You text small books
About ocean waves
And contemplative frames of mind
And for some reason
I find myelf counting the minutes
Like by tide levels
Until you give me
something new to talk about
I need to slow down

No doesnt mean pursuade me
Doesn't mean kiss my neck
Doesn't mean try to talk me to bed
No means I'm done with this situation
That ive found something new
No doesn't leave it up for discussion
My careful distance
doesn't mean move closer
Or pour me another drink
Or take a salty tone with me
No means leave me alone
I've got somthing else going
Chase your own things
Give me my space...
I'm done
Hes beautiful
If you want to be friends
I'll tell you about him

Blooms are my favorite things
The way they spread open
by sun or moonlight
How they are laid out
at weddings and funerals
I keep them domestic on the diner table
And wild in the yard,
where I had spread wild flower seeds.

Anemone,
Blooms so numerous
that rivers run red.

I got nervous before I saw you
Wonder what that means.

Magpie
For dark hair
and light eyes
And rugged charm
But so are they
For red hair and red lips
like baiting crows
With shiny things
Waiting for ravens
with colors in their wings
The play of colors
like dancing flames
Makes all the difference.

I'm entirely made of salt
Over the things you have said
And how confused they have left me
"If this is you cold
Your warmth must have been radiant"
Good luck with your long game
She is so ******* lucky

Of course you take the thing I want
Say here's half
but wait
no here's all
but just out of reach
because he's gonna be responsible
but don't worry
he likes you
he thinks you're attractive
but he knows
it cant be casual
but doesn't that feel great
to know that you could have
but you cant
because of this twist of fate

You know how people say they love poetry? How they can quote the classics and elicit a response of admiration from those surrounding them? I can quote very little poetry. I know so few lines by heart. But I love poetry in that I could bury myself in it. And despite that some of my own words fall flat on the paper, I love the play of the lines. Poetry is the cure for the sadness in muly soul. Good writing is better than alcohol and I like to drink in both. I watch him smoke his cigarettes, a few a day. The way he lazily holds them in fingers and lips. I rarely smoke, but I hold words in that same lazy way and with that same desperate need. I wrote these words long ago... but something in you has woken my soul.

Nothing reminds me of you,
you never leave my mind.

I've forgotten the panic  of
"Does he like me back?"

I wish i could bleed this
I cant make him real on paper
The way he stands
Or smiles
or speaks
Like the impossibly red necesity
Of the blood that flows through my veins
But shows blue through my skin
Not exact
But close
Like my facination with his hands
And that they make art
And that i just want to be close
But cant explain
How that feels
There are no words
In any language
There is only art for this
And that is still impossible to read.

I wish I could draw hands
There's something remarkable about yours
When you are holding your camera
Or your coffee cup
Or when you lean
against the kitchen door frame
In dawn light
One handed grasp on the pullup bar
And the flow of your forearms
And the way your sleep heavy eyes
Reach mine

I look at you like a painting
I love but can never afford to touch
Walking to the gallery every day
Trying to memorize
The way the light bends around it
Wondering if i can talk the artist
Into giving it to a loving home
For the 50 bucks in my pocket.
I dont have much
...
But this broken mind
And that youve filled it.
Yesterday,
I bartended in the summer rain
And could only remember
that you said
You love to dance.
Nobody
Not even the rain
Compares to you

The pictures and texts
You send
Maybe im peering to deep.
Trying to learn your game.

Am I on your mind
As you go about your day.
Does your breath catch
when you think I may not stay.
Do you think of me at all
When you touch the camera
with steady hands
and wonder why they shake
when you reach toward me?

I like your ink on paper perminance
The hard line of intensity
In your hand writen notes
Around the house
Even the grocery lists
And the way your hands shook
When you zipped my dress
I take it you are not shaken often
And the way you hang out
around the kitchen
While i sit on the counter
And look at you
I watch your lips when you speak
Wondering if that passion exsists
In your kiss
And wondering how often
I can sit on your bed
Without you laying me down
I wonder if you can read my eyes
Like story books.
I wonder if you know
I wonder if you know
I see you too...
And the way you look at me.

Fate hates us
or doesn't exsist at all
we are both ever star-crossed.
In all we do.
Its gotta be that sign
And that we, somehow,
were born within a day
And are yin and yang
with cores the same
Im sorry
we both hurt so much
Fate can go **** its self
The fire is in our blood
to
Burn the earth
with our touch
don't you know
that we
shake everything we touch.
We. Are. Entirely. Made. Of. Starlight.
Sister I know
We can do this.

This is probably a bad idea
But ****
You are electric
And chalenging
And wicked smart
So maybe it wont be so bad
But at the same time
I know
I should keep my hands
To my **** self
Because you are not alone

and am trying to forget
because we haven't talked in a while
and you said this is difficult
And I don't know why.

Today has been spilling
Dark truths
I didn't think I ever wanted to speak.

It was never about you
hateing the way I dress
But you trying to dress me
Or you hating it when I sang
But the way you made me stop
Or you complaining about my red lipstick
But the fact you wouldnt kiss me
Or you sleeping in anothers arms
But that you blamed it on me
And now I realize it was never about me
Not even a little.

You keep asking me to come back to you
I can't because I don't love you
But also because
I can't forget you hitting me
Or bossing me around.

There's a flood in the washroom
And I cant get ready
So I sit reading you
As I have in many of my recent
Spare moments
You're quickly becoming my favorite.

There used be this radio station
....Until I a w a k e
That played all the songs I really liked
. .....We just ......hope that you
                                                 ma  de it.
But it never came in quite right
We hope that
you're celeb
ratin
g.
But I still used to listen everyday
With peo.   ple you mis...shhhhh/ s.
To the static.
And bur..... li
ke a beaco
n,
Because somehow it was still satisfying
Guidi
ng........... our s
.............hip
And when it would rain,  
aroun
               d this helli
                                sh shoal.
I guess it cut out the interference.
I'm happy to admit that maybe I am a little depressed,
And maybe thats why...
I feel you when it rains
*Cause I'm missing you to death.

Next year
Tickets somewhere under 1500 round trip
Airbnb 30 a night
Train passes around 100
1 week in london
1 in dublin
Where I might stay indeffinately
If i dont get into grad school
And find a job
And get a visa
Plus spending money.
Anyway the point is
I need to get out of this town
And probably this country.

And maybe
Ill see you.

Artists like us
Have a rare form of narcissism
In which
We think we are ****
But we want others to see our ****
And enjoy it
And when they do.
It's intoxication
To much wine
On an empty stomach
Fade to black

Growing up
My uncle had this *******
Junkyard dog
And the dog had a bear
And i was 5
And i didnt really want the bear
But next thing i knew
It was craddled to my chest
And the dog stratched
to get it back
It left a deep red reminder on my arm
And i hid it from my mom
So she wouldent know i took the dog's bear
I still have a scar there.

But look
what im saying is,
Though this is into the void
And you will never hear it,
I'm sorry.

God I miss
You
As I am laying
Intoxicated
On my friends floor.

Here the sun turns cars to ovens
It melted the red lip stick
You said you liked
On my petal lips

So I bought a new shade
Not the same cherry
But a sanguine red
As if I bit my lip
And ran the blood across the soft curves

If my lip bled
I know you'd lick it off
That kiss would taste
like rain and rust and wet flowers

The point is
I know you'd like this colour
And that makes me smile

Its 6 am
The cicadas fill the air
With their repetative songs
Of lust
Just out of time
With the ticking clock on the wall
Its just enough
to keep and insomniac awake
But so is silence.

Its 6 am
and i wish i could lace
My pink running shoes
And chase the bats from my head
With the sherbert coloured sunrise
Yet they are burried
In my back seat
Under all the things
I somehow aquired.
And dont want anymore

Its 6 am
And i like the silence
Of my own breathing
Filling the strange room
And i dont know
Despite being half mad
And displaced
I find a smile on my lips
A kind of bliss in the solitude.
And now:
I have so much time to read.

The atlantic was born today
In silence and simultaneous storms.

"You're especially beautiful today
There is something different"
"I'm happy"

Listen
Leave the masachism to me
Dont call
Dont write
Certainly do not fight for me
You cant win boy
No one can
Not with your skill set
Im done being trampled down
Into complacency
Bruised to believe
My worth comes from you
With your stinging words
And dead self-esteam
Always clawing at my back
To make me feel owned
Not wanted
To leave your mark
Not send waves of pleasure
Dont you know
In love you have to give as good as you get
I was your property
I dont know
if you ever were capable of loving me
I know you
And your
Sociopath mind
Believe you do
I tried to do this softly
But youre making it hard
Not to spit venom.
I could tell you
Reasons why i dont love you
But none of those
are why I left
I left because
I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE
simple
Deadly

I never thought
About my-self
the way you have discribed
Until I looked
At my favorite song

You managed to **** up
A **** good day
Calling me to talk you down
From a bridge
I know you've never stood on
Saying you cant live without me
Baby you cant live with me
Did you think
that would make me love you
Feeling more like ****
But then again
thats
Always
Been your play.

3 hrs of sleep
And waiting in the cold guest bed
For you to leave
For work
So I can quietly dissapear
After the damage I've done.

I never wanted to hurt you

I told you last night
That my love for you
ran dry
Before I even knew it was dying
Tears filled your eyes like saucers
And mine

I never wanted to hurt you

A string of friend's couches in waiting
I hope I find an apartment soon
I need a home apart from you
I dont really know how to move
all my things

As I lay next to him in bed
He says words
Foriegn to his tounge
"I love it when you sing"
I know he's afraid to lose me.
"I'm sorry
I ever called your writing trite."
"You look so beautiful like that."
Why?
You only see me when the color drains
From my eyes.
You only see me
When I'm fading.

I'm listening to those old songs again
I've never been on the hurting end
And I cant be
Cause if I hurt you
You won't love me

Last night I told you what I wanted
You seemed excited to comply.
But now I’m wondering
Is it just an act.
Am I ******* with your happiness
With my adventurous spirit
Do my needs cause you
To feel less loved
I wish if I asked you would tell me
I wish you knew
I care about what you need too

My stomach knots
Say I'm pretty
Take me to bed

Realizing my doubt
Is not your fault
Someone long ago realized
There is a monster in my rib cage
Eating at my heart
And I have always ingnored it
Even from the start
Steadfastly believed
I have always been happy

But sometging must have changed
And now I know
its not the way you say my name
(This still breathes the way it did)
Or the way you kiss me
(You still put fire in my veins)
Or the way you look at me
(My heart still stops)

But instead its growing up
And realizing somethings always been wrong
That the chemical switches in my brain
Have all developed misfires
And that monster in my chest
Has broken through its cage
Is now in my mind

And the fact of it is
I probably need help

"I'm going miss you"
Of
     Course
I'll miss you too.
But
      This summer
Reeks with
  The memory of what happened
Especially when you say

"Are you gonna come home
Pack up
Leave"
I wasn't planning to
      I've always loved you
          I've never left you

"Are you ******* your TA"
The actual ****
      Why
I've
never
Given
Anyone else
The time of day.
Why talk to me that way

Im sure it's projection
But give me a breath man
I'm drowning trying make you happy
Your boot prints on my waterlogged shoulders

"Am I excited to come home"
I dont really know
Who I'm comming home to
Anymore
What happened to you

Why throw me into doubt?
Look at me,
You know my hearts never been out
Of the little box of love you've seen.

Why drunkenly kiss my hand?
And why right then?
You knew I was afraid again,
Why usher the doubt in?

Why you, in your maturity,
You knew better:
Knew better than to touch me.

Voicing your warnings of wait,
From a vantage
Of bitter taste.

Friend ,
I was young and happy,
Why widen the crack
For doubt to come it.

I Don't know what to say
When I get home

Did I miss you?
"Yes"
Do I love you?
"Yes"
Do I want you?
"Yes"
Am I staying?
"I dont know"

You hurt her
Your hands too big too strong
Your love too fickle
Don't you know her heart is forest
And you are fire
Be gentle next time
She is worth more than you
But this you know

On your first date
She will ask your favorite book
And watch your face
like shes trying to memorise the details
She will show you a night like youve never seen
Because she sees everything

You'll know you're dating a writer
Because she is always changing
Understand that in her mind
She is a character always under revision
She will never ask your permission

Youll know you'rw dating a writer
When love moves past infatuation
You'll see her yearning for fire
Kindle that flame
Because she can't live without it
And you will never be the same

I once thought I had never loved
But you
It's true and it isn't
I can remember thinking that I loved before
I can remember tearstreaked eyes
And heart pain
But as I lye next to you
In our bed
The way this feels makes
Every other so insignificant and meaningless
That I know I have only really loved you
You're the only one that matters
A truth I'm finally okay with

Somewhere inside my ribcage
the one your hands grasp
and linger over
the one that holds my lungs
that are fit to burst when i see you
is a heart which loves you
it relishes your words
and only beats your name
in its frantic paces
and its rare steady ones
as it stumbles and rushes
and when I am peacefully in your arms
holding you close
my head on your shoulder
just feeling you solidly there
and writing stories
and sharing love
and with you
my entire world is music
and my heart loves your heart
because i can hear it speaking with mine
somewhere beneath your ribcage
beside the lungs that give volume
to precious words
is your heart
and i can feel it beat against my hand
and i can hear you say
that you love me

I love holding your hand
how i can feel your heart beat
in my finger tips
I love the warmth of your skin
against my ever cold body
i love kissing
at night
and in the morning
and when you leave for work
and when you're being silly
i love dancing with you
when i get home
I love being yours
I love you
I am fascinated
You are an enigma
that my scientist brain can never understand
  and my writers heart can never put into words
you are stardust
and stomach butterflies
you are the most nonsensical
and yet most vital concept in my world.
I am convinced that you are magic
and not in the silly tricks kind of way
but in the way magic existed
before people figured out science
and who's to say they are not the same
you can show me the chemicals in my brain
that make up love.
but no,
what we have is magic
because you make me notebooks
out of six pack cardboard,
you make me dance in front of strangers,
and i can't come up
with a sensible reason that you still
steal my breath just by existing.

I love him
I love the way he looks at me
Makes me feel beauty
goddess
fire-brand
The way he vibes with me
all acceptance and waiting arms
I love collapsing into him
letting him support me

But thats just it
I let him support me
I can stand
but I don't have to
how dare you criticize me
for needing him

I am different from you
but I am not wrong
he knows secrets from my lips
i have never spoken to another sole
because he accepts me
and everyone needs to be accepted
and loved unconditionally
He's taught me to be that for myself
by being that for me

something that you never were
who call yourself family

I am excited
I am woman
in a time when things are changing
for us.
I can feel new waves
of acceptance
braking over the edge
of a weakening dam.

I am excited
for those that follow
who are like me
and
who are different
may they not
sit in their rooms at thirteen
wondering if they
somehow are wrong
and if they do
may they figure out before 20
that all about them
is okay

I never knew
How much
Words from the mouth
Of my eleven year old niece
Would mean

Just at the age
Where people start
Judging
Girls for beauty

And she looks up to me
Her unconventional aunt
I hope she learns
To love her body
Long before I did
I hope she learns
Kind words never go amiss
I hope she never
Has a love that hurts like hell
I hope every love
Treats her well
I hope I am a good example
For one who is already so good