three hundred and sixty four days
later,
i still feel every effect of your choice.

after two days,
i stopped existing to you
the way you still existed to me.
in my head, that wasn't how it was meant to go,

but one week made me come to you
with a broken voice
to ask you
"what's happened?"
"things just changed, you just changed, you're acting like a *****."
"I'd rather be with anyone but you right now."
"I'd **** her."

three weeks, or four,
enough to make me see the malice within you.
my hatred was built
from humiliation and anger,
raised from a truth i never asked to hear.
"i had to think of someone else to.."

i should not have let you finish.
i should have hit you then and there.
but you finished, and i hit you.
i screamed and screamed and screamed and swore i would never let you touch me again.

i let blood fall from my wrists,
before i started to build myself back up.
one month made me stronger, as i laughed and danced my way
through hell.

two months
and it was over,
at last.
aided by friendly lips and familiar kisses,
i became who i am today
still torn apart by your choices,
but a little bit tougher despite.

3 months sent you back to me,
strength to keep promises
never being my forte.

5 months made me repeat all my pain with  
somebody else.
at least he had the ***** to fess up to how he felt.

7 months and a word was introduced to my character
by you.
a title i refuse to hold
and refuse to speak because
it is not true.

so now we sit here.
after eleven months and 30 days,
after fifty two weeks,
with me scared that this weekend will make you leave me
and next week will be the same hell it was last year.

there's so much you need to hear from me,
so much i have to do,
but i don't have the courage,
the strength,
the will,
or the ability to force it from my head.

because of you
and these fifty two weeks.

Justify to me
Why it’s ok to treat me
like a blow-up *** doll
and yet you treat her,
Your Friend, Who I Don’t Have To Worry About,
like a ******* queen.

Sometimes
I like to remind myself that
Before you were hers,
Before I belonged to any other friend,
We were each other’s,

A simple you and I.

mind, body, and soul.
mind,
body,
soul.
i tweak and i tinker,
i change my purebred instincts.
maybe this change,
maybe if i act like her,
or look like your fantasy,
or maybe when i can smile at myself in the mirror.
perhaps tomorrow you laugh at my joke.
perhaps you might stop being ashamed
to know me.
i hope.
it never works.
there will always be someone more than me.
someone who can say they are ok,
and mean it.
someone who is smooth, who smiles, who looks like all you
dream of.
someone who glows gold from deep within.

someone you can be proud to call yours.

you are a monster.
you ruined me forever.
you took the most
important
moment of my young life
and you trampled it into a ****** pulp.
tomorrow,
i will melt into your arms
like a snowball on a fire.
i will keep falling deeper and deeper...

i will love you like i should in the morning
but tonight i hate you.

in a hundred thousand lifetimes,
no one could feel how i felt for you.
even i never thought i could adore one so imperfect-
yet so full of heavenly glow.

it was a time long ago,
when sunlight ruled over my world.
the land was a bright shade of luminous gold,
and your heart spread my joy across our town.

you kissed me the way you kissed everyone,
passionless, desperate, ravenous.
a girl who adored you had her heart broken
for your revenge upon a friend.

we never spoke of that day.
you never looked me straight in the eye.
you forced me to watch you flirt with every single girl,
each one stinging a shred more than the last.

and then we hit a crescendo,
it stacked up before my eyes.
as my stomach hurt more every passing second,
you hurt me. you ruined me.

humiliation.
degradation.
suicide and lost hope.
my love poured out slowly from my broken skin.

i always get you back.
for more time now than we were on pause last year.
every day i feel you slip gently from my fingertips.
no one knows quite how much damage you caused.

pain is temporary,
i can say that with certainty.
hate lasts too little time to bother me.
loving you is permanent, no matter the pain.