enough to make the universe change
enough to make your body foreign
enough to make time bend
enough to make you face your demons
enough to make you forget fear
100 ug
enough to make the world change

I never could write poetry
when i was younger
i thought it
had to sound nice
be structured pretty
be happy
then i said
"**** it
this is the truth
and its all i'm writing"

I need something to help me cope
I need some sort of ******* hope
Something to cover it up
A comforting hug
A warm blanket
That everything feels okay in

Every day waking up to a panick attack
Sound asleep given no time to react
For the oncoming onslaught of pain
Like an asthma attack you gasp for air but to no evade
So you curl up and accept your fate
Then over an hour or so it slowly leaves in waves
Left with a residual feeling never to fully dissipate

my eyes aren't the same as they used to be
every thing is always out of focus
I  listen more now that I can't see
I think my focus all moved to my emotion

this is what the night has crescendo'd into
me sitting here , drunk, nothing to do
I wish I could break this vicious cycle
but I've always been a faithful disciple
once I start down a path
I always try to make it last
but it never works in the end
looks like change always wins

I'm not an idiot or anything
I just make stupid mistakes
its not something I can change
a symptom of the way I was made
I guess I just have to be this way

have you ever died?
layed there curled up and scared
watching every emotion invade your mind
unable to control it, you can only cry
scared of the sweet release
but wanting nothing if not to be free
you let yourself slip into your final sleep

why are the best poems always about death
Blake, Thoreau, Poe, Dickinson, Wilcox, Frye
maybe it's a comfort knowing what to expect  
I'll tell you what it was like for me to die
it is THE most:
terrifying
emotional
eye opening
and awful experience
I've ever lived through
you just sit there
there's nothing you can do
except try and fight it
but that never works
you feel yourself slip a bit
your eyes feel like they're about to burst
tears are now flying
you resign yourself to dying

if only I could think
what would I write then
if only the fog would clear
for now I can only wonder when

When i take these drugs
They take me a little farther from this pain
But when i come down they deposit me
a little farther
From where i came

I'm not gona take my life.  
Cause it's not mine to take.
It was yours which you gave.
Now this burden to bare is my fate.
My hearts filled with love.
Slowly gettin drained.
And its gettin refilled.
With all this pain.
What they are refilling with is high octane.
Wish i could sell my soul.
Just for 1 happy day.
Too bad i cant..
Its not his to take.
Wish i could sell my soul.
too bad i cant..
Cause thats not a deal i can make.

I just woke up
I don't know how I got here
I don't know where I've been
all I know is
I want to get drunk again

I just don't know anymore
about a lot
I mean
there's still stuff I do know
obviously
I know how to eat
I know how to sleep
I know how to breath
but there's so much stuff I just don't know

a cigarette rests between her lips
one hand resting against her hips
a true smile on her face
one the world can't take

Ive made many mistakes
But this is the one
for which i harbor the most hate
She was there right in front of me
The one i was destined to meet by fate
I let her go; no... i drove her away
Wrapped up in my own shelfish
self perpetuating ways
Shes out there i know. and i pray shes okay
But in the world shes in; its just a matter of counting days

If I could collect my thoughts
I would be different
If things weren't so hard
I would be distant
My life is too hard
For me to give in

Laying here destroyed
Both body and mind
I try to blame it on her
But this burden's mine
With thoughts of love in mind
I picked up the bottle
And tried to unwind
It didn't work
Just made everything worse
Woke up side aching in pain
I think I'll get drunk again

some days it comes
some days it stays
all the good poets
say it comes in waves

A dream long forgotten
Close enough to touch again
Usurped just before the end

I wish i could tell you all the things ive wanted to say or do
How i wanted to lean in and kiss you
that last night on the couch
How if i would have just had a little less self doubt, you could be living
down here
with me
right now
instead i left you there
then left you unanswered for months fully aware
knowing the results just not having the resolve to pick up the phone
Thats probably the most selfish thing ive ever done
or ever will do
and its something i know I'll regret for the rest of my life
I want to tell you about the dream i had where we went on a date and it was a perfect night
and how heartbreaking it was to wake up
i want to tell you about how much i care for you and how sorry i am for leaving you where you are
how sorry i am for the way i must have made you feel
how i would never hate you because ive seen who you really are
I want to tell you about how you're so different in such a beautiful way
and how i wish there was a way to truly show you how rare you are
and how much a soul like yours is worth

I tried
I tried hard
It didn't work
It happened again
I don't know why
I tried so hard
And things seemed good
Then things went back
To the way they were
It happens every time
I tried so hard
But this is the story of my life

tossed headlong into the lonely void
nothing with you but your name
what will you do
fight the game and inevitably lose
or ride the winds to other worlds
body floating in space
gambling with emotion
the universe starts to swirl
you see every star as it passes by
you feel every atom as it enters your body
infinitely powerful and free

a place to be hallowed or a place to dread
the choice is yours its all in your head
death, loss, love, life
all yours to make most of or yours to fight

I know this feeling all to well
Waking up liver hurting like hell
So i reach for the bottle
The only thing I know will help

why does this always happen when I'm bored
I pick up the pen and let my heart pour
letting my soul stain the paper
it's always my favorite time waster

if only people could see
how easy it could be
just a glance is all it'd take
perhaps we'd all have a better fate

not a quite room
not a night in a country cabin
not an awkward silence
real silence you can feel
its like all the air got ****** out of the room
real silence has its own sound
and its scarier than anything I've ever heard

society isn't working out
we need to slow down
its like it's a big race
that nobody asked to join in the first place
we should just restart
try it all again
let all the rules come from the heart

The American dream
The long march
Men Sitting in office parks
waiting
listening to the droning sound of a fan
Doing whatever work
Plops in there lap
With no question
As to why
Men driving nails
into concrete
Into wood
in the distance they can hear
the feint sound of an impact drill
they question themself silently
2 no, maybe 3 floors up?
Backhoes of dirt
Back and forth
Being ran by a detached man longing
For his son
and wife
The starving beggar
Passed by everyone on the street
Yet persists hoping to get enough
For his next meal
or his next drink
and im supposed to see this and join in?
and im expected to do this till i die? ha
If this is the american dream
Let me wake up

let me take you on a dark voyage
deep into the dark recesses of your mind
I'll lead you to things you never thought you could find
take 2 of these and call me in the morning
walk with me through gods golden garden and tell me about the trip
tell me what you've learned

the windy man walks across the plains
going where their nature takes him

everything is slowing down
how slow can it go before it
stops

words on paper
ticking off the possibility's
blanks for the mind to infer

my mom slumped over the stove lighting another cigarette
the gas burner clicks on
she leans in dangerously close to light her smoke
she tries to go to the couch
tries to stumble out of the kitchen
she only makes it to the fridge
using it as balance she says some slurred sentences
me and my sister ask what's wrong
more slurs
she finally wobbles to the couch
she passes out with the cigarette still lit

**** this **** that and **** it all
I wish society could get along
but that hasn't happened since before the primordial ooze
something we're born into
not something we choose
in a place like this none of us are winners
we're all destined to lose

If only we could return to a simpler time
If everybody could just unwind
If we could all have a child like mind
Everything could be solved with time

I've ridden the waves before
Yet I keep coming back for more
They keep breaking down,
Crashing on the shore
I keep breaking down,
Yet I come back for more

is it when you're born
or when you decide to start living?