Ever wanted to go back
and never advance again?
Simply quit and lose all track
of the endeavors in vain?

The routine is your own bane
Will keep you from being sane
Oh, there is no greater pain!

Nothing's ever at your favour
Gotta take some time to savour
all those moments before labour

On a journey to the past,
ever steady to the course
Never running very fast,
pursuing a greater force

Onwards, keep calmly receding
Flee towards that place in time
You were once happily singing
That charming and joyful rhyme


*Once Joyful by João Massada is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

So here's the scene:
11:30p.m. on New Year's Eve;
A bedroom, dimmed lights,
And me—in bright pink pyjamas
Which looked completely ridiculous
With my hair and skin.
Life tip: Gingers and bright pink?
Best avoid.
In fact; I don't know why
I was wearing it in the first place—
I don't even like bright pink.
Anyway;
Whatever.

This is not the point.

The point is me;
Sitting at my desk
And writing in my journal
About how emotionally crippling
The past year had been;
Hoping I’d wake up to a better tomorrow—
Only to find the same harsh reality,
Over and over.
And God! What a toll it took on me:
Mentally, physically and spiritually—

When it happened.

It, like a large invisible hand,
Slapping me hard across the face and shouting:

Are you done being miserable?

And maybe that was all I needed to hear.

Once I read that perhaps
You couldn't decide to be happy,
But you sure as hell could decide to be miserable.
And maybe that was one of the truest things I have ever read—
Because that was exactly what was happening.

There is only so much that medications can do,
And only so much that a person could advise,
When your mind is set on:
I don't want to get better.
I don't deserve to get better.

And that’s when I saw it:
A tiny spark,
That was always there but for some reason
I had decided not to see.
And in that moment,
It filled my eyes with blind hope
And I decided:

I am going to let it happen.

I deserve to be happy.


I went to bed that night;
A small smile on my face
And this tiny spark still glowing so bright inside of me.
And that’s when I heard it.

When all was still, except for
The air that filled my lungs,
And the beating of my heart
In synch with the rhythm of the universe:
I heard it.

It was a purpose.
My purpose.
  
It has only been a few days now,
But I know I was right.
Positive.
Because I’m doing okay.

It’s not that I have gained immunity to pain,
Or that some magic has been endowed upon me:
It’s just that I’m not afraid of hurting any more.

And that's just it—
The simple story of how I’ve come to learn,
The most important lesson I have ever learnt, to date.