Measuring the ways in which

I disappear

Mind, Soul, Body.



When asked to tether myself to thoughts

that anchor fear onto bare ankles

balancing the edge of diving boards

leading the way to calming chlorine.



A sideways home filled with

emptied liquor cabinets and screaming doors.

Silencing words before they reach

the underside of my babbling tongue.



If you ask the heart why it self-destructs

Forgets to beat, forgets to hush.

The cause of the ringing in your ears

You mistook for love.



Vanishing girl

floats to the bottom, then

bites her tongue, and falls in love.

She falls in love.

She falls in love.

Reckless words serve their purpose.

You leave, bandage up cracks.

Never speak of it again.

It happens again,



again,

again.



Honesty. The free will you forgot

escapes on its own accord.

A beautiful day with your mother.

A drunken tryst with a friend.

Once you speak it

those chipped pieces of self

shift reliving moments

worse than their inception.



There’s healing in the breaking.

Lingering pain that opens doors,

opens mouths, opens hearts.

You speak his sins

as if they are yours to repent,

to forgive

And forgive,



forgive yourself.



Don’t let them call you weak for staying

so long after it began.

It is always the same ‘they’ who saw the signs

and did not offer the kindness of a hand.



I hope you know

the strength of your light still existed

when it was kept within.

I am finally being forced to deal
with limitations, my mind has set.

So, what does that mean?
I spent a life of heavy determination, littered with no’s
Fighting my body while it screamed that I’d do it anyway.
And I did.
I was astounding, gregarious,
Fearless.
Momentum passed brain chemistry.

This ‘no’ is different.
And it’s lingering
And it hurts.
There is no work harder and achieve.
There is no scream and endure.
There is no getting around this.

No one cares if I get stable
No one cares if I medicate.
It’s a no, that stays a ‘no’
No matter if I promise to change.


I deal
and I have no choice,
but to pull my head out of falling embers.
This residual loss, I watch
my dream as it shatters.
Fading flames can’t catch my attention.
Barely an adult,
and I am carrying around a life sentence.

I buried my heart
within a dying star
and called the burning
love.

Never knew how hard
the sun works to warm
the earth
until I felt my grandmother’s
firm hands tremble in mine
as we held each other tight
until we could free
a smile.

I still carry
phantom memory
of deceptive joy
heavy in my womb.

I keep with me
what you’ve been able to discard
into incoherent stories
crafted from my absence.

Bone creaking silence recites,
“The body does not forget
it scars,
it heals."