A nostalgic feeling, its always with me. Keeps coming back in tears after every bad dream. They are a part now, never letting me be alone..
     I get strange feelings of loss. Loss of something, someone, every moment its in my heart.  
Night before i had a dream of him again.  His face was same as I saw him last time, how I wish It wasn't a dream.
      But I too wish that it wasn't reality, cause if it was it would really hurt, more than I can ever imagine....
      Never clear...  these dreams never let me surface, I go too deep into the abyss and  i am lost there unable  to reach anyone, unable to reach him.
      I see him angry all the time like he won't talk to me, this takes away all of the life that's inside me.
Leaves only tears of emptiness.  
       Don't know who cut me, but I was hurt really bad.
Maybe those wounds on my body defined the ones on my heart, the intangible ones.
        I saw him there, along with my other friend ..
 We were in some place unusual. He didn't bother even to look at me.  Then suddenly I was wounded really bad.
        Every one there was indulged in some game or play. 
 I didn't feel like it so I thought of jus walking around, then heard that he was also not there, and was gone somewhere, so  I decided to look for him and jus started walking.
I walked away from our gang  but couldn't spot him anywhere
I was scared, ..
hurt on my back which bled..
I just kept walking past the lake and around the grasses...
Then I saw him, there he was standing on a bridge looking in the opposite direction.
              I called him" chand"  and he smiled at me for the first time.  It felt so nice to see him. We were silent for a while before he said" you really did come".  
I was all stuck there..  Don't know what I felt.  It was so real, His voice as if it was him,  Standing in front of me.
But that's not possible my mind revolted.
And I woke up, to find my self alone with only my pillow that could soak my tears.  Controlling my harsh cries and trying not to wake mum and shifa up, I lay there..  Trying to sleep again. ..
Maybe this time I could talk to him more.
Or maybe thinking that atleast there in my dreams everything would be ok.  
No, I just couldn't it was as if a lump was stuck in my throat, I couldn't breath, I couldn't even think why I was crying so hard.  Actually​ I wasn't able to understand myself for so long now.
           This is not the first time I can't sleep, or  i I am crying, or laughing just for show, or pretending to let go, or thinking everything will be ok but he never goes away.
Even though I have pushed him away so long  long before....
Its been a year almost. Such dreams are so common, they are a part now..
            
Thinking about him I fell asleep after a while.
Hoping I would see him again..  And I did, astonishingly.  
We were jus walking on the side of the river. He saw the bruise on my shoulder and placed his hand softly on it.
 I turned to him with tears in my eyes, and saw his eyes filling too...
I didn't see him anymore than that but I believe some dreams are worth living for..

Chand ko chandni ka tohfa ** tum,

Savere  ko suraj ka saath ** tum,

Mere dil k samandar me motiyo se chupe ek khubsurat raz,
Meri zindagi ka sabse khubsurat ehsaas
                                ** tum,
Aur  kya kahu?

Bas  meri  har  subha pr  aus  ki bundo se likhe  naam,
Meri  har  raat  ke har  aakhari jam
** tum,

Meri  aankho me bas  chuka ek khubsurat khwab,
Mere khuda se puche har  ek sawal ka jawab
** tum,

Meri  adhuri aas,
Meri  pyas
** tum,

Meri zindagi,
Meri khushi
bas ** tum...

we talk
I gawk
into the abyss we walk
do you see how those empty eyes spark...

I do
we do
love each other ado
your secrets I accrue...
  
blood spill
hearts drill
tring tring we fill ear to ear through vaudeville
commotions instill ...

strangers once
enchanted into the same ambience
parting through resilience
into Oblivion...

you should not
I shall not either
drift back to that oneness once sought
whence hearts of ours aflutter...