a sunny day comes around
once in a blue moon
and we flock outside, to the beach, to the park.
these days like to bleed until their golden blood runs dry.
the skies turn grey again and a chill fills the echoing air.
it's gone for a while.

there are days when you yell.
times when i see your eyes glance
away,
and it hurts.
an unpleasant paranoia consumes our time spent together
until you kiss me
and i melt.

i hid from you,
i hid my words.
i told you what you need to hear.
never what i want to tell you.
the rain fell over my face
thank god
and no one had to see my own
raindrops.
you told me
“go home”
i did all you asked.
i hid from you,
i hid all you didn’t want.
i just clung to your hand.
and begged you to love me.

waking up in stark cold,
the morning light already bright enough to stir me.
three hours.
three hours to sleep,
it is more of a nap really.
our pillows and flimsy blankets
have shifted down the ground, and we lie exposed to the freezing air.

i remember what i did.
how could i ever forget?
an act out of sadness and lonely heartbreak is a
mistake in every way.
we fell asleep apart,
i think.
for the life of me i do not know,
but memories live in the cracks of my mind.
i move across to stay warm,
huddling under the wings of our tired friends.
you sleep for another hour, lucky thing.

no one mentions the events of the night.
no one looks at us with judgement in their eyes.
we eat, we laugh, we make the best of what we have.
i go home before my sister even wakes up.
i sit in my room.

i try to forget it ever happened.

I find it futile to pretend you care.
You come to me with hungry eyes and lustful hands,
asking from me what I will always give.
I live as a reminder to the world
of mediocrity
I live as your precious mistake,
nurtured and raised into your plaything.
I go down in our history as a pretty pair of
eyes
attached to a brain that sees more than it speaks.
Though my imprint on you may be insignificant,
I carry a baggage passed down from you
that I may never release.
When I leave this place,
when I leave you at last,
know that I leave my love behind
for you to carry on your back as I carry your baggage.

Forever yours,
I exit.

why is the world so dark while the sky is still
so blue?
orange streetlights burn weak beams through the rain,
my road long, simple, straight ahead.
the end is blocked by parades of cars with headlamps
filling my eyes with stars.
there's a silence in the trees,
no leaves linger on the pavements, gently rustling in a breeze.
there's pure silence.
the cold seems to force the strong echo of
nothing.
i hug myself down this endless road,
longing for a warm bed.
i wonder when summer ended,
when the mornings turned from sun drenched
to frostbitten.
when warm sunbeams turned into worn-out light bulbs,
and we began to dread the blue skies.
why is the world so dark while the sky is still
so blue?
so nobody sees her crying.

my lonely night.
my silent night,
more noise than one hundred jet engines
swirling round my brain.
it is laughs i cannot cause,
it is songs i must sing alone,
it is a voice i love so much whispering to someone else.
each friday night i lie alone
in a bed of memories i crafted with care.
each tear i have shed drowning me over, and over, and over.
sounds of joy resonate in an empty eardrum.
sounds of joy impatiently waited for
and preferred without
me.
that's the time craved,
the time loved,
the time stroked and smoothed until a bitter shred of routine remains and my impact is
nothing.

there is no point in pretending like my nights were the best.
i know you longed for me to leave.
and you let me come on the most poisonous night
i have ever had.
if it wasn't on purpose, it was a lucky coincidence.
i haven't asked since.
it's gotten too late for me to belong with you.
i need to sleep now.

three hundred and sixty four days
later,
i still feel every effect of your choice.

after two days,
i stopped existing to you
the way you still existed to me.
in my head, that wasn't how it was meant to go,

but one week made me come to you
with a broken voice
to ask you
"what's happened?"
"things just changed, you just changed, you're acting like a *****."
"I'd rather be with anyone but you right now."
"I'd **** her."

three weeks, or four,
enough to make me see the malice within you.
my hatred was built
from humiliation and anger,
raised from a truth i never asked to hear.
"i had to think of someone else to.."

i should not have let you finish.
i should have hit you then and there.
but you finished, and i hit you.
i screamed and screamed and screamed and swore i would never let you touch me again.

i let blood fall from my wrists,
before i started to build myself back up.
one month made me stronger, as i laughed and danced my way
through hell.

two months
and it was over,
at last.
aided by friendly lips and familiar kisses,
i became who i am today
still torn apart by your choices,
but a little bit tougher despite.

3 months sent you back to me,
strength to keep promises
never being my forte.

5 months made me repeat all my pain with  
somebody else.
at least he had the ***** to fess up to how he felt.

7 months and a word was introduced to my character
by you.
a title i refuse to hold
and refuse to speak because
it is not true.

so now we sit here.
after eleven months and 30 days,
after fifty two weeks,
with me scared that this weekend will make you leave me
and next week will be the same hell it was last year.

there's so much you need to hear from me,
so much i have to do,
but i don't have the courage,
the strength,
the will,
or the ability to force it from my head.

because of you
and these fifty two weeks.