I've always wondered
What could have happened if I stayed?
Sometimes I imagine
That maybe the life I always wanted
Was a life where I'd always be snuggled in your embrace
I wonder what could have happened if I turned around
If I'd made that one last glance back at you
Before fully walking out of the life we had
In every hour, in every second of everyday
I'd vividly visualize what emotion your face would've given me
And each time I do, all the feelings come back
I feel your warmth like a fire long extinguished
And I freeze to the brink of death
Frozen, but not enough to die
Certainly not enough to live
And so,
Cruelly, to satisfy myself
I decided to accept your invitation to come over
I knocked on your door again
Thrice, like I always had
The sound my peaceful fist made knocking on your door
Made me think about all the times I heard you do the same on mine
It made me think how much I wanted to rush to the door, open it and smell your scent
It made me think about how much I want to see you
But then a stranger all dressed in white opened your door
He saw my sleepless eyes
And smiled at me
Like he knew who I was
And it made me think how much I regretted leaving
And painfully regretted coming back

I wait, excited for when I see you again.
touch your fingers
kiss your lips
hear your voice.

But you always wanted more.

Because instead of wanting to see me
you wanted to see how the dress you bought looked on my body,
instead of touching my fingers
you wanted to invade  the parts of my body i regarded sacred,
instead of kissing my lips
you wanted to devour my mouth
and dominate me to show how weak i am,
instead of hearing my voice
you wanted moans and cries of pleasure
screams for the world to hear that I belong to you.

I sit here on the bed.
After your rounds of happiness and my forced labor.
I ask you who was the girl that you were so clearly flirting with last night and you tell me  it was just harmless flirting
and I bite my tongue
because i wanted to scream at you
Is it harmless,
that when you canceled on our date because you said you were sick,
someone told me that they saw you at a club, that you were gripping that girl's waist
and grinding on her like you were her man?
Is it harmless,
that everyday you rub it in my face how immensely inexperienced and timid i am
compared to the other girls you've been with?
Is it harmless,
that you asked me if it's okay if you ***** other girls
and I was taken aback and it was clear that I didn't approve?
You said
"They don't really mean anything, I just need some variety."
I knew right there that even if I didn't allow you, you'd still do it.
And right now
I’m just confused more than ever as I ask you again
What exactly we are and you say
“We're exclusively dating.”
But most of the time it’s more like
exclusively *******
with each other
with other emotions
with our non-existent commitments.
Because after just a mere 5 minutes of you being with me
and I refuse to spread my legs for you,
you have the nerve to lie to my face and look me in the eye and say
"My love for you gets stronger everyday."
And I swoon, being the naive little girl that I am
I am hung up on your words and I say yes when you ask me if we're okay.
But I know that by okay you mean okay with being invaded.
And with every pound, with every ******
The word love is replaced by lust
so now the sentence is
"My lust for you gets stronger everyday
and my love for you decreases the same."

I am so tired and so worn down from the weight of all my insecurities and you come hobbling in with your own bag of insecurities and stick it inside of me which you only do when other girls don't want you to.

Well guess what
For the first time in my life,
I'm
gonna
say
no.

one who wished to fly,
     a man of great metaphors
     whom we'll surely miss.
mentor he became,
     taught us many ways of life
     before he took flight.

I'd pour my soul out
in this poem,
but it's already gone.
I gave it to you.