the fog casts moons ago,
air reeks of insecurities and bad decisions
how it leads to regrets, heartache and countless drops of pain.

I am aware of the catastrophe that I was
easier to rely on the alcohol to forget than bracing through the storms
how my safety nets were worn out,
strangers hands tired of holding, lover's shoulders are heavy from carrying
I was a nightmare I desperately want to wake up from

I refused the be the skeleton in anyone's closet
I'll take it from here
take their hands off my worth, replace it with my own
remove the praises , whispers and chants tainted with the goal to score
and dismiss the thought that I'm only worthy if I'm loved

I'm bidding my goodbye ,
my demon and I can take it from here
I will build a temple out of this body,
and I refuse to let anyone gets in my way
not anymore.

they say you gotta live with the consequences of your actions
but they never tell you how to live with a beating heart that's no longer living
they said time heal all wounds
but they didn't tell about the scars that rings torturous reminder

they say take it one day at a time
they never say time doesn't exist without you
they say there's plenty of fish in the ocean
but they didn't tell you the ocean couldn't drown this sorrow

now I'm paying the price
of loving someone a little much and a little too late

here I am at the edge of this apology
one tap from calling you and telling you how much I miss you.
how my hands are shaky, blocked by my own insecurities
here i am at the bottom of this ***** bottle
tired of being sober
tired of not seeing you
tired of the fact that I let you go
how many times do I have to tell myslef I'll be over you soon
how many prayers do I have to make
my knees are bleeding and my hands are numb
but nothing compares to this ache in my chest
how many nights do I have to miss before i can forget the way you say my name
the way you held my hand,
the way your eyes shudder,
when you held me the first time
our first kiss
i never let any man touch me after you
for I'm afraid that they'll brush your scent off my skin,  
here I am at this cliff where i put you
so high
say it on a loop, like a broken record
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
that my insecurities put us here
that my baggage are just too heavy for you to carry
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
I've been trying to shut this devil in my head
but my flaws blinds me ,
I could only see my scars and I am ashamed , terrified that you'll look away
this skeleton in my closet is my reflection
you don't deserve this bundle of insecurity
I don't deserve you.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
here I am in our favorite place,
coffee cold for the only warmth I want is off your body
here I am at this end of this poetry,
knees on the floor, hands still praying, heart still aching
here I am still,
still so in love with you

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

This is me
In the darken room, in a void hiding from your hands
Don’t touch me
Stop saving me
Let my blood flow
Let these wounds rip
I’m okay
I will be okay.

I’m putting my foot down.
I’ll cut this hair so you’ll stop climbing this tower,
I’ll cover my face for I don’t want to be awake to a true love kiss,
I will let the spindle of the spinning wheel ***** me and surrender to the curse

I’m packing these baggage
The one that’s marked trust issues,
The one with dreams written all over it
I’m bringing it back home
Back home to this ribcage
So please. Let the darkness of this place shine
Allow this sorrow in its heaven
My demons can take it from here

For I am sorry for the way your arms are covered in bruises
Your body became a map of the places you rescued me from
Your eyes dry from trying to stay awake on the nights my demon demand to be accompanied
That you become selfless just because I was selfish

So darling
Let the bulb stay burned
Leave me in my new home
And let your bruises heal

This is my fighting ring
The one I’ve made you bleed for all these years
I will face this nightmare I will let it conquer me
I will fall and fight
And Ill keep fighting
And I will save you from saving me.

And tell me how do I sleep.

Knowing you are someone else’s and not mine

Knowing that I will forever be yours

Knowing that this house that I build

This house with dusts sitting on the other set of china

The one i build after tearing down the walls in this rib cage

House full of echoes. Spitting regrets on the lawn

empty rooms of memories.

This house that you didn't come home to

Tell me how to shut these eyes when I didn't  see you when I should

That my heart was too blind to feel yours

My hesitance caused ache in this chest

The what ifs rings agony,  breed chaos on this sanity

Tell me how can I dream

even there you didn't choose me

Even in my dreams you walked past me

Even in my dreams you didn't love me back.

That I was too late .

Tell me oh please tell me

How do I stay awake knowing I am never yours and you're never mine.