She is your girlfriend,
I know I could never be
Quite that much to you.

View my sadness,
Now.
I promise it’s free.
See my badly-crafted branches twist into the dim sky, floating in the limbo.
See my dark mornings, my eyes fused shut in protest. Never allowed to spend a second on pause.
See my love walk away from me to someone who can always give more, everyone could be more than me.
See my inadequacy, my average ability, my torturous boring brain and impatient anger and selfish need for victory and jealously and judgement and misery and

I drift. No one’s favourite. Ever.

View my sadness,
Now.
I promise it’s free.

Hating you both would be easier than acting like I just don’t care.
I don’t think breaking down would change your mind, even if I cried until tears drowned us, and you would still look at me in disgust.
It’s all I want to do though.

Hearing her name reminds me how little I am compared to her, how much more she glows.
I don’t have humour like she always has.
I’m not as tall or as appealing.
I am just an embodiment of discontent, never happy with less than a victory.
I will be in your way, until I can’t see the beauty in your eyes.

I should hate you for more reasons, for being my ruin and yet never having to look god in the eye for what you did.
I cannot. I never could.

I don’t even want to kiss you.
I just want your body holding mine.
I just want your body holding mine.
I don’t even want to kiss you.
I just want your body holding mine.

If I was allowed to scream, I would.

But I made no promises.

Today you spoke to me four times.
Whispering in a silent hall.
Telling me someone put a hole in our wall.
Clicking my thumbs, which made me feel free just from the grip of your hands.
And smiling at me, just smiling, as you walked away from me.

I think it’s a new record.
At least you finally touched me.

Silly boys, for not seeing what I’m worth.
Leave me if you want, it doesn’t matter, I’ll get you back in the end.
Yes, yes, I know I can’t be your girlfriend. I know I’m not a scratch on your girlfriend.
I don’t mind that.
Silly boys, thinking they’re all I want.

Silly boys, making me cry all weekend.
But so what? Penny told me she’s a ****, so you’ll probably come back.
I’m a ****, though. You know it too.
Did you not see my eyes begging you to stay inside?
Did you not think of me?
Silly boys, forgetting I still feel.

Silly boys.
Beautiful boys,
My shining stars that give me purpose.
I can’t promise myself to you. You know I can’t promise anything.
I tell you, all the time, that I love you, that you’re brilliant, amazing, perfect, pretty.
Am I not enough, though?
Silly boys, you are enough for me.

I haven’t had any trouble getting to paradise as of late.
I am always tired, I am always ready for bed.
For the last week, he has come to me each night, taunting me with his words differently every day.

One day he comes to me, on a dark night behind our old school.
There’s a fence I’ve never seen, and a building that’s too far from the path.
I feel him so close- like I never do in life. He is close enough to **** me with one word, and yet he presses his lips to mine instead.
****. If only he could treat me so well.

The next night, though, I have fears he doesn’t even want to know me.
There was... a party.
His birthday, I think.
He told me it would be best if I stayed home, escape the awkwardness, you know?
But I went. I went at 2pm.
There was smoke, there were people- people who don’t know me.
I think he was angry.

I woke up.

Get out of my dreams,
Get out of my head.
You will never love me in real life,
Please stop loving me from my bed.