To hate someone
so fiercely,
To have been hurt
beyond conception,
And yet still
care?

Wanting to so badly
just smash my head
against the wall and
make it stop.

How could I still..
After all you did?
No better yet ..
How could you?!
How could you throw me out
So viciously?
Naked, broken,
Pregnant
Again.

With that sinister smile
on your face
As you enjoyed it.
Every step of the way.
Growing gayer
off of my sheer devastation.

There is no way I could still..
**** dear god why do I still..
No I dont still..
I wish I didn't still..
Love
You.

I was her only child
It was not by choice
Her womb taken away by disease
She felt she had lost her voice

The world was not where she lived
It had done so little for her
So she locked me away from the evil outside
Smothered by her care

When I was 5 I started school
And I didn't know what to say
Because I was taught so many things
That they were taught the other way

When I was 14 I liked a boy
But I didn't know how to react
This was a lesson I hadn't been taught
On the inside I felt cracked

But my mother didn't see it
She hated I was shy
'I didn't raise you like this' she said
But this was a lie

And then the evil came back
She became so very ill
And her instincts that stunted me
Came back for the ****

A week before she died
My family sat me down
'Shes dying' they told me
The room spun around

Her one last act
Was to protect me from being sad
But inside the crack deepened
All I felt was mad

Because I was more than that
I was more than being protected
I hardened on the outside
But inside I felt rejected

I became the daughter
My mum wanted me to be
Confident, loud
Someone everyone could see

I drunk away the doubts
I danced away the pain
So that the thoughts inside
Didn't drive me insane

I never cried or moaned
In front of people or alone
So I could prove I was strong
I wanted this to be known

She was taken so early
When i felt for her so much hate
I was robbed of my mother
And now it's too late

We would rather sing songs to wake the birds
And rise to the promising light
Counting the posies beneath our feet

I'm making this for you
To show you how I feel
I told you last night how I felt
And it felt like a weight was taken off me
Maybe I'm doing this for me
To help me deal with you
Not in a bad way
God you're so perfect
Welcome to your blog

She calls no more.
There are no more letters or silly cards from her.
The spot reserved for her emails,
a picture frame thumbnail, sits vacant and sad.
I know I should delete it, but don't know why I haven't.
Ringtones are a dirge.
Pillows and covers and mugs and sofa divots wait expectantly.
Lamenting.
I had to throw out my clothes, the ones she wore when she was cold
or too lazy to pick her own up from the floor.
Was it her scent i could still smell from them after a hundred washes?
Another life is being filled by her existence, now.
He wont notice her impact until it's too late.
I hope it works out between them.
And that she's always safe.

Once upon a wounded soul
a broken promise took its toll
the cracks cut deep
though the scars are old
Once upon a wounded soul

Once upon a bitter tear
a suppressed aching reappeared
regrets can't be shrugged off
after all these years
Once upon a bitter tear

Once upon a lonely night
a little hope returned its light
the soul prepares to love again
the tears have fallen, the eyes are wiped
Once upon a lonely night.