off this Neisse
Cause our existence
So minuscule
But to us
It's our proof

Oh so you say
we're in a downward spiral
Like **** Daniel this virus
Is about to go viral
This light as you say
Wants us to change our ways
And make life a little more worthwhile

Exactly

Haha don't be silly boy
Your just messed up in the head
Your daddy just dropped you
Or you ate paint with the lead
I own half of the oil in the Middle East
I have 84 cars
And 20 homes at least
I am the American Dream
All aspire to be me
So from what I've retrieved
This little voice in your head
Is as crazy as you seem

Ah man... This is going to be
Much harder than you explained
It to be.

I can't be what I want to be
Cause to fail is easier
Then to fail to succeed
My generation is a new breed
Ready for a revaluation
But tripping over our own two feet
PTSD, ADD, ADHD
VHS , DVD,  MP3
I'm sick of these mental anomalies
Drug dealers with doctorates
Pushing band aids
For a brain aneurism
That may not even occurred yet
But your diagnosis
Is their proctosis
To line their pockets
With decaying presidents
So they don't feel a need
To take that SSRI
that to you they so desperately feed
Welcome to America
Home of the crave
And land of the greed
Hope you have enough stolen
Souls in your pocket
So that you may succeed

I know it hurts
I know you want to help
But most likely you'll make it worse
I know my pain transfers
Through empathetic encounters
Or the pathetic way I cope
With all these ups
And downers
I know my lies
Destroy these ties
The knots that hold us together
The endless whys I know you've cried
Feeling helpless
Well so do I
Just for much different reasons
Cause your pain is your love for me
And my pain is being stuck in between
The need to be high
And the want to be clean
So how do I change a want to a need
And feed a need to be free
I can never fix this affliction
No pill can cure this restriction
just contradiction
Just pills to feed this addiction
Some find solace as a Christian
But I can't devout myself
To a book I believe to be fiction
So where does that lead me
The next step
One day at a time
These cliches
Make me cringe
My recovery is mine to find
Cause if I just go with the masses
Without belief in their structural design
I'm surely destined to fail
Death could be my sentence
Life would be my crime

Do you ever catch your self briefly
Driving down a highway
And have the urge just to
Spin the wheel violently
Not in a suicidal way
Cause I sure don't want to die today
But just because you know you can
So much control
in the palm of your hand
Or maybe you crave
This road your on to drastically change
No matter the consequence
As long as it's not the same

At least I can never say I'm lonely
Even though the company
I indefinitely carry
Are for the most part
repetitive and bleak
Constantly and consistently
Pointing out my every move
Which I know I made
An insignificant groove
Maybe its others you wish to inform
But mine and mine alone
You are my mental thunder storm
Acid rain precipitates from my amygdula  to my cerebral cortex
A perfect storm creates
The perfect weather
My last bit of sanity to the stem I tether
For better or worse
Well I'm sick and I'm stuck
With you
But I didn't, and won't
stand at an alter with the likes of you
And willingly say the words I DO
Cause I don't
but since you had the shotgun
And I just had my lil **** in my hand
Then I guess you win for now
Cause they say the ***** is mightier than a shell full of little metal projectile BBs that sole purpose of creation is to take the life of anything it's forced at but I've got a trick up my hat and rabbit up my sleeve just waiting for the perfect moment I've been craving

I love the creativity I perceive
From a sleep deprived slightly tweaked
Over zealous mental freak
Physically weak from nothing to eat
But mentally about to reach my peak
And then to jump off
Who knows how many more feet
Til I hit the bottom
Be careful its rocky down their
I hear
From ones that took the plunge
And emerged alive
Unlike so many unlucky or just ready ones
Some get everlasting bliss
While some gain some knowledge
About themselves but still have to return to this earth we call hell
I've come close to that fall
I've even tripped a stumble to fall
But I guess I'm not ready
To be enlightened or set free
I'll just keep a float until
God or the devil decide
Who gets soul custody

Step one: DONT DO ****
(Especially if this mental disorder is really a drug induced psychosis causewd by **** with a hint of illuminate induced fibrosis)( but we don't talk about that)
Step two: if step one fails don't panic
Step three: stay cool don't get frantic
You may have increased the voices HP
from 87 to a million plus three
Strength doesn't matter just remember this key
1. The voices are not you friends
They want to see you hurt
Screaming for the pain to end
Through minipulation and lies
They get your trust on their side
Just to beat you down
Chained, whipped, and gag tied
2. They will always try to bully you
Don't react that is a bully's food
Train your brain to not care about a thing, it's strange to not care but caring will just lead you to a knife and a vein just screaming for them to go away
But the more you threaten the more they gain.
3.(step3 maybe??). Try not to give them the time of day use books or music to keep them away. And if you feel a need to reply a witty insult or a your mom joke will do just fine
(Refer to section 2 not caring)
4. As you can see I am as sane as sane can be, or at I appear to be on the outside at least.

Follow these steps and I promise the progress that you profoundly seek
Will be in you grasps within a week
You you money back( no guarantee)

When I think of satan
The dark lord
The dark prince
Yes the devil himself
I don't picture the traditional
Soul seeking, corruption and wealth
But more as a self made handy man
Carrying an old tool box in hands
Caring to the needs of all who seek
Greatest desires or dreams too bleak
Willing to pay a small toll
For dreams to be reality
A kiss and your soul
A perfect life for now
And then all of eternity
Don't always believe all you've heard
For no deceitful games or tricky words
The devil clearly states
The trade you are in for
Lucky for him
Humans are weak
So obsessed with possessions
The money and power streak
That we gladly sell our most prized
Light inside
For a few years as a god on earth
For eternity burning alive deep
Under the dirt

Procrastination is bad to say the least
One of the Devils tools it's sure to be
Born through anxiety and fear
It's sure to creep
repress these tasks
No memory
So tonight you may get some sleep

Second night no sleep
My eyes uncontrollably weep
But not from emotions
From hours, open, staring
At this tiny illuminated screen
Reading your art
And trying to pertain it to my life
Haha my life
If I had a life I wouldn't
Shoot poison in my veins
And waste the night away glued
To this small illuminated
Alternate reality
Searching for some clarity
Trying to tie the hellucinations
To recently posted poems
A lot actually do seem they were written for me
You know who you are
Or maybe I'm finally crazy
I've got food on my mind
Any things fine
Then I'm ready for sleepy time

I'm angry for being angry at anyone else who is not at fault
When the fault is put rightfully on me
For I have free will says God
So it must be
a choice made only by me
Because my concentration
From outside manipulation
Has warped this will for so I am free
To misjudge this movement
That life so graciously has bestowed me
To give me and opportunity
To use my morals to check my believes
And make a decision that bennifits
All that it effects might be
So they may take this will that is
Given free
And use it for good
That is until the manipulative powers
Of those in control want to send you down a different street

Complete darkness has a scary pull
Sight our most dependent sense
Wiped out by an empty black
Leaving the other senses uncomfortably full
Causing chaos and panic
Leaving us emotional and frantic
Wanting to take the intelligent step
But crossed circuits and
Complete darkness
Makes sensory overload a tragedy
But sensory deprivation a reality
Once we have control over what we can't see
Then finding are way back to the light
Is as easy as following the breeze
By tactile rush or auditory trees
Control your mind
So you may set others free

My corruptions from the inside
Are My destructions from a blind mind
Stumbling from pit stop to rest stop
Needing more, but running out of time
Craving some real love
Receiving that hypodermic bug
From  fiending
To once again I'm clean
To get spun
Around
The insanity has yet to be seen
Or yet to be believed
That I might have a problem
A medical disease
That leaves me on my knees
Asking please, no pleading please
To God , to Satan, to any power
Magical, mystical, sweet, or sour
From a genie in a lamp
To that ***** I mean witch in her tower
To combine the blue with the red pill
To create a cure or maybe just a crazier thrill
**** there it goes again
The side of my brain
That isn't quite sane
But ingenious plots it still maintains
And executes
Just so we can taste forbidden fruit
And for a moment be in bliss
Where everything makes sense
But then we fall, no crash
Going down to fast
Burned up by atmospheric friction
Unable to grasp full attention
Atten hut
Can't stand strait from spinal tension
And acrobatic catorsions

you
That's right you
addict brain
I'm fighting to just maintain
Some normality
While you fight to obtain every psychological abnormality
That a shrink can write a script for
So you can once more
Numb our brain
So no longer you and I are at war
Because we feel nothing

Looks like I'm stuck again
The everyday struggle
Of ripping my melted shoes from the pavement just to spin
Spin spun spin I'm spun again
I think the walls can move
Closeted Little men, who knew
Ya the walls can move
I just havnt figured out they open
But still theirs time to prove
I'm not crazy I say
Well the doctors of diagnosis
Think a different way
Schizophrenic, bi-polar
Outside induced psycholors
But I know I'm sane
And the voices I hear agree
That I hear on a higher frequency
One special that was made just for me

What the ****
Seriously
Why is pain such a reacuring memory

For me
Yes, i am me
And I am an addict
44 percent I think
(The number always fluctuates  depending on the situation)
I got cocky that's got to be it  
A new career
And some time in my pocket
And now I'm laying here
Black pupils so large
I need an exorcism

One day to recover until class
One ******* day

At least procrastination
Will be something I excel at
Oh and *******

All abilities of reality begin to intersect
Confusion, disillusion
Distort the dialect
Feelings, there's nothing left
Except a needle in my arm
Or a bullet in my chest
I would aim for my brain
But I fear there's nothing left

Hallucinations of all three
Auditory, tactile, and visually seen
A ******* of your fabrication
Lies and deceitful dreams
Your content torture is Mimicking
A hell with no heaven to be seen

It's funny to think
My thoughts are in my control
Not constantly manipulated
By deaths outward pull
Every new idea from the first to the last
Has already been thought out
By a being from the past

Got an inspiration to change
Stuck in a time loop
I'm still the same
Bottom of the ocean incased in cement shoes
Can't breath can't see without you
The pressure is crushing me
And the obsession for the truth
Clarity is barely see through

Seems like sleep deprivation
Comes answers to my frustrations
But when I pass out
those answers become my creations
These intense six sense hallucinations
Are my writing on the wall abreviations
But to others its invisible ink
With black lights as eyes
I see in between the sheets
They say ones stains is another's masterpiece

So try to walk a mile in my shoes
Looking down
I don't know who these belong to
Codependent mind keeps me alone
Schizophrenic mind keeps me ******
Trying to stride too much pride
Much easier to cry alone and die

Get off that pedestal
Death will come to those invincible
Clear your thoughts make them credible
Or the psych ward is inevitable

I used to play games when I was young
Now I always carry a knife
What's next a gun
What happened to that precious little boy
He traded the devil all of his toys

How can I explain
The impossibility of your complaint
The way it feels you pray to feel
Yet I pray you never feel this way
But to understand my pain
You would have to become
The thing that I am
You completely despise
My manipulation
And constant lies
I feel so powerless
So weak over drugs
One quick thought
Overpowers your love
With only thoughts of using
Urges that can't be tamed
But your not to blame
Powerless a feeling u pray to know
So u may know my pain
But no man should feel
Such pain that I do
Unless life's path
Has told u too
Out of love
U believe my lies
As bad as I want to be clean
I can't stop getting high

Dream of the day
Recall a vision
Delirious whispers
From beneath
Bitter tongues spray
Thousands stare
Worshiping the weak
Elaborate symphony
Beauty goddess sleeps
Blood mist
Together
Man and woman sweet death
From powerful shadow mother
RIP honey
Dress in white
Next life leaves winter
Watch spring flood in light
Diamonds can shine
But knife heaves a blow
Incubate, head crushed
Beat over
Though under we go
Boiling lake
No luscious garden near
Live show
Sing for eternity
For fiddles play
Your time robbed away
Delicately put
Repulsive and black are they

I close my eyes and drift off to sleep
To awake with a smile from the sweetest dream
The first love of mine, the most beautiful thing
Such an amazing smile
Oh why can't my dreams be reality

She once was mine she is one of a kind
I could search all of my life
But our kind of love is just to hard to find

I wish my dreams were real
Cause when I dream she's with me still
I awake with a smile, but soon pain is all I feel
Oh why can't my dreams be real

I look at my past why did we not last
I was much to young wanted to go have fun
Three years now since I lost you
Wish I controlled time
Cause three years I would rewind
to my happiest time
Where true love I did find
Two hearts to one combined

I know that I hurt you
Sorry for all the pain I put you through
No words can describe
How small I feel inside
Got scared left u alone
But through the years I have grown
With u I am at home
Rachel you are the first love of my life
I dream of you almost every night
When morning comes I fight the sunlight
Cause in my dreams your love I feel
Oh why can't my dreams be real
Why can't my dreams be real

Slowly sinking under water
Scared to lose breath
Death around a every corner
I don't have much faith left
I cry out for mercy
I cry out and beg for death
But all the water dissspears
Leaving me dry except for tears
Your screaming out my answer
To my greatest fear
But the message gets jumbled
The message is just not clear