So, I've been climbing for a good while now.
Actively climbing for 6 months and progressing quite fast.
Which is great. Before that I had hit a so-called rock bottom.
Now, I'm at a place which has a plateau, there's a bit more room here.
Got a couch and tv, which is ******* amazing.
A ladder leads up to the outside world, big and scary.
But you know..

I'm still struggling a bit with myself. Still need to do more mentally digging
but hey, at least I took that **** foot out of my grave.
Kinda wondering why I put it there in the first place but whatever. Details.

So yesterday I went outside, back to my old room to grab a flashlight.
Because I want to look down in the hole. It's so cramped in there I actually never got to see the bottom. So what the **** is there?

My stepdad got one of those police flashlights, the black iron ones.
I borrowed it, went back to my comfort zone and looked down the hole.
I couldn't see the bottom but what I could see was:
- Lack of acknowledgment
- Lack of assertiveness
- Disconnected from emotions

Which I knew, I've been there and I'm still working on those things.
But still feeling an obstacle, I've missed what those three things boil down to.
That answer should be at the bottom right?
So the next day I grabbed some binoculars and looked at the bottom.
rejection it said.

Wait what?

Oh **** no! Just.. no. Nooooo.. nope nope nope nope. I sat down on the couch. The monologue I had in myself was wild.

"So.. You're telling me that everything I do, my entire vision of harmony and connection with others and the behaviour that comes with it is a coping strategy to deal with the amount of rejection I have faced in my current life so far? Really?!
Wait hold up, how many times did I actually get rejected? Let's write this down.
...... okay, so the entire page is full.
How many people did I actually reject? Crap I can count that on one hand.
So I got rejected so many times that I reject nobody anymore because I know how much it hurts? Well yeah.. Well, how does that make you feel? What do you mean how does that make me feel? ******* ******, frustrated, angry, it's all a bunch of ******* *******. Memories of times when I got rejected come ******* flooding in like right at this exact rant.
Take a deep breath. *******. It's just too crazy. I reject myself the right to reject others. And now I gotta learn how to hurt people. Fu-cking. Pointless.
And that's exactly why you got to learn it. **** my life. Yep, you're ******.

And for you who read this. For the sake of myself.

Go **** a ****.

I wanted to respond to his statement but I remembered I still had to call him.
-S.Y.

I still owe you a million kisses. Price of love.

Meditate in the depths of my anger
untill I am one with my rage
Furiocity ferociously revolving
around me
coiling around my psyche
as it enters my heart
blood pumping hate
to my muscles
tense as they stiffen
and when they quickly relax
you'll notice I have perfect control
and that I sharpened my weapons
for a relentless attack.

When I don't give a **** then I ain't fair.

If God is everywhere, he is in every pedophiles basement.

The wind blows fiercely throughout these streets
shaking foundations, sound of rattling metal sheets
One man causes this clash of energies
Rain Hails for help but Wind Mist the call
Nature's Wrath yields, does not wish to brawl.
It settles down..but it's quiet before the storm
everybody stays in, eyes weary and afraid
as they hold on to their kin
I got my weapons aimed
and pray God sets the date
for me to set this straight..
Death Crazed, can't wait to watch you levitate
I'll pick up your severed brain
have a taste and spit it back out onto what's left of your ******* face!
I'm relentless, I'll **** on your grave untill you float back to the surface..
Summon you and your family using Ouija boards spelling out that you're worthless..
****.

Ink flows through my veins
sharpen blades on my wrist
bleeding on paper
swallowing my pain
through the clenching of my fist
slicing through tendons
feeling dismembered
like I'm expelled from a group
coming up is December
a time spent together
yet I'll probably sit with my Solitude
me and him in my room
with paper and knife
cutting myself to see
what my blood will write
Innards embody a scribe
parts of me die
either given away
or taken from me
my blood is here for you to read
honost and open
no flow of deceit
and not a trace of defeat.

Steal my poems, all of them
For I care not where it goes
Spread them, claim that my words are yours
and I shall gladly witness
my thoughts being spread across the globe
Pour out my ashes
for every poem is part of my soul
Every poem
a desperate attempt to cleanse my thoughts
So spread my work
I will touch hearts where ever my feelings go
I know I am armed to the teeth
So be my arms dealer
and soon I will have the world within arms reach
Every person armed to the teeth
with stolen words they can barter,
ask questions, provide insight
that others can't see
Steal my work, please
Every poem will spark heat
Ignite and hearts beat
My children will fall free
For I am a lost tree

After soaring the sky the Desert Eagle drops mercilessly on the floor

Head cracked open
Body splattered
Soul on the sideline, copin'.
Cranium smoking..
****..
I'm not insured
wish I had that part secured
Instead I chose to be Insecured..
For my Insecurity
Good thing the police is coming..
with hot coco and a blanket...

...What?

Broken dreams ride the street
Where night's light meets
The high life's beat
Life stripped of pursuit
A pursuitless life
In the driver's seat
A weak tasteless defeat
Eyes front but not looking forward
Inherent unhappiness
Chronical boredom
Radio stations playing away all the hatred and pain
Beautifull clothes to hide all the wounds
In the rain
Soothing soap and warm water to wash away the bruises and stains
Act as if we got nothing to do with this place
Why can't we choose what to say?
Why do we move at your pace?
Why do we do what you tell us to do you yet we move with this weight
What if we lose all this weight?
What if we lose all our hate?
What if we show all our pain?
What if we shed from our clothes
And show all these bruises and stains?
Then what will you do when all we do is yell change?

Beating strong.

"We are brothers, not by blood but by will.
We ask not that we be born on the same day, but we request that we die on the same day"- Anonymous

A path of thorny roses
carved itself unto my skin.
I see her struggle,
her thirst and
desire for sunlight.

A petal falls
and blood trickles down my leg.

She fears that she will wither
before she opens up to bloom.

I gently caress the petal of the rose and whisper
is my pain of no concern to you?
My blood will not quench your thirst for sunlight.

Yet despite that she's nestling deeper
thorns buried
and aching
out of some form of misplaced necessity and desperation.

A desire to live, a desire to grow, a desire to blossom.

By the roots, I rip her out.

I am no means for her survival.
Nor am I afraid of pain.

An immortal flame
Absent, yet enkindled
It resides in me and you
An awareness we gave
eachother when our eyes met
When our smiles opened
the windows in our eyes
and we could see the same candle burning
How could we forget?
We never have
It's just the drama of going through birth
The fleetingness of life
and the wisdom of us as a child
that was washed away to time
Because let's be honost
we both were a long way from home
But our candle still burns my dear
And our home is still ours
let's spend some time together
I've missed you and I wonder how your day went.

Hurray, another sleepless night.

This day is gonna be a peach for my temper.

I'm ****** cuz I can't sleep.
I can't sleep cuz I'm ******.

Nice ******* circle we have here bud.

Stuck in your own circles of confirmation
Facebook-algorithms inspired from
your circled ignorance
Peel off all your words
and all that's left
is a question in regards of your own acknowledgement
seeking affirmation of your own existence
a deep desire for your true self to be seen by others
yet you keep on hiding it
subliminally and subconciously showing it
in your own incongruent behavior
over and over and over and over

do you have any idea
how ******* annoying it is
to hear someone being stuck on repeat?

go look at yourself in the ******* mirror.
cuz I'm done repeating myself.
Seek your own answers.

No more writtens
poetry, philosophical thoughts
or abstract metaphors hiding faintly in the mist.
Eyes closed, embrace the unknown
Ignorance is bliss.
Stab used needles in my veins.
Lick my lips, vertically slit my wrist
drown myself in my blood
survive long enough to die of ***.
Read in between the lines
and you'll catch that it's a metaphor about suffering.
Don't mind me, my mind doesn't mind me
my mind does it blindly
thinking.. is like licking Poison Ivy
and unfortunately I am NOT talking about Pamela Lilian Isley
Practically high all the time
Hitting an all time high
because I'm on a constant low
Literally waiting, being afraid
for that T.K.O .

Technically losing what I love most.
Y'all can take my honour
Y'all can take my pride
You can take my life
Y'all can break my mind
You all can bury me
or let me burn at the stake
I'll give you all of that
if it means avoiding this possible fate
Because if she takes my daughter away
I'll need 24 hour surveillance
Or I won't make it that day.
Cut to the chase.

The man that couldn't die, I took a look inside the 'Book of Life' but couldn't find my ******* name!
- Possessed.

A worn out face and soul I hide behind other parts I play.
He's asleep, slowly waking up, he can only be energized by his daughter's presence today.
Yet she maybe is unaware of his father's existence
it wouldn't be strange, we're nearing a full year
I pray day to day she's not unaware, truth be told it's my biggest fear
it's hard to hold on to hope
when all you've got is memories
and an old picture on your desk
All these questions and doubts I got
a beating rhythm in my head
every tear I shed embodies my love for you
every tear I shed is because I'm missing you
I pray you don't ever forget that I'm your dad.

I remember being scared to death the first night home.
As I focused on your breathing and I pictured you behind closed eyes
I slept shallow and checked multiple times to see if you were still alive
My biggest fear then was losing you... and two years later I did
and now I've missed a year experiencing you turning into a kid.

I bet you're cheeky, witty and stubborn. Curious, full of love, sensitive and have a deep intelligence. So now I'm fighting to get you back, giving it my all. To continue setting an example, to show you that you've gotta fight for those dear to you, to show you the power a person can have. And if by some stupid lies I lose this fight, I promise you Sara look for me when you're old enough and you'll realize dad always got your back. I won't give up on you.. EVER
You'll hear an other side of a story but I won't impose my opinion on you. I will give my side of the truth and let you decide from there.

Know that I would rather endure an entire life of this heavy burden and pain and take it to my grave then let you say you had a father who gave up halfway.

In three days you'll turn three. I'm sorry I can't be there Sara but I promise I'm doing everything in my power to see you as soon as possible. In advance I wish you a happy birthday, your birthday present is going to be a bit late though. Bear with me, it's on it's way.

I love you.

Writen with tears of sincerity, a strong soul and a loving heart,

Your father Stevie Ray de Vries Andries.

ps. You're always way to young to have any boyfriends, ever. ;) Dad will put them to the test. If they're unworthy Spartan-Kick them out of the house and if they are you'll sleep in seperate beds. And if he does treat you with the honor and respect you deserve.. I'll think about letting you sit next to eachother on the couch. Haha...

One day everything leaves that you own
all blackness can't hear the sound of your soul
Back to square one, loophole
as you go round in a whole
senses tense sense a consequence that slowly unfolds
detached from the string of existence
enveloped in riches, drifting in lost ones wishes
you miss out on missing
a mingled fulfillment
a fullfilling fullfilment you left it all to your children
content with contentment
dreaming about life
all it seems is allright
you're not afraid of this ending
taking your place in the fabric of space
slowly drifting and mending
objects move closer
you feel a light bending
a strong pull
as you feel the times ending
in a last sigh you let go
as you went from life
to enter a Black Hole

Light reaches your eyes, different place
different time, different face, different smile
retain a sense of self in this strange
state of mind
reembraced reïnstated well on your way
with retracing your self
Never a constant, always developing
human curiosity, aahh for-the-hell-of-it
blaze a bit be a mellow kid
you carve your road soon enough
meet old friends like Broken Trust
and you'll carry weight untill your shoulders crush
fight and re-see one end that's close to us

Death.

The bloodred Sun rises.
Misplaced souls and victims stuck in the upper parts of the atmosphere
giving the rays their ominous colour.
Blood particles risen from dead bodies float high in the air
painting the sky in orange-red.
Clouds form where humidity is highest, travel west
to a grey society, with hazed heads
where it rains Dead.
Blood reigns on our hands. Emphasis on reign.
Silently participating, masters of passiveness.
Shackled minds, broken chest
every infant born deaf
For sheep speak and think the word of the flock.
So wisdom's lost, past mistakes made will
eventually lead up to another rainy day.
This vicious cycle will stay the same
the climate acts according to our rainy ways.
For the smell of rain and the taste of blood
is ironically the same.

"C'mon Stevie you got to show them what you're made off!"
"I did and your mother was very impressed."

"C'mon Stevie you got to show them what you're made off!"
"I auditioned but they said I was too big."

"C'mon Stevie you got to show them what you're made off!"
"You do realise that Kathryn Janeway reffered to me everytime she said 'Captain's Log' don't you?"

"C'mon Stevie you need to go out more and show the world what you can do."
I can't, I'm like Japanese ****. Entirely censored.

"Come inside"
chuckles

"Can I come over?"
"You"
"What?"
"What?"

"*******!"
"You're On!"

"*******"
"."

"C'mon Stevie show em what you're made off!"
"Have you read this?"

Sold my soul to the Devil in exchange for suffering.

Shattered soul
rests drifting through floating remnants
of an ancient spark
this spark is fragmented and scattered
it's flame died out eons ago
drifting trough the undescribable something
words to describe this feeling of dread
do exist yet
the greatest poet's mind simply rejects it
in selfdefence
it is this place where we reside
it is this place we strive to know
it is this place we strive to describe
but we can't
and we never will
to uncover this place
would mean it would be exposed
there for everyone to see
eyes that can glare at this place
stripped naked, bare
innocent, pure
what once lied in the shadows
covered by a dark veil
kept safe by the shared consciousness
of the Poet that binds us all
would lie naked
like a remnant in a glass house

The Red Lights shine bright throughout the Halls of Asgard.

I struggle with
broken
yet wholesome thoughts
as I feel the pain
of that very contradiction

lines of progress intertwine
like our bodies
but I crave
double helix through life
a dance, fundamental,
seperate, yet connected
parallel, yet revolving
around eachother

is what I crave fair?
is what I need just?
Or do I need to double-helix
my feelings and thoughts?

I have changed
and you are changing
each to move more to be ourselves
and once that process is complete
Will we still match?
Or will we dance to
a different beat?

A sharp tongue with shark teeth
and a malicious smile with venomous saliva.
The reptiles eyes are like an alien planet.
It's soul lost within the depths of it's pupil.
It's like seeing tectonic plates shift
as they leave a black scar across a sandy red desert.
A reptile's eyes.

Dragon scales cover my skin.
For this world is filled with shattered hearts,
it is like stepping in broken glass,
I should protect myself from all your scars!

I've grown coldblooded from these cold emotions.
Icy stares and frozen thoughts.
Because your souls are trapped in arctic ice,
drifting in the same tides
every day of your cryogenic lives!

Witness the fiery eye that is the Sun.
It shines dimly behind radio active clouds.
Particles of chemical ash act like a mirror
spitting back solar rays in the face of God!
The arrogance that is man!
Earth radiates golden shadows
and the reptile is denied of heat.
I am forced to store my dragon's breath
inside the belly of my beast.

Me, on my Picard ****.

Today I embodied life.
I was at the beach enjoying the sunset when all of a sudden I saw a beautiful arrangement of shells lying in the sand.
I was struck awe at the beauty of the pattern that just lied there. A feeling that there was something more behind it watched over my shoulder.







I smashed the pattern of shells with my fist, ruthlessly.
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE A GOOD THING GOING AND SOMEONE AND SOMETHING COMES ALONG AND ***** IT UP?! HAVE A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE YOU SELFISH BAG OF ******* ****. FEEL THE SINCERITY OF MY FIST MERCILESSLY CRUSHING YOUR 'OH SO BEAUTIFUL PATTERN'!!
I drew a mic in the sand and walked away.

Shortly after that I..

mummification
all tears dried up within'
feel it slippin'
slowly sinkin'
hearing mermaids singin'

I'm in a hurry
swimmin'
to grab hold of this
very special woman
but I got to go deep
spread my angels wings
to accelerate speed
there's only one thing on my mind
only one thing I see
that's you..

I grab your hand
go to the surface
don't perish
swim towards the coast
that once had you rejected
Solid ground has to accept it
Still have you in my arms
I will never let go
and I will always fight
I breathe in air
and give you a kiss of life

Sitting on a cloud of poisonous blackened ash
enjoying my fake heaven provided by the best
Amsterdam has to offer.
Keeping up this relentless assault on my lungs
as if I'm trying to turn them into the tar pit
I currently reside in.
A ***** desperate attempt to claw my way
through what I'm coping with.
To put a metaphor into actual reality
by comparing reality and my actions
to an actual metaphor of my reality.
Painting my innards pitch black
because I perceive my outer world
like I'm looking through a veil of darkness.
False flag operations on myself
justified by the Demons residing
in the world that I'm carrying.
In this world that I'm traveling.
Carrying my world like Atlas
but I've lost my way..
wish I could live up to the name..
Google Maps myself back to sane.
It's hypocrit
Because I thrive of this poison
and once my mind is clouded in ash..
the pressure is temporarily relieved
like when a vulcano erupts..
But deep down it's always boiling
always smoldering
blistering cold merely touching my emotions
would leave burnmarks on my hazed out psyche..
So I don't dare touch them, it hurts..
So I don't dare to sleep, I'm scared because pondering hurts..
So I don't dare dream.. because sleeping hurts..
So I remain, blazed out of this world
Disconnected and severed from myself..
Rather face this green Hell than reality itself.

It's different now.
Depression is an illusion.

It's a place of transmutation.
It's a place of evolution.

It's a place of power.
A place where violent forces
serve the purpose of self transcendence.

So is this going to be

My Final Form?

Hip hop little frog
bathing on a lily leaf
splash fogs clarity

It is a curse this eye, my knowledge inside
resides in my mind inside a web of reality, perceived
I bleed to die a sigh what do I see?  are you relieved? a lie?
Pleased to meet  I courteously smile and greet
your handshake's weak so I straighten my back to hide the fact
the lion's fed, show no sign of attack
I step back and chat like an anxious cat
smile to show you where the fangs are kept
You relax, a trap? I check your stance is bad
So it's time to strike with might to prove you
that I might just see right through you.

Break the shackles of infinity,
and we will witness the universe
transforming into a horizon
our 3D selves will be reduced
to cartoons ridiculed
and every outline of every person
will become clear for everyone to witness
nobody is more, nobody is less
and everybody will be
exactly who he is
We will see in lines
and new patterns will emerge
and a world unknown will unfold
ready to be explored

Shadows cast aside as I embark on a path to light
Close to truth as I ventured into the farthest lie
Beyond the eye, a view unfolds of a starless sky
Keep on walking I, part with my heart
my exhausted mind sends it to the darkness high.
A backpack filled with all these masks of mine
They mark a time from where I survived "This War of Mine"
Here I am just falling fine, cushioned by a thousand signs
A confounded mind bound to a boundless sky
Astounded that I am grounded, Crown the lie-
a King. A verse living that ventured into the Rhythm I should sing.
Flow.

Let's not forget that we are flesh and bones.
Stillness eternal, smiling, in a storm of chaos.
Unbothered like the icy stare of eternal death.
Reflected in the blooming iris of life.
The pupil dilates and contracts
and the moments in between breaths.
We remember who we are.

It drives me nuts,
I just want to take my brain out
of its cage
and examine every corner,
every nook and cranny
and find what I'm looking for.
Every thing's in there,
it's just a matter of finding it.
I used to remember
the way your hand felt against mine,
as we ran against the world.
Now, I've buried under tons and tons of
heartbreak and equations and dates and everything
wrong and right in my mind.
Now, I just need to grab my shovel and dig.
Now, I need to find it.
Now, I will collapse and cry once I find it again.
Maybe there's a reason why I had buried it all along.

*What I have lost.. What I will lose
to think about it brings forth
an indescribable pain and longing
for an alternate future
The way I spend this day
The way I could spend this exact day
if not for certain events that
act like a barricade in your way
Now.. I spend my days alone in my mind
while I should've woken up today
with you by my side
Lost the chance to look you in your eyes
tell you I love you
and show you love still exists
in this life
lost the chance to make you feel alive
Lost the chance to forget
because you're ever so present
within my mind
What I want is to be lost
within your eyes
what I want to lose is a life
filled with all these lies
I want to lose this shadow behind
and walk forward with you by my side
What I've lost is time
made precious with and without your presence
What I've lost and longed for
was buried and dead
uncovered, lost and forgotten memories
stuck within the depths of your head
..and I can't let go
..and I can't let go

I have already seen that beautifull smile.
That is only meant for me and me alone.
I have already seen that look in your eyes.
That is only meant for me and me alone.
I bet there are a million of other looks and faces.
That are for me and me alone.
Thank you for this wonderfull gift.
This gift that is for me and me alone.
I'll make sure to cherish it.
That is my gift, for you and you alone.

Found my roots, became a tree..
now I have all these birds who sit and **** on me

~****

I was an empty slate once
And young
Now I am filled with
With what exactly?
With what that makes up
My identity
With fragments that make up
The way I love
With what that attracts
And all those things that I discard
And all those things that I want
But don't have
That I'm worth
But beyond reach
And I sit
Upon dying grass
Selfishly for my own needs
They suffer a little bit more
I sigh
Because the slate that I am
Filled with unknowns and fragmentations
All long for balance and question and doubt
Every step I take
Wondering if it leads me closer or further
From the harmony
I unrealistically, desperately seek
Which I know will inevitably lead to the dead end and void that I still feel everyday