Theara Steglaidias

Jan 2015

Ember Evanescent

It's like why I wake up early. Then you can justify to yourself why you are feelings so lonely. Obviously, since no one else is up, it makes sense you feel lonely, but when you are around people and you still feel lonely, that's when you feel most alone, because it doesn't make sense.

If I'm cold, I can justify to myself the reason I feel that way. I'm not wearing a jacket in the winter, clearly it makes sense that I'm cold. Then, if I feel cold inside even though I'm wearing a thick jacket, I feel even colder than before and can't understand why I feel so cold inside.

it's hard to explain. basically, I'm cold inside, but it's not a normal cold. That's the only way I can explain this feeing. It's unpleasant though. Horrible, actually.

#why #cold #idk #because #thisisthereason

Jan 2015

Ember Evanescent

Breaking Through My Brokenness

I'm going out for a bit
No, just up the hill
I won't be long
Don't worry
I know it's dark out, but I'll be okay
I can see the house from there

Of course what I mean is

I need a break from my family
No, I'm just going somewhere quiet and dark
I'll take as long as I need
Leave me alone
Yeah, of course it's dark, that's why I like it. Just shut up and let me be
I'm not even far away, you're overreacting!

Six missed calls, but I have my earbuds in and my music blasting
The same song on repeat
I came to write poetry, maybe some song lyrics
This is the pen I stole from the library
I scribble with it but the stupid thing won't write
It's freaking Broken
Now I know how He felt
He stole my freaking heart just to find out that it was already Broken
I hate being Broken
All I wanted was to come here and write
But I get lost in the tune
I finish drinking my sugarless chai tea that I brought with me
Every time I tip my head back to take a sip, I see the stars better
Forget writing, for just half an hour
Forget life
Forget school, and work, and deadlines and everything
Just forget it all
Let it go
Look at the beautiful stars
Pulling up my knee high boots
I get over my paranoia of being watched, or stalked
Nobody is hiding behind the tree or in the shadows, waiting to pounce
No one is going to attack me while I'm sitting on this bench in the darkness in the late evening
I'll be fine
I watch the winter frost along the tips of the grass sparkle and shimmer
The stars are so magnificent
I put the same song on repeat
A song that doesn't tell a clear story, but I can relate to any situation
I've listened to it since elementary school
And here I am years and years later
It is still saving me from myself
I am feeling broken and hollow
I hate myself, I hate life, I hate hating my face, I hate feeling so worthless
But forget that for a minute
I stop checking the time and I ignore the strange looks I get from the residents in the windows of the houses surrounding this little park area watching me and wondering why I'm out here so late all alone
I'm ugly, I'm cold, I'm stupid, I'm a waste of space
I don't deserve life
I don't deserve to talk to anyone
I don't deserve to annoy anyone with my existence
I don't deserve respect, or love, or loyalty or happiness
I think this daily.
I feel bad about freaking cars having to go to the trouble of stopping for me even when I have right of way at a crosswalk
But I have on my black comfy leggings
My black tank top,
My black slouchy cardigan
My black knit tuque
My lips are still slightly stained a faded red from this morning
My eyes are heavily outlined in black
The black is comfy for me
It makes me feel safer
I blend in with the night
I feel happier when I put all the black I have inside, on the outside instead
It's always better to externalize the darkness
Somehow, even though it looks pretty depressing, it helps
I stand up and begin pacing
I turn up the music and inhale, deeply
The winter air bites at my lungs, stinging my skin with its bitter icy fingertips
I let the cold seep into my breathing
To freeze all that burning self-loathing
I force a smile on my face
Somehow, in this dim starlight
I can see Peace so much better than in the sunlight
I breathe so deeply in until I can't intake anymore air
My lungs are at their limit
The smile I'm forcing stops being forced as the winter air and the music's melody washes away all those horrible Broken feelings
A strange feeling overtakes me as I wander around, pacing in spirals with my head tipped upwards, my eyes dancing along the constellations and the shining moon
Maybe the moon isn't whole tonight, but it still shines bright
Maybe I'm not whole, but that doesn't mean I can't shine bright
My phone is ringing, but forget that.
I can't stop smiling, I'm walking around in curvy lines my eyes staring up in wonder, my arms slightly spread
I'm happy
Oh my gosh, I'm happy
I almost laugh, I can't believe the burden is lifted.
The car pulls up, and I realize I've been gone longer than I meant
They've been searching for me.
They're angry, but I'm inexplicably happy
I smile and nod, then saunter home, my music still playing
The Happy feeling doesn't linger too long, but even when it fades out,
For the rest of the night
I'm left in a neutral state
Not *my neutral state, which is just sadness,
But a happy person's neutral state
Truly not unhappy
Peace.
That's all I wanted.
And I got it, tonight.

Really long story, but essentially, my point is, I felt happiness, and that's rare for me. Stars, music, and tea. That's all I needed. Oh, also a little black, cold air to breathe and a moon. A smile doesn't hurt either. ;)

#happy #smiling #woah #breathing #imokay #omgimhappy #sothisiswhatneutralfeelslike #nondepressed #foronce #ifonlyforamoment

Theara Steglaidias Jan 2015

Sometimes The Best Medicine Isn't Medicine

The texts came through
the other day
calling me out
to come and play

They were all going to dinner
and I had to go to
Really I had no choice
they would know something was up if I said no

So carefully I walked from
my sheltered hiding place
stepping from the abyss
to go and pretend

I locked up my heart
through up my shields
ready to face their pitiful eyes
as they stared down and the girl that was broken

They wouldn't understand
they would wonder why I was broken
They would pity me
when all I wanted was to forget

I felt broken, dark inside
and I guess that got the better of me
because I seemed to have forgotten
that it didn't show on the outside

They laughed and joked
talked all night
and as I looked at them
In their eyes shawn appreciation

They didn't see me as broken
they saw me as whole
they didn't try to fix me
yet they fixed me all the same

I didn't need to pretend
because happiness is contagious
and when someone doesn't see you as broken
you start to see yourself as whole

They were like children playing with a broken toy
but to them it wasn't broken
because it was filled with fun and joy
and they had found it in the box that way

Sometimes when your feeling like your falling back to the abyss all you need is for someone to tell you how bright and fun you are, with eyes filled with appreciation. Someone who doesn't try to fix you, or support you, or see through the pain. Someone who simply doesn't know that your in pain. But note I said.. sometimes.

#ignorance #pity #laughing #sometimes #appreciation

Jan 2015

Ocean Blue

I will give you...

... My eyes,
To mirror your sighs,
I will give you my smile,
To dance with your smile,
I will give you my hands,
For you to paint the beauty
Of the fertile lands
In the hills of Tuscany.
I will give you my open arms
To surround your shoulders,
When you feel cold during the winters.
I will give you my soft kisses
To dry up your tears
On your pale cheeks
So I can chase your fears.
I will give you my memory,
For you to remember
Our forgotten kisses, if any.
I will tell you some of my secrets,
Even the ones from the Pool,
In case you show interest,
And there you would think I'm a fool.
And of course I will give you
My Ocean Blue,
For you to dive into.
But I will never give you
Anything that can hurt you.
Somehow,
You need to know
That I can only give all this
When you come back from the abyss
To which you've decided to depart,
Leaving me alone to dream of you,
With art.

Jan 2015

Ember Evanescent

Why are you sad.

Because.

if I knew, I'd tell you.

#sad #ijustwanttobehappy #ijustwanttosleep #ijustcantsleep #ihavesomuchworktodo #ijustdontwanttobesadanymore

Jan 2015

Ember Evanescent

I'm okay right now [Haiku i guess]

Usually I lie
Whenever I say I'm fine
Except not right now

Hmm.
Surprisingly.
I feel okay
Of course, I know it's not going to last,
but I'll enjoy it while I can.
I can breathe.

I recognize that this haiku ***** but I felt the need to express the fact that I'm okay because it doesn't happen very often and I figured I should actually put it in a poem format instead of a short rant

#surprisingly #imokay #woahifoundagrape #woahlookatthaticanbreathe #ithinktheteahelps #iwantchocolate #woahifoundachainsaw #ohnomychainsawsonfire #yeymychainsawsonfire

Jan 2015

Ember Evanescent

He texts me everytime I'm finally okay.

Well, I did want to feel something, I guess.
That is what I asked for.
Now I'm shaking so bad I can't even play the piano.
Just when I was happy too.

I just can't. It's so hard to type.

#idk #ijusthatehim #imworthless #hemakesmefeelsofragile