12.08.20                                    

                                     I adore watching you
                                   play with petals sinful.
                     On misty evenings during sunshine storms –
                                            you make me weak
                                   watching wandering fingers
                                          roaming depths unknown.
                            Arousal upon dancing
                            to timid moans.
                                       Tracing the lines
                                       along the map
                                                       of delicate skin
                                                  beneath your slender waist.
                                      The solo show!
                                                           ­ Performed for one;
                                              love fountains
                                                       ­  erupt.

Her fingers prance around
        the bloodied strings.
    She keeps a grin plastered on her face;
the moist in her eyes gives her away.
      The air vibrates when she releases her voice –
                                              angelic whispers
  with tales of underlying suicide.
           He looked at the sky
                      and its chocolate shade;
spun around her playing, and blinked away tears.
                Death didn’t cry
    but staring in her lifeless eyes
                            made him feel
     such sadness he hadn’t felt in a long time.

she woke up because her feet were cold
The window was open
and she had not the audacity to
stand and shut it in someone else’s house

He was still asleep
beside her
The sheets were stained with her maiden’s
blood
That was all right
She was twenty
But him.... He was also twenty but that’s not the point

This was the boy who
put her through hell during both middle
and high school

The bully

There was that time when he pushed
her down the stairs
and broke her thumb

that time during the field trip
when he threw a rock
straight into the side of her head

that time when he put
a frog in her
lunchbox
And another in her backpack that she
carried home

That time he kicked the ball
in her face giving her
a ****** nose

that time when he threw a snowball
at her ear

And there was another incident
resulting in a chipped tooth

and all of that was besides the
name-calling and the random hair pulling
and the tripping and the scaring
and all...

Yet now here she was
Here they were
In his house
In his bed

And all because he contacted her the previous day
and apologized for everything. Truth
is her life placed some nasty miles both
behind and ahead of her
and someone being nice all of a sudden...

It was so easy to get her
And what did he think of her now?

She felt tears trickling down
her cheeks as she thought of this and
stared at his sleeping body beside her

Maybe the time to
get revenge was now

Or was it not?

he was a doctor

*******, they were looking at
a doctor
He came into the casino in a suit,
the same suit every day and night
dark gray
shiny with grease around the
elbows and lower back
smelly
patched up in places

he kinda forgot what it was like to be
sober

and lately he kinda forgot what
it was like to win at the slot machines

he forgot how to perform surgery
how to diagnose a patient

forgot what the company of a woman felt like

forgot what love was

he was a machine that consumed cheap
but strong alcohol
Rubbing alcohol filtered through bread
That stuff was 70% alcohol
his liver knew it

"Ah, pleaseeee, for the love of God, don't
make me work with this
stuff again," he would scream while
playing at the slot machine

and the bouncer would walk up to him
and say, "Hey, hey, doc. Everything all right, man?"

"Oh, sorry. That was my liver shouting
through my mouth. He's a *****."

They say companies that deliver food
get very suspicious when their
regular customers,
the people who order every day,
stop ordering all of a sudden
They even check on them

Well, we don't deliver food
but we got really concerned when
our favorite doctor stopped
showing up
all of a sudden

Maybe our managers would've checked
up on him but
there was no phone to call
and no door to knock on

Still, one of our boys went to the nearby
park and asked the homeless men around
for our favorite doctor
and the man handed him a
newspaper

****,
it wasn't even on the front page
there was some political **** on the
front page
Nobody gave a **** about that article

The real thing was a few pages
after, not even colored
HOMELESS MAN DIES AFTER TRYING TO
PERFORM SURGERY ON HIMSELF
IN PUBLIC RESTROOM

That was a doctor with guts
Guts pouring out of him
straight into the sink
and another cluster found in the toilet

We framed the article and pasted
it on a board in the back room
of the casino

our very own patron saint

today: another sensible no other -
no other day like this towing to and from
as also a too-tomb,

                   on a "horizon" a sunrise
of a toothache -
   come the murky hours circa 4pm
(and if i'm still walking)

i'll debate myself (that reflexive self)
on two words in another tongue
in another soul:

zmrok
                          & zmierzch -

perhaps there is a distinction as in:
one is allocated to the sunset
the other to a sunrise:

        old father english with an 8
year old bumblebee of hope
now: scraps of unused tongue
popping up from time to time...

well... apparently some toys
from the thesaurus: synonym juggling
act...

dusk... twilight...
       either side of the "conundrum":
a twilight...

świt                     &              brzask...

words that stick-out almost painfully
like some woad pigment
on dulled-eye grey of traffic...
words that could be
like some borrowed greek
or...    mjumbe in swahili...

closer: baron... some myth of a return
to the:
großartig nicht enden wollend

wie so

der sagt: rauchenbellengeruch und:
                no, not crocodile weather...

                 or at least a pair of legs that
drain the head from all that's thought:
that can, that should that also probably
shouldn't:

not that death is this miraculous veil /
unveiling -
even when peering at a well manicured /
pampered in the face corpse:
as with the shutting of a grave:
as death doubles down and becomes
ultra-materialistic -
            
                             well... to think of life
as governed by this
      automated prefix
                            self-
                          notably: self-reflection
is the expression...
             not that somehow, with due death
one will somehow find the "lesser" /
uncomplicated / the more intrinsic levers
and gauges for: how best to operate
the gut - at the perilous depths of
constipation or     "         heights of
                                            diarrhoea...

a reflection on the cranks and crannies of this
semi-robotic: press A for exhibit Aa... etc.,
such this sometimes bothersome
"self-reflection": automated...
     the thoughts that are necessarily thought
from which only a pause is
source for inspiration...

that death can allow for self-reflection
to become a sought after: the reflective self?

- so, eventually what?
nuances in language: idiosyncratic at best?
my own my own:

/
   by then: i somehow have to return
to some ?, "the universal reader" / the formal-ality
and all manner of courtesy -
pray! not a curtsy!

otherwise... apparently ciphers disallowed,
disallowed:
packed together, bothersome,
like fleas on a dog's comb...
          because it's me-me-not-like-this
or me-me...
                 very much, appreciated...
                                                                      //
an honest opinion - honestly free...
               poem for a pebble, comment for a peanut...
it would have otherwise meant so much...
wasser-unter-die-brücke...
              why be plagued with writing
something so comprehensive?
             so safely: two horses towed
an empty trough through a thought of mine...
apparently this isn't... even english...
it's not even "complicated" english...
t'is... brain-damaged english?
                              whatever it is...
                                          at your own peril. //

As by magic she did appear
Laughing freely with voice and eyes
Instantly the puzzle was clear
Neatly the pieces organise,
A perfect picture full of cheer

Some say that pure luck can explain
Every success or accident.
Random kinks in the road remain
Each obstacle masks its intent.
Narrow pathway to preordain
Deity’s jest to represent.
It just makes no sense to complain
Providence guides life yet unspent.
In small steps across life’s terrain
The way to be truly content
Yield to serendipity’s reign