up down
trapped in churning waves
pulling you under
thunder chrashes and lightning screams
you reach for the surface
desperate

it breaks

the sea is calm
you can float
gulls sing
the sun glistens
you rest
your finger tips making patterns in the waves
ripples

is it worth the storm?

the sun turns hot
blinding
you sheild your eyes
it's not enough
the sea boils
you scream

and get pulled under

things are calm
dark
empty
the sea is dead and cold

and is taking you with it

you hear a rumble of thunder and close your eyes

you wait for the calm

shes immortal, charging down the middle of the road at 1 am
she's a being above the rest, above consequences above the car hurtling towards her

she beautiful, flirting with anyone who will meet her eye
she is untouchable, with no fear to the eyes that track her movement or the smiles that are too wide

she's powerful, slinging insults, throwing punches, smashing empty bottles
she is limitless, can't feel the breaking skin, the broken knucles, the scrap of glass

she's immortal (above it all)
beautiful (untouchable)
powerful (limitless)

---------------------------


she is collapsed on the floor at five am

she asked "do you feel loved?" and I froze, and for once, I could smile, my life as a tapestry, spun up with thusands of colors, both visible to the human eye and not, it grows dark and grungy, gashes torn where somethings were too ugly to be part of the story, but, next to every gray & black thread, is a rich and stunning pink, making it's way like a nervous system through every struggle and downfall, is this beautiful pink,the only thread I did not spin my self and the most beautiful shade of all, as gifts are. I smile up at her, my veins alight this soft pink, keeping me alive more then the deep red of blood ever could "yes, and it saves me"

She asked "are you happy?" and the words are like a punch. each one unraveling thousands of memories of yesterday and the day before and before, trying to unravel the gray that perminates each scene, going, 'is there happiness here?' looking for shades of yellow and orange, of pinks and rose gold, admist the blues and grays and the violent storms, 'is there happiness here?' & then I find it, nestled away & funny colored, not brilliant splashes of light like I had hope to find but small rays that outshine the silver sadness that let me look up at her and give her the smallest yes I've ever mustered while realizing I must push for more

she asked "do you feel safe?" her voice gentle, curling around my ear before the words softly entered into my mind, leaving kisses along the path they travel to my brain
kisses that bloom into flowers, taking root deep into gray mater, the flowers grow behind my eyes, leaves and petals pushing at my eyelids, bursting to get out before falling as liquid drops of silver that bleed out around my eyes and into the real world, the real world where actions have consequences and people can feel safe. I meet her eyes with my own, liquid silver and flowers and thorns and tell her "no"

when I first remember what happened to me as a child, I was filled with this horrible burning feeling of injustice
I cried out
it's not fair! it's not! that other kids play & laugh & grow happy
it's not fair that other people don't know exactly how cruel a person can be
I screamed & cried that it wasn't fair, I shouted it to the heavens
it's not fair!
the counselor with me said no
no it's not fair
but you have something those other kids don't
you know the truth
you are not ignorant to the suffering in the world
& when other people scream
it's not fair!
you are much more inclined to listen

Remember the first night we sat down together? looking for something we both needed

Everything was so frightening back then, perched on the edge of my future, scared to jump

Cast that fear away, a small voice said, I'd never heard that voice before, it was beautiful

Over and over the voice said it's message, until it roared in my head,  until I braced my self, and jumped

Violent was my fall to the bottom, hitting every ledge & smashing into every outcropping, but it was to late to get back on that cliffs edge where I hid for so long

Eventually, I hit the ground. bruised and ******, healing would be slow

Rising up from my slumped position I realized the power of the fall, on the cliff side I had no where to go, but here?

You have to take the leap, so you can finally take steps forward

he slinks through the shadows, wispering in peoples ears, spreading messages, stories, passing from lips to ear, hidden behind hands,

"he tells the best stories"
"he's so funny"

the words tumble out his mouth, faster and faster, a rushing river of need to say, of get it out, loosing control, saying it to any ear near him, to anyone who will react, who will hear his cry

"I didn't want to know that"
"why'd you tell them that?"

listening ears turn away as the words twist, become mangled and ugly, things that should be forgotten but are engrained, stories of when he went to far, almost fell, almost lost his thrown

"keep it to yourself"
"what's wrong with you"

but the words keep coming, they need to be heard, to be shared, to be listened to, he needs someone to hear his story because maybe if he says it enough, if enough people listen, he can be free


he stands alone in a dark room, no more whispered words, no more passing secrets, no more truths spilled, he talks to empty ears, tears on his cheeks

"it's not enough"